Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: You are quite correct - antidepressants can easily cause problems getting hard and difficulty in cumming. I remember one evening in my escort business when my client tried for hours to cum, only to admit to me days later that he was on antidepressants. He had no idea that trouble cumming was a routine side effect. If anyone on medications is experiencing frequently difficulty having an orgasm, he should talk to his doctor or pharmacist to see if that is a known side effect.

Aaron 'sez: Your suggestion is somewhat helpful, but don't you think that is a bit of overkill? The whole purpose of anti-crab shampoos is so that you don't have to shave your hair off. Not to mention those crabs have to go somewhere if their hairy home suddenly vanishes. Wouldn't you rather kill them for good than have them migrate all over your bed at night?

Aaron 'sez: I understand where you're coming from. I lived in Iowa for four years, and my boyfriend is from a rural town. They're not exactly the gayest places on Earth. Or even vaguely gay for that matter. Except Melboure, Iowa, a small town whose last mayor was openly gay. Of course he just accepted a job in Washington, DC and moved away, so perhaps it got to him too.

The ads you are talking about are houseboy ads. They're usually an older guy (30-60) who is looking for an attractive, young guy to come live with him. Sometimes it's just for the sex, sometimes it's for housework and chores. Often a combination of both. In return they offer you a place to stay and sometimes a bit of money or tuition.

It's not the best way to get out of a rural area and on with your life, but if you need an escape it is certainly one option. It'll open up lots of new areas of gay life to you. Make sure you...
Go to a majorly populated area with a decent size gay community.
Find out what the guy looks like first. You'd hate to wind up having to sleep with someone that is really ugly to avoid being kicked out.
Find out everything you can about the guy. He's likely to be your fuck buddy for the duration you're living with him, so you might as well make sure you're compatible.
Be aware that he'll have a "honeymoon period" with you. Meaning you are his hot, new project in his life. After a few weeks he'll discover you're not perfect - that you scrape your toast, leave the caps off the toothpaste, etc. Expect some natural friction to begin at that point.
Negotiate your own bedroom. You're there to be a houseboy, not a wife. : )
Be aware that if he pays for your education you're going to be with him for years. Suggest he invite you out for a NONSEXUAL few days together to make sure you're compatible. If you want to sleep with him, fine. But make sure he understands that you are not obligated to do so for your visit.

Honestly though? I did four years at Iowa State (ol' Iowa Straight) and I'm doing pretty damn well now. You can do the same. There is a decent sized community at UN-O that you could join if you were there. If you need a larger community, go to U-Minnesota in the Twin Cities, or any college in Chicago. I think you'd be a lot happier there than as a houseboy.

Aaron 'sez: Nobody ever said sexual orientation was a constant that couldn't change over time, but all agree that it's not something you can pick or choose at will. For better or for worse, if you're realizing that you are attracted to men (and from what you wrote you know that very well!), then it's something you're going to have to deal with.

You may not like it, but you should know that change is not realistically possible. The only proponents of gay-to-straight conversion therapies are the radical religious right who believe prayer and abstinence are the only keys. And even they acknowledge that they do not actually turn people straight. They simply programme people with overwhelming guilt so they do not act on their desires. Their success rate is quite low for that too, I might add, and their groups have been plagued with ongoing problems with their leaders later coming out as being gay and renouncing their conservative ways. Oh, I remember reading in the early 1990's that the Chinese government announced a gay-to-straight conversion therapy that involved electroshock therapy. I'm not surprised that one worked. If someone put four million volts through my head I'd tell them whatever they wanted to hear too.

Normally I suggest that someone in your situation get together with a guy and spend an afternoon in the arms of another man. It gives them some perspective on their desires, and allows them to begin considering what sort of life they may want to have. Contrary to popular belief, being gay is not just about sex. Sure, that's where your desires are right now, but keep in mind that it is entirely possible to have a warm, romantic relationship with another man. That's not what you are looking for right now, obviously. You very much want to stay faithful to your wife. Which is why I suggest a different approach.

I suggest you start talking to people who have either come out as a bi/gay married man or whom are knowledgeable about their issues. Joining a gay married men's support group is one way. Finding a therapist experienced with counselling gay married men is another. Look in your local phone book under gay and give your local gay info line a call. Ask them what support systems exist in your area for gay married men. They'll almost certainly have several ideas for you. Believe me, you're not the first person to have given them a call on this issue. I used to work at one of those lines and I handled a lot of phone calls from men who were coming out.

Since you have not had sex with a guy yet, you might even want to talk to your wife about the issue. Enlist her as an ally in your decision-making process over the next year. It may be difficult for her at first, but it will ultimately bring the two of you closer as you form your plans together over the next year. Having her as a part of your counselling process will make coming out a lot easier for you too. At some point you are likely to wind up in bed with another man, and telling her you may be gay will be a lot more difficult after that point.

I know it feels overwhelming at this point, but hang in there. As I said, many (MANY!) men have gone through what you are experiencing. Some of them have come out and become openly gay men. Others have remained married after finding a peaceful balance between the gay and straight worlds. Still others remain tortured souls, forever sneaking into the gay world for small glimpses at what they long to experience, but what they lack the courage to pursue. Ironically, it is the wives of the latter category who experience the most pain. They remain trapped in the relationship, forever wondering why their husbands seem so distant.

Good luck with your decisions, friend. Just remember that what is the best solution for you and your wife may not be what you want it to be, and may not be what anyone expects.

Aaron 'sez: Religious conservatives like to forget there is such a thing as sexual orientation and focus solely on behavior. After all - most conservatives are straight, so why should they care if other people suffer for the restrictions they choose to impose on them? It's human nature to enjoy feeling superior to others, and for conservatives this is an ideal way to declare others morally suspect. It's much easier in life to ignore one's own flaws when you spend your days pointing out ways in which others are inferior.

Finding a harmonic balance between one's religious values and same-sexual orientation is often a difficult task. Some people spend many painful years without success going through fundamentalist conversion therapies. Others turn their backs on their religions as they come out, only to find themselves later in life seeking a replacement for the spiritual void in their life. Yet many people find peace relatively quickly, by going beyond the words of their ministers and religious teachers and looking directly into what the Bible has to say about homosexuality. After all, your local minister or priest is hardly God himself, and is subject to all the frailties and biases that go along with being human. If your priest is trying to make himself feel better by putting gays and lesbians down, then one may need to find a more open-minded teacher until he addresses the failings within his own being.

To that end, know that there are many (MANY!) possible interpretations of the Bible. After all, the book was not written in 21st century English. The specific meaning of the original words in other languages have often been lost in time, requiring scholars and translators to guess as to what they mean. Case in point: in college one young fundamentalist (who went on to do gay bondage porn in San Francisco, I might add) pulled out a Bible and said he could prove that homosexuality was immoral. Yet to his horror when he found the passage he was looking for, his version of the Bible translated the ancient words as crossdresser, not homosexual. "Well, that Bible is wrong. Let me grab another one," he stammered as I laughed him off and went about my day. What stuck with me was how quickly he was willing to put aside the Bible in search of another, in spite of the fact that it was the same evidence he was using to judge me. The Bible is used to justify biases, friend, whether it be slavery, interracial dating, abortion, gay civil rights, the death penalty, or euthanasia. Sometimes you have to search for your own truth rather than blindly accept the words of those around you.

I suggest you get involved in a gay/lesbian group of your denomination. You can search through a list of links for your denomination through the "gay denominations" area on Yahoo. I also suggest you check out Rainbow Christians, a good site on the web for Gay Christians. Finally, look in the phone book for your local Gay Switchboard or local gay info line. (We have many UK ones listed in OutReach). Ask them what resources exist for gay Christians in your area. You'd be surprised how many resources exist out there. Most denominations have groups of gay Christians - Catholics have Dignity, Methodists have Affirmation, Episcopalians have Integrity, etc. All of these groups can give you far more advanced guidance than I.

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Aaron 'sez: He's a gorgeous guy with a hot body and a cold bedroom demeanour. Pardon my asking, but why are you bothering with him? Oh, because he's gorgeous. That's right. Well, since he doesn't kiss, get fucked, or suck, then all that's left is you sucking him and him fucking you. Totally impersonal, but it gets his rocks off. Hardly a winner of a guy though. I say dump him and find someone who actually cares about you, or at least who is more responsive in bed than a corpse. If you don't want to do that, then stop having sex with him for a while. If you two can actually build something resembling a friendship and respect for one another, he might be willing to lower his barriers in bed a bit more. If that's not your style either, I hope you like servicing him, because that's the way things are going to be in the future.

Aaron 'sez: Yes, everyone has hair follicles. Every single hair on your body, whether on your head, balls, armpit, or wherever, connect to your body through a hair follicle. Normally they're smooth and you can't see them, although they can get agitated and swell up into a little red bump. Electrolysis inflames them, for example, as can shaving. Areas like your butt, cock, and balls are especially prone to small rashes after you shave them. So yes, hair follicles are common and natural. If you don't want your hot dates to see you with a little rash, try shaving several days before the meeting rather than the day of. Also, try trimming the hair with an electric razor or beard trimmer rather than shaving it off with a blade. Trimming won't cut the hair off as close to the skin as a razor, of course, but it will prevent the rash from occurring in the first place.

And as a little anatomy lesson, those little bumps you're seeing along the ridge of your dick (by the ridge of the head, I assume you mean) are sebaceous glands. They are part of what produces smegma in uncut guys. In cut guys they become quite tiny as they dry out. In uncut guys they are a bit larger and more noticeable. They're perfectly normal though and are part of your natural anatomy.

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Aaron 'sez: You are in a city where everyone is a bottom? I wish I knew where you were writing from. A few columns ago I received a letter from a top who complained that everyone in his city was a top. I could have written to him to let him know where all his bottoms went.

Seriously, you're being silly. The idea that everyone in your city is a bottom is ridiculous. Sure, some people are. But there are plenty more guys that prefer playing top. If you think everyone in your city is a bottom than you've stopped looking way too early.

Back to your original question on topping and bottoming, it's not something you can just switch at will. Versatile guys who enjoy both can, of course, but not people who lean on one side or the other. Enjoying being a top is like enjoying being a bottom, rimming, eating strawberries, listening to Mozart, or enjoying Shakespeare. It is something that comes from within. As long as your dick stays hard you can practice the behaviour of being a top, but the true enjoyment of it comes from the heart.

That being said, most tops will tell you that they like the feeling of a dick sliding in and out of someone's ass. They like seeing the bottom with their legs in the air, or the feeling of power from thrusting into an awaiting ass. Some prefer topping because they love seeing pleasure on the faces of their bottoms. My favourite reason for topping is a bit amusing - I get a kick out of seducing virgins and tops into being bottoms. I love teaching guys about sex and expanding their limits.

If you're a bottom and enjoy being that way, then don't worry about it. There are plenty of tops out there waiting for a guy like you. But if you want to try turning the tables, pick up one of those many bottoms in your cities and ask that he be patient with you while you learn to top. It's a skill like any other, and with practice you'll find it gets easier and you get better.

Aaron 'sez: A "ho"? Love it! So much so that I've come up with a few suggestions for you.

1 - Have you read "The Male Escort's Handbook" by Aaron Lawrence (me!)? It's a how-to book on escorting that has lots of strategies and techniques for doing better in the business. It may give you some ideas to keep your business going.
2 - Advertise more! Create a website that shows off more about your personality. A well-developed website will go a long way towards increasing your business. Feature information both about your escorting services and about you as a real, breathing, thinking, and feeling person with the same hobbies, emotions, hopes, and dreams as everyone else.
3 - Save your money and make sure that you're claiming everything you can when you pay taxes. Have you got a pension plan and an ISA? See a sympathetic accountant. It's EXACTLY what you should be doing when your clients advise you to save for your retirement.
4 - Remember that no matter what you do, you can't escort forever. Start considering your options on what you'd like to do next. Go back to college? Find a new career? Get married to Mr. Right and settle down? Come up with a plan.
5 - Work out. A better body always keeps people in 'biz longer.

Those are just a few - there are lots more I'm sure you can come up with. Try joining the Escortmale Listserv through Yahoogroups.com. There are a lot of escorts on there who would be happy to give you more advice.

Aaron 'sez: Male or female, anal sex will loosen up the sphincter a bit. Cleaning up afterwards can be a bit tricky. Fortunately it's not difficult if you know what you're doing. For starters, always keep a hand towel nearby while you are getting fucked. It is helpful for cleaning off the excess lube and any mess that may occur during sex. It also comes in handy when you're done and need to clean up more thoroughly.

When you're done being fucked, it is a good idea to take a bathroom break. Being fucked anally can pump a lot of air into your rectum. Air that is going to come back out in the form of farts. It's embarrassing, but it's also totally natural. If you used a lot of lube during anal sex, that's also going to come back as well. What goes up must come down, you know. And it is far better to send it back out in the bathroom than in your car when you are driving home.

Keep in mind too that being fucked stimulates your colon, so you may find yourself needing to take a dump not long after you get fucked. If this happens all that lube and cum is definitely going to come back out, so make sure you give yourself the opportunity to handle this part in privacy.

That's pretty much all you need to know to avoid a mess. The only other lesson I can give you is that it is always a good idea for bottom escorts (and bottoms in general) to carry a spare pair of underwear when they're off to have sex. You never know when one of those farts may be a bit more, and that spare pair of underwear may really come in handy.

Aaron 'sez: You're a smart fellow to want to play safe for your first encounter. The AIDS epidemic is still raging, and one needs to play it very safe if they want to avoid HIV. Fortunately you can still balance safety with having a very hot and active sex life.

Since your first problem is finding a partner, I suggest a few approaches. First, start placing personal ads online. Just say that you are new to coming out and are looking for someone to date and get to know intimately. There are plenty of people who would be glad to get to know you and help you with that first experience. If you're only looking for sex at this point, you might want to try an escort instead. Escorts4you.com and male4malescorts.com are both filled with ads and reviews from male escorts who have experience with middle-age virgins to gay sex. You can also start going out in the gay community and meeting people more. Check out your local gay bars or gay social groups. Call your local gay info line for information on those.

In regards to safety, it is quite safe (although not 100%) to have someone cum in your mouth. Just make sure you don't have any cuts or sores in your mouth. If you do, you may want to avoid giving oral sex that day. And having someone cum inside you is fine, but make sure they use a condom. Even if they are HIV- there are other diseases you want to protect yourself from. If and when you enter a monogamous relationship with someone you may eventually switch to unsafe sex. If that works out then you'll get a chance to feel cum blasting inside you. I'll tell you in advance that it is more psychological than real though. It is highly difficult to actually feel cum spurting inside you.

Whatever you do, keep coming out. You'll find that being openly gay is a lot easier in life than being in the closet. You'll have a better sex life for it, and you'll have opportunities to meet more people to date and to play with. Good luck!

Aaron 'sez: Since there is no escorts' union, there is no one policy on how escorts handle HIV-positive clients. Some escorts are happy to see them, while others refuse to have anything to do with them. Still other escorts are willing to see them, but limit what they do or require more strict rules of safe sex.

My own policy is used by many professional escorts: I assume all of my clients are HIV+. I practice safe sex at a level with all of my clients at a level that I would be willing to take with HIV-positive clients. Perhaps the only area in which I might have a double-standard is the issue of taking cum in my mouth. I do this only rarely to begin with, and because I should probably not be doing this in my work I would not do so with an openly HIV+ client. Otherwise I can't think of any ways in which I would treat negative and positive clients any differently.

One thought you might want to keep in mind is that many escorts are HIV+ but do not disclose this information in advance. Accordingly those escorts are more than happy to work for HIV+ clients, although they still tend to play safe for a series of medical reasons. Regardless of an escort's or client's HIV status, he should always be aware that there is a good chance that a sexual partner has HIV, and should protect himself accordingly.

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.