Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: I fully concede that I have not read every medical study on the subject. However, I do have a medical advisor for this column who is an expert in gay medicine, in particular anarchically disorders. If he tells me to avoid Nonoxynol-9 because it irritates the lining of the rectum and can promote transmission of HIV, I'm going to avoid it. You are welcome to accept or refuse my suggestions based on your own interpretations of the research, but until the doc tells me otherwise I plan to keep suggesting that we all avoid it.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm sure it wouldn't be ethical for you to tell me the names of some escorts here in San Francisco that are poz, but I'm just looking for some advice on how to go with this.

Aaron 'sez: You're right about there being a lot of HIV+ positive escorts out there. Not many publicly (or even privately) admit to it, but they do exist and work on a regular basis. There is no litmus test short of asking for referrals. Try posting a message on the forums at male4malescorts.com asking for suggestions to be private e-mailed to you. Also, there is an escort in SF named Jordi that is openly HIV+. When I interviewed him for The Male Escort's Handbook he stressed that he still practices only safe sex, but he may be able to refer you to someone. Also, try doing a search for "barebacking escorts" on the web and looking at barebacking websites. You'll find a number of escorts that advertise a barebacking service. Ethics dictates you still come out to them about your HIV status before you have sex with them, but most are probably HIV+ anyway and are happy to work for you.

Aaron 'sez: Bad news for you - your friend is right. It is a disease. Albeit it not a viral or bacterial one. Remember that diseases are not necessarily colds, sore throats, herpes, and the Bubonic Plague. A disease is any naturally occurring condition that harms the body. This includes parasitic infections, fungal infections, and cancer. Indeed, many definitions of disease include alcoholism. So while the itching from crab lice is unusual in that it is caused by an organism large enough for you to see, it is still a disease. And yes, head and body lice are still considered diseases. They're simply not only sexually-transmitted ones. And I also doubt there is any link between the Christian right and the pharmaceutical industry. If anything, certain right-wingers refuse medical treatment in the belief that God will provide. I'm certain Pfizer doesn't appreciate that view.

As for the trend towards shaving pubic hair, it's a practice that has been done for thousands of years by many who want to look younger or enjoy the smooth feeling. It's considered a beauty standard by many, and it's certainly not going to stop anytime soon. If you like a big hairy bush, I suggest you tell your partners how great it would look if they let it grow out. If you do it in a positive manner instead of being critical and negative ("Ugh! You look ugly like that!), they might even grow it out for you.

Aaron 'sez: I think you identified your own problem. Thirty minutes of dildo action is way too much to open yourself up. Sure, it feels good, but as you have discovered you are sore when you actually try to get fucked. Try playing for five minutes next time and see how that improves things. Also, are you using a thick dildo? Perhaps a more moderately-sized one may be in order.

Aaron 'sez: Your boyfriend is right. A lot of people, both men and women, shave their pubic hair. Some people love the look, others hate it. If you want to try something different, why not give it a whirl? Have him shave you for some extra-special sexual fun. Somehow I think he'd get into that. : )

Aaron 'sez: Adult circumcision is definitely not for everyone, and is usually done only for medical rather than religious or social reasons. I fully appreciate you asking me about the subject though, as most websites on the subject that claim to be neutral information clearing-houses are in fact heavily biased against circumcision. It can be difficult to find any unbiased and factual information to help you make an informed decision.

One of the best pages on the subject is written for doctors, actually. It is a description of the surgery complete with pictures of the surgery. You can find it here. From that site I was able to answer your questions. That there is some pain involved during the procedure, but anesthesia is used to prevent that. Some pain can also occur after the surgery as well, although I suspect a doctor can prescribe something for it. The procedure itself is done on an outpatient basis and does not require a hospital stay. You remain awake for the procedure and are generally not knocked out for it.

As for recovery, you'll be bandaged for a couple of days, and have to avoid washing your dick for a few more days after that while the surgical area heals. You will also have to refrain from masturbation for sex for at least four to six weeks, although something tells me that you won't be in the mood for a good chunk of that. There is often a decreased amount of stimulation in the head of your dick as well, although not everyone reports that.

Unless you have a good reason (medical or otherwise) for being circumcised, you probably will not want to mess with it. But if it's something you either need or very much want to do, then I suggest you have a longer talk with your doctor about your concerns.

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Aaron 'sez: Kissing is relatively safe because HIV is present only in trace amounts in saliva, and because HIV has to enter your bloodstream in order to catch it. Just making out with someone with AIDS won't do it. As long as you don't have any cuts or sores in your mouth, it is almost completely safe to make out with a guy with HIV. Or blow him for that matter. Notice I say almost - there are no guarantees in life ('cept death and taxes). You may have small microscopic cuts that you don't know about, or may have gums that bleed a bit. Brushing your teeth right before sex can cause that problem, for example. It's a lot better to use mouthwash than to brush in that instance.

In general though, feel free to make out with all the guys you'd like. As I said, kissing is virtually 100% safe unless you have a cut or sore in your mouth. Plenty of other STDs can be transmitted through kissing, but in general not HIV.

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Aaron 'sez: If you want action, my first question is what are you doing to find it? You ain't gonna find no luvin' if all you do is work and mope. Especially if no one knows you're gay. Have you come out yet? You weren't out in secondary school but you're a grown man now. It's time to deal with your sexuality and start being a bit more open about life. Openly gay guys have a lot more of a love life than closet cases. Trust me on that point.

On that first question again, what are you doing with your free time, anyway? Are you checking out bars on a Friday night? You're just as capable of dancing on the dance floor as anyone else. Be sure to wear a t-shirt if you go out, too. I suspect wheeling around all day has helped shape your arms nicely. Show 'em off!

Here's another thought: Ever drop by a sauna or go to a sex club in somewhere like Amsterdam? Believe it or many of them are accessible. (Call 'em in advance to ask, of course. They're far more concerned with the local public health department and police than the council's disability access subcommittee, but you never know). If you're new to places like that, bring a friend along to give you a hand in case they're not quite up to accessible enough, or for getting in and out of the sauna's hot tub.

Honestly though? I suggest a major change in perspective. It's called self-confidence, and it's all about your body and your use of that chair. Start working out in a gym, or take some hot pictures of you in that chair and post 'em on the web. The key here is to start looking at your body as a sexual being that people want, and not something that is flawed and is a drawback. As you said, you can do anything except walk.

Above all, never never never never never feel bad about your sexuality because you use a wheelchair. God knows there are some seriously beastly guys out there that are putting their pictures on the web and are getting laid. If you're even remotely presentable you ought to be able to do better than them. Next time you're feeling frustrated about yourself, find something to boost your self-confidence and start getting out there and meeting people. It works for those ugly guys so it should do wonders for you.

Aaron 'sez: Ahhhh, namecalling and teasing. Some bullies never grow up, do they? You do realize that he hates himself and is taking it out on you, don't you? That's always the way it is for bullies. They can't pull themselves up, so they push others down.

You have three options you can try.

File a complaint - Talk to your boss or your company's human resources person about the appropriate way to file a harassment complaint against him. A formal memo reprimanding him may teach him that he needs to stop.

Ignore him - You know damn well that you're looking good and that you're a helluva lot more attractive a person than he is - both on the inside and the outside. If you give in to the urge to eat to make yourself feel better than you are doing EXACTLY what he wants you to do. That's the scenario in which he wins. Go take a picture of him and put it on your refrigerator Every time you eat to cheer yourself up because of the way he teases you than he wins. It's fine to eat if you want to - but don't do it because he's got you down.

Get Revenge - Everytime the asshole tells you that you're fat, tell him about your bodybuilding. Just as you hate his comments, he hates that you are becoming what he lacks the inner strength to be. Every time you shrug off his comments and go about your life in a healthy, pro-active way, deep down it reminds him what a worm he really is. So whenever he calls you fat, laugh it off and flex your biceps for him. You WILL get the last laugh.

Any of the three may solve your problem, but I believe the third option is the most fun. Not to mention it'll make yourself feel a lot better about the situation. Give it a try and good luck!

Aaron 'sez: What does living in a small town have to do with being tested for HIV? Millions of people, straight and gay, are tested regularly for HIV every year. It is a normal test that any doctor or health clinic can do. So common, in fact, that it really shouldn't raise an eyebrow. Just look the doctor in the eye and tell him you have a bit of a wild past and say you'd like to know for sure. Whether you have had sex with men or women has no bearing on your being tested.

You can try being tested in a larger city. Just call the local city's gay info line and ask them for a suggestion on where to get HIV testing. They'll have information on local clinics as well as a list of gay doctors in their area. You'll want to call ahead to the doctor's office in advance to ask them their policy on testing and receiving test results. They may vary widely, and you'll want to know their standard procedures before you get tested. You'd hate to show up only to find a clinic doesn't test on Wednesdays, or that you have to come back in two weeks to get your results in person.

If you're truly nervous about being tested in your town, then try the Home Access home HIV test kit. You can even buy it online for total discretion. It's somewhat of a pain to use, but it is far more discreet than going to a doctor. By the way home testing kits are illegal in the UK but are freely available in the USA.

Signed, Aftercum Trouble Boy

Aaron 'sez: Your urge to curl up and die rather than cuddle with your partner is called "internalized homophobia". It means you like having sex with guys, but deep-down inside you still believe its wrong. You're all psyched to have sex until you cum, but once you get off you feel guilty, awkward, dirty, and probably depressed. You feel that you have given into weakness, and that you would have been better off not having done anything in the first place. What you are feeling is somewhat common, but hardly normal or good for you. In particular men that are closeted about their sexuality feel the way you do far more than men who are open and comfortable with it.

What you need to do is to start dealing with your sexuality and to work through your guilt. Somewhere along the line you learned that it was wrong to have sex with a guy. As much as you may disagree, you need to unlearn that. You can try making gay friends, coming out support groups, or even counseling if you are so inclined. Bottom line though is that you have to grow to accept your sexuality and incorporate it into your life.

Notice too that I say sexuality and not homosexuality. Just because you're sleeping with guys doesn't mean you're gay. You may be 98% straight and just have an urge to be with a guy on occasion. Or perhaps you're 100% queer. I have no way of knowing. However you are though, accepting who you are and meeting like-mindedpeople is ultimately what will stop you from feeling bad after you blow your load.

Signed, Dumb Guy

Aaron 'sez: You're not dumb at all. What you have is a very good question. Just so you know, the "top" in gay sex fucks the "bottom". This is regardless of what position you are doing it in. Even if you are laying on your back and someone is sitting on your dick, you are still the top and the guy you are plowing is still the bottom. In Europe the terms "active" and "passive" are used instead of "top" and "bottom." On a related line, the phrase "Greek" refers to anal sex, while "French" refers to oral sex.

Another tricky one is the phrase "out only" in escort advertisements. It has nothing to do with being out of the closet. An outcall is when the escort comes to where the client lives, and an incall is when you go see him.

By far the most confusing one I know is personal ads when an S is looking for an M. That could be a slave looking for a master, but could also be the reverse with a sadist looking for a masochist. Confusing those two could cause some pretty awkward misunderstandings! Fortunately both S's and M's are usually able to understand the writer's intent from the context, and most are smart enough to write the whole word out.

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.