Aaron Lawrence is a 26 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook and Suburban Hustler both of which he published himself. Aaron answers your questions in this regular OutUK column on being gay, sex and relationships and any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: Yup, it's normal. You're experiencing what for many years teenagers have called "blue balls." It's caused when you have an erection for hours in a row.  The bloodflow into your testicles (balls) is reduced, which causes your balls to become sore and ache due to a lack of oxygen. This isn't serious as long as you let the erection down and blood to reach the cells normally again. The best way to do this? Blow your load and let your dick go back down. The before mentioned teen boys have also known this cure for generations. Take a lesson from 'em and blow your cookies next time before your balls get too sore.

Aaron 'sez: Yes, it can, but not if you tie up your cock and balls responsibly. Like in the above question, the problem starts when you restrict the blood flow for too long.  The rule of thumb to tying up one's cock and balls (for example, with a cockring) is to always leave enough room so that you can slide a finger or two between the rope (or whatever) and your body. Tie it any tighter and you're using a makeshift tourniquet. Tourniquets have the bad habit of causing the loss of the limb in question, so you really don't want to be doing that...

Of more importance I'd say is just why you can't get aroused without tying up your cock and balls. If you're going through a phase, no problem.  But if he just doesn't get you going any more, you might want to give some thought as to a better long-term approach to your troubles.

Aaron 'sez: I'm of the school that deep throating is not so much technique as positioning. First though, understand that everyone has their own limits. I am able to deep throat fairly long cocks, for example, but I have an awful time with the thick ones. I love to suck 'em, but I just can't take them deep inside my mouth. My throat just isn't wide enough, and no amount of wishful thinking is going to help.

That being said, getting into the right position can do wonders. Next time you are in bed, and your lover lays on his back while you kneel over his dick and suck on him, know that he's being a lazy bum and that's the wrong position to deep throat. A much better position is what the sword swallowers do. They stand up, tilt their head way back (thus opening up the airway - remember your CPR classes?) and slowly take it in. Now that may be a bit difficult unless your lover can somehow hang parallel to the ceiling. A bit of creativity can turn that ideal position into a workable one though.

I suggest the "suckee" standing up, while the "sucker" kneels on the ground in front of him. If your mouth is slightly lower than his dick, tilting your head back will do wonders for increasing your capacity for deep throating. It won't perform any miracles, but will help maximize your abilities. Another good one is if he lies with his back on the bed, but has his feet on the floor. You kneel between his legs and suck him that way. If the suckee has a dick that can be tilted relatively far back (towards you), you'll find that deep throating works fairly well that way.

There are other positions that will work for some people as well. A lot depends on your gag reflex and how wide your throat is. Give some thought as to other positions to suck a guy in, and how far that head of yours is tilted back. You might be surprised just what you can swallow.

Aaron 'sez: Mmmmm, it does and it doesn't. It depends on the guy and the mood, really.  Touching someone's prostate is much like licking their balls. It feels great if they're in the mood for it, but it's not a magical g-spot that instantly gives a guy an orgasm.

That being said, here's how to find a guy's prostate. Lay your partner back on the bed. Lube up your pointer finger and slide it into his ass, palm of your hand upward. Once you are all the way in, slowly curve your finger upward. The tip of the finger should touch the area of the body through which is the prostate.

Now stimulating the prostate during sex is a tricky thing. Those small-to-medium dick-sized guys out there will be happy to know that you will have an easier time of it. After all, if your dick reaches halfway to his brain, how are you supposed to stimulate something three inches in? You can do it, but you will have a tough time touching the prostate when you're all the way in. Smaller dicks are definitely be better off for this purpose.

Now I hate to leave you at this point, but there is no magical position for stimulating the prostate during anal sex. Too much depends on the positions that you and your partner like, what your dick is like, and the sensitivity of your partner's prostate. Just remember where the prostate is, and consider how you could gently touch it during sex. Oh, and always remember that word: gently. A prostate is meant to be gently massaged, not pounded. Experiment and talk to your partner to see what he likes. Make a point of doing so when he is extremely sexually excited. You'll find that what is uncomfortable at other times becomes pleasurable then.

Aaron 'sez: How about keep jacking? You clearly have fantasies about guys. If and when the fantasies become powerful enough, you may want to go ahead and try having sex with a guy. Once you reach that point you'll need to consider what you really want out of a long-term relationship, and from whom.

Either way, just remember that it's not fair getting hitched to a woman when you're still struggling with your sexuality. It's perfectly find for a man, married or otherwise, to fantasize about guys when he is with women.  But if that's all he ever does, and in the depths of his heart he wishes he was really with a man, then he isn't going to be able to truly commit himself to her. And commitment is exactly what marriage is all about. My advice to you: keep jacking, and give some thought to where you stand before you take things to any deeper level.

Aaron 'sez: Sure, why not? I have known plenty of relationships where both guys were strict tops (or bottoms). In those cases they often don't have anal sex with each other, and keep their sex strictly oral. My own lover much prefers oral sex to anal, so I spend an awful lot of time servicing him with my mouth. As long as you and your lover are happy together, the two of you alone define what is normal sex in your relationship. If either of you ever have cravings to try something different, talk about it and see if you can meet each other's needs, or if you can work together to find an acceptable outlet outside of the relationship.

Aaron 'sez: If you are married and want to try sex with a man, you have a four main options. (Countless lesser ones, but these are the four biggies).  First, as you said, hire an escort. Second, find a gay bar, drop in, and try to pick someone up. Third, look on cruisingforsex.com for your local cruising place (bathhouse, park, rest area, whatever), and find someone that way. Fourth and finally, look for someone via a chatroom or personal ad to hook up with for sex.

Each option has its particular pros and cons, and addresses the issue of discretion in different ways. What is the best way for you to meet a guy is really a matter of your personal comfort. I have a bias in favor of hiring escorts (an established one would be your best bet if you desire discretion), but then again I have been in the escort 'biz for years so I'm hardly impartial. Other users out there would suggest any of the other four methods. As I said, any of them are acceptable though of course you need to be aware of both the law where you live and playing safely. Just give some thought as to how you'd like to proceed, and then do so with a sensible level of caution.

Aaron 'sez: I'll grant you that 63 is a bit later than usual to come out, but I'll also point out that it's a lot younger than some people do. There is no such thing as too old to come out. As a friend once put it to me, "age is mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

I suggest you start slowly by taking one of those friendships to a more sexual level.  Talk about your issues with your new companion, and come out like everyone else does: to one person at a time. There's no reason you need to make a general announcement that grandpa is gay to your next family reunion. Any gay grandchildren you have will hardly be coming out that way, so why should you?

So come out like everyone else does. Start by telling a close friend who will understand. Then tell another friend. Then another. Then pick a relative who you are certain will be supportive (and keep their mouth shut). And take it from there. You will find some of your relationships become more distant, but others will become much stronger for your efforts. Oh, and be sure to find a network of gay friendships in the meantime. Not just people to write with online, but those to go to dinner or otherwise "hang out" with. And consider volunteering at your local gay and lesbian resource center. You'll make some incredible friendships that way too.

Good luck coming out. Remember: as with all aspects of your life, you're only too old once you decide you are.

Aaron 'sez: Correct me if I'm wrong, but will the world end if your family name isn't carried on? In many societies we are taught to be proud of our family name and to desire to carry it on.  Yet it really is a small issue in the grand scheme of things, if you think about it. And besides, you can always adopt. So the issue of the family name isn't insurmountable if it's that important to you.

As for your friends, here's a rule to keep in mind: your true friends will stick with you no matter who you are. If a friend flips out and doesn't want to be around "the fag," then he wasn't much of a friend, was he? I'd say no, your friends won't treat you the same. They'll actually treat you a lot better in the long run. Trusting them with the knowledge that you are gay will be returned with loyalty and support a hundred times over.

Aaron 'sez:
The good news is that Kegel exercises strengthen your Pubococcygeus (PCG) muscles and make you orgasms more intense and shoot further. The bad news is that it has no effect on your erection. (To make your erections harder or longer, don't cum for a day or two before you want it really hard, or use Viagra).

As I said, Kegel exercises strengthen your PCG muscles. These are the muscles you use to stop peeing or pooping. To give them a good workout, try these two exercises.

- Squeeze your PCG muscles as tightly as you can. Hold them as long as you can for up to 10 seconds.  Then relax them for ten seconds. Do 15 repetitions of this exercise. Do this twice per day (once in the morning, once in the evening). Be sure not to work any other muscles while doing this exercise. An erection is not required.


You will notice at first that you won't be able to hold it for the whole ten seconds without the muscle relaxing some.  That's okay - you will notice over weeks of doing this that the muscles become stronger. It may take you several weeks or months before you can do 15 reps of this exercise well.

- Once you finish the above exercise, squeeze your PCGs in short bursts of one second, followed by a second of rest. Do five sets of this exercise with five reps in each one. Do this exercise twice per day (once in the morning, once in the evening). Be sure not to work any other muscles while doing this exercise. An erection is not required.

If you do this correctly, you should notice progress in how strong the muscles are.  As a result, you will experience more intense orgasms that shoot further. Don't expect it to make you shoot a geyser if you normally dribble, but it may give you a few extra inches of distance.

Aaron 'sez: I asked my dear ol' pal Doc Goldstone for his thoughts.  He said you should see a surgeon. As he put it, "Warts in the anal canal are rarely amenable to treatment by a dermatologist. You should also warn your readers that in gay men warts are rarely confined to the outside of the anus and most always internally as well. If the doctor doesn't look inside then he/she is doing the patient a great disservice. If you don't know a gay or gay-friendly doc in your area check out the "Find a Provider" section on Gayhealth.com."

There you have it.  Good luck!

Aaron 'sez: Oh wow, a question from a woman! Don't get many of them in my column. It makes me feel like Dan Savage.  :)

I have two thoughts on your letter. First, there are those in life who just don't find romantic relationships to be an attractive idea. They value their independence, and although they hate being lonely they would rather have a group of close friends instead of a significant other. It is possible you are one such person. And if so, focusing on close friendships rather than a relationship may make you that much happier.

Second and oppositely, somewhere along the line you picked up a bad habit, thought, philosophy, or idea that makes your relationships not work out. Perhaps you were abused and now avoid intimacy. Perhaps you have unrealistic expectations as to what a relationship should feel like.  Or maybe you just have really bad body odor and your dates can't stand being near you for long.  It could be any of those or a thousand other possibilities.

I don't normally recommend everyone run off and see a shrink, but in this case you might want to find a qualified counselor to talk with. In psychology, a behavior becomes a problem when it upsets someone or disrupts someone's life. Your lack of a long-term relationship has you feeling lonely and wondering if there is something wrong with you. A dozen sessions with a trained counselor may do wonders for helping you sort through this issue.

Aaron 'sez: Condoms are a god send for birth control and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, but they can make it harder to have an erection. As you already noticed, having cum recently makes it more difficult as well. If you're having these problems, it means you're human just like everyone else.

I have a few suggestions for you. First, if you're going to be having a lot of sex in a given week, cut out any masturbating you're doing behind the scenes. Having less orgasms will keep you hornier, and thus more capable of keeping an erection. Second, try spacing out your sexual encounters by another day. If you know it takes you three days to really recharge your dick, then keep that in mind when setting up those hot dates. Third, consider what else you can do besides top. I know you love to do it, but that doesn't mean it's not the only type of sex that feels great. And finally, consider getting yourself a Viagra prescription. It's not something you want to use regularly, but if your doc gives you permission, 25mg of Viagra might be just the thing to help you keep it up again two days after having sex. And as long as you don't use poppers or ecstasy (both of which can cause problems getting hard), Viagra is probably a lot safer way for you to stay hard than losing the condom.

Aaron 'sez: Another question from a woman? Wow! Two in one day. If this keeps up I may have to create a spin-off column. : )

It's hard to say why you don't fantasize about your husband. Perhaps it's something obvious (is he 50lbs overweight?), or perhaps it's just that you have an active imagination of things you find appealing. Either way, as long as your fantasies don't cause you any mental distress, there's nothing wrong with thinking about other guys in bed.

As a side note, you should know that you're not alone. Many, many people never fantasize about their lover/husband/wife (myself included), especially when they are in bed with that person. Who knows why? And who cares? As long as you find sex with him to be a bonding experience then it really doesn't matter.

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.