Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: For better or for worse, gender roles and traditional manners of dress have a norm in this country. While challenging these roles is certainly admirable, men who are cruising are more interested in having their legs spread than their minds opened.

Of course that doesn't mean you need to stop trying to get laid online. Post the occasional message and you'll get the occasional reply. It only takes one response to turn into a fun encounter, y'know. Try also posting messages on the International Transgender Personal Ads, and don't mind that the dates on some of their messages are screwy (their older ads are more recent than their recent ads. Weird!).  There are lots of ways to meet people and get laid. You just need to find a new approach that works for you. Poke around the web and you'll find lots of other message boards and chatrooms for crossdressers, transvestites, and their admirers.

Aaron 'sez: Hmm! Interesting you have a sensitive dick like that. Phimosis traditionally causes a guy to have less sensitivity in their dick. But hey, don't complain if it works!

To be honest, you're in a bit of a bind. There are no ways to loosen up the foreskin or stretch it out a bit. Nor are there any basic ways to desensitize your cock. You may want to try a desensitizing cream. Some adult bookstores sell those as well as some websites. Thick condoms may do the trick for you as well. Just be sure you read the label on the cream first. Sometimes they contain oils that can't be used with condoms.

Perhaps your issue isn't as much the sensitivity of the foreskin as it is that you prematurely ejaculate. That's a common condition in men. Common treatment options include teaching yourself desensitization by getting yourself close to an orgasm and then stopping to cool down. Then get close again and slow down. Keep doing this until your body is able to last longer on it's own. Another approach is involves squeezing the head of your dick or pressing the area between your balls and your ass when you are near cumming. Desensitization and squeezing/pressing are sometimes done together for maximum effect.

If worse comes to worse, you may want to talk to your doctor about medical alternatives. Sometimes low dosages of antidepressants are proscribed to slow down a person's ability to orgasm. Of course medication like this is fairly drastic, and if you are going to consider this for years on end you may want to rethink your stance on circumcision.

Aaron 'sez: Tough situation, friend. You're looking to enjoy some of the benefits of living a gay lifestyle without having to take on the challenges. It's your decision to go about life this way, but it does make life a lot more difficult. How are you going to find a boyfriend, for example, if you are afraid to go into situations where anyone knowing you are gay? Not to mention how much more you would have to offer a boyfriend if you were more open about your sexuality. It certainly makes dating a lot easier.

At least you're on the Internet already. Perhaps you can find someone through chatrooms and message boards. Use gayyouthuk or this site's message-board to find people discreetly. Beyond that? I don't know what to say. You could try gay bars, community organizations, campus groups, churches, parties, coming out groups, and sex clubs, but those would require at least some people know you are gay. You could also come out to a few close friends and see if they know anyone gay to set you up on a date with.

Sorry if I seem a bit merciless, but I'm not sure how I can help you otherwise. Your fear of coming out may be the same thing that keeps you from meeting Mr. Right. Don't let it get the best of you. But as long as you're comfortable enough with your own sexuality to explore the community a bit, you have lots of options for meeting people. Pick up a copy of a magazine like Boyz or Gay Times and see what resources exist in your area.

Aaron 'sez: Bad news, pal. Cum isn't a protein shake consumed directly from the source. While cum does have protein, sugar, and assorted other substances in them, they are not present in large enough amounts to be significant. It does have about 15 calories "per serving" though in case you're wondering.

Aaron 'sez: When it comes to nipples, real men are born, not made. Just kidding. In reality those nipples you love so much can be either natural or made big through years of rough tit play. There's no unique formula to have them made that big - just work 'em. Have guys twist, pull, nibble, suck, bite, and generally tantalize and torture them on a regular basis. Not just now and then, but every time you have sex. Many of those men have extraordinarily sensitive nipples. As a result of years of play they become slightly swollen with scar tissue. If you want nipples like there's though, I hope yours are sensitive. Because otherwise you're going to find that it's awfully uncomfortable making them that big...

Aaron 'sez: Alas, they're fake. Those Falcon dildos that sell in stores are significantly enhanced. It's one of my personal irritations in life, actually. I like very moderately-sized dicks. Porn already makes these guys have major anxiety problems over their average-sized dicks. Once these guys start seeing these dicks from the movies look another four inches bigger they start heading for the nearest surgeon, therapist, or cash register. : )

Aaron 'sez: I have a question for you. Why do some guys like to be fingered? Because it feels good. One finger slides in there until eventually a guy opens himself up to take two or three. The average dick is as thick as three, perhaps four fingers. But sometimes a guy wants something a bit thicker. Like two dicks at once or a really thick dildo... or a fist. After all, what is a fist except for five fingers plus the wrist? The enjoyment is in the feeling of having something really thick slid into your ass until it enters and the tension relaxes as your butthole clamps down around the guy's wrist.

Of course some like it even more extreme, to the point where they want that fist slid way in there. Like halfway up the guy's arm or to their elbow. Like a lot of people that makes me cringe, but then again doesn't the idea of being anally penetrated make most straight guys cower? It's a matter of perspective. Besides, if you measure the distance from the tip of your fist to halfway up your forearm, you'll find it isn't that far. Falcon's Jeremy Penn dildo is probably just as big, and with the exception of the fist the dildo is probably even thicker.

Dangerwise, you're right. It can be dangerous if done incorrectly. Hence why fisters usually keep their nails trimmed and wear latex gloves. Avoiding scratching is not only healthier and less painful for the bottom, it is medically safer for the top.

Still reading this? If you'd like to learn more check out the Handballer's FAQ.

Aaron 'sez: Egads, where do I start? There are so many things that can go wrong for you here. Perhaps a stern warning is a good start: Don't even consider playing bareback with this guy. His line about getting crabs from a toilet seat is possible, but is rare. If not a toilet seat it may have been from trying on Speedos in a department store, or from an improperly sanitized towel at the gym. Either way, even with him swearing to God the odds are waaaaaaaay big that he screwed around behind your back. And if he cheated once, there's no guarantee he won't be doing it again after

Next off, even if you both get tested and are negative, there is no guarantee that he won't be cheating on you again. He may believe that using condoms with other guys will keep you safe, but you already know from the crab lice that condoms don't protect you from everything. Sure, he may not come home with HIV. But he might pick up herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, genital warts, or any of several other STDs.

Speaking of which, you need to drag his ass to his doctor to give him a battery of STD tests. One-third of all men with crab lice have at least one other STDs. Since this guy has been barebacking with others there's a good chance he has been exposed to them. Some have immediate symptoms he'd probably have shown by now, but others like anal warts may be invisible and may be putting you at risk even in your current sex life. Condoms don't always protect you, remember?

I'm not telling you to dump the guy. He may have told the truth (although I ain't buying it), and that needs to be your decision. What I am saying is that while he may be risking his health for a good time, you don't need to be an innocent victim for his pleasure. Have a doctor check him out and play safe. If after another year of using condoms you're convinced he has been monogamous, then you can reassess the situation and consider your options.

Aaron 'sez: Yup, you're paranoid. While the occasional burst of blackmail and harassment does occur, it's very rare when compared with the vast number of guys like you looking to get off to some hot talk. If you're truly concerned about your privacy then pick up any gay magazine and call the 800-lines in there. Those cost more but they will protect your anonymity

Aaron 'sez: For starters, you're going to have to sit down with your lover and have a long talk. Not the same one you guys have been having when you've talked about this issue before, but one which is actually going to outline a plan of action for you two to work through this challenge. It isn't just your problem, y'know. It's both of yours. And until you stop fretting over it and work together as a couple to confront the issue your relationship is going to continue going down the toilet. If you can't do this step you guys are sunk already. You both have got a lot of repair work in your relationship to do.

But first, let's work on the erection issue. You know the issue isn't physical since you can have an erection when you're by yourself. So why are you having the trouble together. Are you able to masturbate while he plays with your balls, licks your nipples, makes out with you, or anything else that gets you hot? Try it. Don't worry about him cumming at all and don't worry about any sort of oral sex or fucking. Just work on building your own confidence. You have to start somewhere, and this is an easy enough exercise. Once you get the hang of that you can slowly add in more sexual acts until your sex life is back to normal.

While that may work, it's also pretty simplistic. Your problem may be solvable by through other approaches. For example, if you're tired whenever you have sex perhaps you need to be doing it at a different time of day. Perhaps the condoms you are wearing are too tight, or you are trying to fuck him in a position that doesn't work for you. And are you on any medications? There are plenty that can cause erectile troubles.

If my first technique and none of the other approaches help, try this. Schedule an appointment with a urologist. Go show him the letter you wrote to me and have him give you a physical exam. A clean bill of health is always an important step towards solving hardon troubles. He may even offer you a prescription for Viagra. If he does, go ahead and try it. The stuff does work and it may help you.

Once you've seen a urologist and gone over possible solutions with him, call your local gay and lesbian info line, or failing that mental health center. Ask for a referral to a sex therapist knowledgeable in gay male sexual issues. They'll give you a few names to start with, and when you call up the therapist you can verify over the phone that they would be a good person for you to speak with. Once you find a suitable therapist, set up an appointment and start working with him/her.

If my ideas, a visit with a doc, and a sex therapist don't help, I'll personally eat my shorts. Just hang in there. Your problem isn't half as bad as you've made it out to be. You just need some new perspectives and a team effort with your lover towards a resolution.

Aaron 'sez: Yeah, don't give up. There are nearly 7.5 million people in NYC. Let's say 1 in 10 of them are gay, 1 in 2 of them are white (dunno how many are, but that seems a fair estimate), 1 in 2 are male, and 1 in 3 are of an age which you are interested in. That's 62,500 people so far. Even if you eliminate more guys that are close-minded about interracial relationships, guys that are supremely closeted, and even really ugly guys, that still leaves thousands and thousands of possible guys to go out with. And that ain't even counting the guys that live outside of NYC itself in the larger Metropolitan area.

So where are you going to find these guys? The Internet for one. It's filled with websites that do gay personal ads. Join the National Association of Black and White Men Together while you're at it. They're likely to have a ton of resources and advice for you. Join community organizations while you're at it. Just because you meet white men that like black men doesn't mean you have anything in common. NYC has gay marching bands, wrestling groups, reading groups, meditation classes, and all sorts of other community activities. You won't be able to but help meeting guys at places like that. Check the NYC Gay and Lesbian Services Center site for more info on groups like these.

Frankly honey, I don't have a lot of sympathy if you can't find a date. You live in one of the two largest gay communities in the United States. What you are looking for is out there if you keep looking and stay active. And as enjoyable as feeling sorry for oneself can be, keeping a positive outlook will make you a lot more attractive to a prospective boyfriend.

Aaron 'sez: It doesn't surprise me that you're having troubles staying hard. Impotence is no reason to end a relationship but it managed to end yours. That makes me wonder if you were unsympathetic or unsupportive about his condition. If you reacted without a great deal of patience, you're probably expecting your partners to do the same to you. That anxiety alone can make it tough to stay hard.

There's also the usual battery of questions. Are you diabetic? Are you on any medications? Can you stay hard when you masturbate, or does that sometimes fail too? Could it be that you're having troubles getting hard because you are with newer partners that don't know your body well? Did you not use condoms with your prior lover, but are now using them with all your new partners? Lots of questions that can lead to solutions in different directions.

Assuming medications and diabetes aren't the issue, I'd focus on changes in the way you are having sex. Get to know partners better, spend more time on foreplay, don't overly focus activities that require you be hard. Sexual acts can be made to meet the needs of a hard or soft dick; it doesn't have to be the other way around. That's why long-term relationships are easier than one-night stands when you have erectile difficulty. If Mr. Happy is tired one night, you simply hold off fucking your lover until the following day.

If worse comes to worse, go see your doctor. A low-dosage prescription for Viagra may do the trick. I don't think you'll need it to come to that point though.

Aaron 'sez: When it comes to porn stars the companies vary in what they use. Porn companies are more concerned with transparent condoms than they are with condoms that comfortable fit the actors. Remember that the actors have a number of advantages over "civilians" to begin with, not the least of which are Viagra, not cumming for several days before the shoot, the ability to edit out "downtime" when the actors aren't hard, and the fact that porn naturally attracts guys that get hard easily. As with all areas of sex, don't ever compare your sex life with porn movies. They aren't real!

Fortunately, I do have two lists of large condoms courtesy of the Large Penis Support Group.

Condoms that are extra-long (typically from 7-9")

Durex Ultra Comfort
Kimono Sensation Plus
Kimono Sensation
Maxx
Maxx Plus
Trojan NaturaLamb
Trojan-Enz Large
Trojan-Enz Large w/Spermicide
Trojan Magnum
Trojan Magnum w/Spermicide


Condoms that are extra large in diameter (from 1.97" - 2.68"):

Avanti Super Thin
Durex Enhanced Pleasure
Maxx
Maxx Plus
Durex Enhanced Pleasure
Durex Ultra Comfort
Trojan NaturaLamb
Trojan-Enz Large
Trojan-Enz Large w/Spermicide
Trojan Magnum
Trojan Magnum w/Spermicide
Trojan Supra w/Spermicide
Trojan Very Sensitive w/Spermicide

For those guys that are hung very thick and need something even wider, you may even want to use the Reality Female Condom. It's 3.15" in diameter, easily beating the traditional men's condoms. The downside is that they are not as long, typically only 6.7" or so. Either way, most of you should be able to find something out there that works for you.

Only the absolutely most rare and thick dicks will have trouble even with the largest condoms. In a case you may have to adjust your sex life to match the unique needs of your body. Whether someone is highly overweight, super tall, has a curved dick, or a really long schlong, at some point we all have to make the best of what our bodies have to work with in life.

Aaron 'sez: Study hard then go somewhere very gay for college. Since you're 18 years-old you are a senior in high school (I'm assuming you're here in the USA). It's December right now so you only have a few more months to go. Yeah, it sucks, but you're out of school in June and off to college in August. So here's your plan. As you consider the colleges and universities you have been/are applying to, go on the web and do a quick search for "gay <name of university>". You want to find a webpage or information about the campus's gay group. You may need to click on "web pages" rather than "web sites" to find what you are looking for. Then call them up on the phone and say you're considering coming there in the fall and ask them what the gay community is like both on and off campus.

Do this for several schools and you'll have something new to consider when selecting your school. Going to college is one of the world's greatest experiences. In your town you're Joe Schmoe the gay kid who gets teased. But at college no one knows who you are or the background you are coming from. You can completely make a new place for yourself in life and be open about your sexuality from day one. Open, I might add, in an active gay community if you do your research pick the right school. The boyfriend should fall into place at that point.

What to do until you head to school? Do a web search for "gay youth".  If you're in the UK you can go to gayyouthuk. You'll find a whole mass of resources to tide you over till you start packing.

Aaron 'sez : Yup! You should make the moves on him and get him in bed. You're primary concern is obviously not to preserve the friendship, elsewise you two would long ago have sat down and had a long talk about this. What you really would like would be for your feelings to explode in an intense burst of... well, something. I'm not sure whether you want something romantic or sexual.

So here's your plan. Spend an afternoon with him sometime when he isn't stressed with life and when he isn't dating or banging someone new. When the time is right bring him back to your place and start making your moves. If you want something romantic, sit him down and tell him how you feel. If you want something sexual, pop on a porn tape that will get him hot. I recommend The General's Daughter - it's a straight tape perfect for seducing "straight" boys. Once he gets hot then pull it out and start jacking off. He won't be able to resist you for long at that point.

Either way, be sure to have a long talk with him the next day, the week after that, and the month after that. As your own feelings become manageable again you're going to need to have several long conversations with him about how you two want your relationship to work. Whether friends, fuck buddies, or lovers, you're both going to need to make some adjustments.

Aaron 'sez: Keeping your boyish figure isn't a matter of choosing what foods to eat. Well, it is to some extent. You are 24 now and can't eat like you're only 14. But part of growing older means that you need a more comprehensive regimen in order to maintain that tight body. Diet, exercise, and weight training are all part of that. You've got the diet and the exercise part, but you need to start working out three or four times per week.

Fortunately, that's easy to do. Save up $300 or so and head to your local gym. Buy yourself a membership and a couple of sessions with a trainer. Have him teach you how to use the machines. Take notes so you'll be able to replicate what he teaches you. Have him design a basic routine for you and then stick with it. Meeting with him once every two weeks to go over your progress may give you the incentive to keep working out, too. If you've got the money, work with him during all of your workout sessions for a while. You'll be amazed at the progress.

Oh, and don't give up when you're sore for the first month. Even light workouts will strain your muscles in ways they are not used to. Once your body grows used to exercising in new ways you will feel a lot better after your sessions... to say nothing for looking better, too!

Aaron 'sez: Your issue sounds more like the fear of fucking a guy than the fear of what sex between two guys looks like. Sex between two men isn't that different from sex between a man and a woman. Sure, it involves different holes and different positions, and you need to bring your own lube, but the general principles are the same.

Since you're nervous about fucking him then be honest with him about your feelings. Have him demonstrate with all your clothes on (or off if you're feeling adventurous) the positions that he'd want you to use while you fucked him. Have him tell you about his experiences being fucked, and learn what positions he likes to do it in. Then think about your own fantasies and what you'd like to do. It's okay to be nervous the first time you fuck him. If he's a good teacher then he'll help you get into a position that you like. Then he should encourage you to pump him however deep or fast as you want to. Once you have banged him a few experiences he can worry about teaching you the more advanced positions and techniques.

It's a virgin straight guy learning to bang an experienced woman, eh? Think of it that way and you will do fine. At the very least call him and talk to him about your fears. If he cares about you at all he won't make an issue of it until you're ready to pursue the issue further. When you're ready to do that is your decision. Until then just keep enjoying those blowjobs while you check out his cute butt.

Aaron 'sez: Nope. Penis enlargement is all but a myth. There are some surgeries that will provide minor enlargements, but they are only basically effective and carry a number of medical risks. For better or for worse, you'd better get used to what you have.

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.