First Published: 10th March 2002
This is an OutUK Archive Item and so some of the links and information may be out of date.
10th March 2002 - Unwanted Advances, VVWE Partners and Looking at Porn.
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Aaron Lawrence is a 26 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook and Suburban Hustler both of which he published himself. Aaron answers your questions in this regular OutUK column on being gay, sex and relationships and any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind". |
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Aaron 'sez: In my last column I challenged you to identify nasophillia. To my surprise no one tried to identify this one. Nasophillia is actually the sexual attraction to the nose or nostrils. Odd, eh? They do have a word for everything these days. No quiz questions for you this month, so go ahead and get started on today's column. As always, you'll find tons of titbits of terribly terrific and tantalizingly teasing information in here. (Couldn't think of a good t-word for information, but then again I never was a cunning linguist.) |
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Question: I have been with five guys but have never been fucked, so I asked a guy with a 6" cock to fuck me. Well, he got in a quarter of the way and it hurt me so we stopped. I have since bought 4" vibrator and am now able to fuck myself with it. The next day though I have a lot of gas and shit a lot. Is that normal, and if so, what do I do about it? I want to get a bigger vibrator but I don't want to hurt myself. What I think I need is a very experienced top. Please help! Signed, Lots of Gas Aaron 'sez: When a guy gets fucked, one of the side effects is to motivate one's bowels to churn a bit. This causes material in one's intestines to gradually "slide on down" and to exit a few minutes or few hours later. Furthermore, if any gas was pumped in there during anal sex, it comes back out as well. If the person received a particular vigorous fucking, all of this can be accompanied by cramping enough to put him off ever being fucked again, (until the next time he becomes horny). Your situation is a variation on this. It happens the next day rather than a few hours after - possibly because you to go to bed not long after being fucked? Either way, there are a few things you can try to help yourself out. First, if you know you are going to be fucked, eat half as much as normal for 24 hours beforehand. Not only does it make you much cleaner inside, it also means you have that much less inside of you ready to come out. Second, try getting fucked (whether by a partner or with a dildo) in different positions. That may lessen the amount of gas getting pumped into you. Another possibility is to use a disposable enema before you engage in anal sex. Besides the obvious benefits in terms of making sure that anal sex is cleaner, you may also lose some of that matter inside your body that bothers you so much. (I hate the "s-word" and can't bring myself to write it). Just be sure to use the enema at least an hour or two before anal sex, as you want to give your body time to absorb any excess fluid that it leaves in your body. Otherwise your efforts to "de-mess yourself" may backfire. Finally, consider altering your diet to have more insoluble fiber in it. Fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and unprocessed bran will all help make your movements more solid and make your bathroom runs the next day more pleasant. |
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Question from an OutUK Member: This is a stupid question but I'm going to ask nevertheless. I know what a butt plug is, but what exactly is it's function? Is it to keep the anus loose at all times in the event that a top presents itself? Besides being shorter, how is it different than a dildo? How long does one leave it in? Does leaving it in too long cause a problem? What's a good size butt plug to use? Signed, My Ass Is Begging For It Aaron 'sez: To understand a butt plug you need to understand a dildo. If you stuck a dildo up your ass and left it alone, the natural contractions of your sphincter muscles would slowly slide it back out. A butt plug, on the other hand, is designed to not be as obtrusive in terms of how deep it goes, but at the same time it has a much wider spot toward the bottom. In that way the wide spot enters your body, but the natural contractions of the sphincter muscles aren't strong enough to force that wide spot back out. So the plug stays in your body until you manually remove it by pulling on its base. In my experience, most people who use butt plugs restrict their use to their bedrooms (or wherever they are having sex). They slide it in the bottom and then leave it there to provide stimulation while the couple (or group!) does other things. Alternately, they leave it in to loosen up the bottom a bit before he gets fucked. A few people, however, like to use them for reasons of more subtle gratification. I knew of one man who liked to slide in a butt plug, then pull up his pants and go about his normal routine at home. He even would wear it in to work on occasion. (He had a lot of fun with it, but discovered that climbing stairs was much more difficult that way...). As for your final questions, you can leave a butt plug inside you without causing problems as long as it feels comfortable. And start with a small butt plug and work your way up in size. They're not that expensive, and a range of butt plugs will allow you to pick one whose size properly represents your mood. And you can always move up in size as your sex or masturbation session progresses. |
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Question: I've been in monogamous relationship for five years with my boyfriend, although we have done the occasional threeway or foursome. I have been having unprotected anal sex with my boyfriend for the past two years. Both of us have no signs of having any STDs, and I was tested for HIV about 18 months ago (results were negative). Is unprotected anal sex in a monogamous relationship 100% safe? Signed, Fun in Philly Aaron 'sez: Any time you have sex with someone who does not have HIV you cannot contract it from him. The same goes in reverse - your partners cannot contract HIV from you if you do not have it. Accordingly, if you and your partner both are free of HIV and other STDs, you should be able to fuck like bunnies without fear of contracting anything. The risk, of course, is that he's sneaking around behind your back playing with other guys. In that case you have few defenses against contracting anything he picks up. So be on guard in case he comes home with the proverbial lipstick on his collar. You don't need to subject him to the inquisition every Friday night, but at the same time you should be watching out for your own interests. Suggestion? Go get yourselves tested again. It'll put both of your minds at ease that neither of you are in any danger of contracting HIV from each other. |
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Question from an OutUK Member: My question will amaze, irritate and annoy many readers, but to me this is a real problem which is spoiling my recently opened up sex life. I am sixteen years old and attend a public school. I am happy to be gay and have known this in my heart of hearts for about five years. There are a fair number of guys who are also gay and we have a good sex life in the dorm. My problem is that my penis is big - I fear too big. I am 5'8" tall weigh just over ten stone (140 lbs), and my dick is just under ten inches when fully erect. I cannot be easily sucked because I am too thick, and cannot fuck other guys easily because I am too long. What can I do? Signed, Pauly Aaron 'sez: You're 16 and sporting a ten-incher? You're going to be very popular in a couple of years! Seriously, if you're playing in the dorms then you're playing with similarly inexperienced guys just getting the hang of gay sex. As such, they're not going to likely be that skilled at working with a big dick. Hell, they're not going to be all that skilled at handling their own! It may not be much of a consolation now, but in a few years you'll be meeting guys who have more experience and will be more able to work with what you've got. That being said, there are a few things you can do right now. For example, tell your partners to refrain from jacking off for a couple of days before you fuck them. Being horny is one of the best ways to take a bigger dick. Another suggestion is for both of you to fuck on your sides. That is a good beginner position and allows the bottom to move forward if the angle hurts him. Positions where the bottom is pinned in place are not as good if you've got a big tool. A more exotic method of getting a bottom primed to take you is to find a bottom who likes group sex. Have another guy fuck him for a while first to open him up. Then you can climb in and take a turn. You'll find that a smaller dick is a great way to warm up a bottom. If you don't have a partner handy, try a dildo or two that is smaller than you. You can use those to prime him up to taking something your size. In general though you're going to have to do something to get him ready to be fucked. It's hard for a bottom to go from "zero to ten inches" without squirming a bit. As for oral sex, get used to not laying on your back while you are being serviced. That may work great if you only want him to suck the head or lick the sides. But in general you need to stand up and have him kneel in front of you. Think of the angle that a sword-swallower puts his head when he swallows a sword. That's the angle you want your boys to be at when they start sucking on you. You've got a big tool and need to learn how to use it effectively (and how your partners can do so). But never fear, you will learn, and you're going to have a great sex life. |
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Question: Does having unprotected anal intercourse increase your chances of getting cancer of the rectum or colon? Signed, S.H. Aaron 'sez: As a matter o' fact, it does. At least if you are doing it with multiple partners. A long-term monogamous sex life with a faithful partner is not likely to put you at high risk. Allow me to explain... One of the most common STDs is Human Papilloma Virus, or HPV. Over 100 strains of HPV exist that can cause warts. Some cause the basic warts you find on your fingers while others cause genital warts. Unlike HIV, HPV can be transmitted through rubbing an infected area (which may or may not show signs of a wart) against another person. In time warts can develop and spread back into the anal cavity. This can even happen to strict tops, although it is more common in bottoms who are immune-compromised, have multiple partners, or regularly engage in unsafe sex with a non-long term monogamous partner. (Dating six weeks before having unsafe sex doesn't count, either. We're talking years and years here). Genital warts love growing and spreading inside a person's anus or cervix. Once you've got them there you've got problems. Among those problems is the issue of your cells. HPV slowly warps the surrounding tissues causing cells to become precancerous. If a person develops high-grade precancerous cells in their rectum, he has about a one in ten chance of developing rectal cancer. Not good odds! The good news is that your doctor can screen the inside of your butt for anal warts, and if he finds them, can do a biopsy to determine the condition of the surrounding tissues. He can then remove the warts (and if necessary, precancerous cells). There is a high rate of reoccurrence though, so you should be checked regularly. Even if you are not diagnosed with warts, sexually active HIV-negative men should be screened for them at least once every three years, and HIV-positive men every year. On a lighter note, gay men have lower rates of prostate cancer than straight men. So there's at least a small amount of good news there! It probably comes from having an active sex life rather than from any sort of anal sex though. Regular orgasms are one of the many factors correlated with lowering rates of prostate cancer. Fun way to keep yourself healthy, eh? |
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Question: Is it normal for my boyfriend to look at other guys (nudes of beautiful men) on the internet if we are committed to being and staying monogamous? Or is it a sign that he is bored with the relationship and may cheat? There is no other signs that we are not extremely close and happy together. Do most all gay guys like to look? Signed, Computer Surfer's Boyfriend Aaron 'sez: It's quite normal. I doubt there is a gay man alive who doesn't look at an attractive person when he walks by. It's when he asks that guy for his phone number that you need to be concerned. Let him have his nudie pics on the computer. And instead of being jealous or feeling left out, share his hobby with him. Get him to show off his collection of pictures to you, and once you learn what he likes then send him a few more pictures to look at. Making yourself a part of his hobby will keep the lines of communication open far more than throwing a jealous tantrum. |
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Question: I'm new to the sex thing and I just lost my virginity not too long ago. I have a problem though. My boyfriend and I recently decided to take our relationship to the next level (as in anal sex). The problem is that I'm small (only 129 lbs) and I'm very tight with a small hole. He on the other hand is pretty big and has a thick 9.5-10" dick that takes forever to cum. Even if I am jacking him it takes a good hour or more, and when he's in me it takes about the same amount of time. I have not yet been able to keep him in me for more than about seven minutes before pain starts to set in. What can I do to take him easier keep him there longer? Is there any advice on taking a big dick and ways to make it easier on me? I really need your advice. Signed, I Want To Make Him Happy Aaron 'sez: Congrats on taking the plunge and being plunged by your guy! Sex is a fun world as you are discovering, but doesn't instantly start as incredible and rewarding. Sometimes a few upgrades in the skill department are necessary before everything works right. For starters, know that rule #2 to sex is never do anything that puts you in pain. (#1 is never bring home anything that a prescription from your doctor can't fix). If sex with your lover is hurting, then stop! You clearly want to make him happy, but does putting yourself in pain for his pleasure solve anything? Sex is supposed to be 60-40. You focus on your partner's pleasure 60% of the time and your own for the other 40%. Putting yourself in pain for his pleasure means that it's 100-0, and that ain't the way it's supposed to be. So here's what you're going to do. First, stop playing the martyr in bed. If it hurts, tell him you want to switch and do something else. If he begs/pleads/ignores you/otherwise wants to keep fucking, then make him stop and give serious consideration to whether you want to keep this guy around. It's one thing if he's half a minute away from cumming and wants to get a few more thrusts in. It's another if he thinks he can put you in agony for the next hour while he pumps away. If he refuses to listen, buy a dildo the size of his dick and fuck your lover with it for an hour sometime. He'll begin understanding what you're going through then. Second, you're going to suggest he not jack off for a few days before you have sex. He may love wanking, but that makes it more difficult for him to cum during sex. If he stops doing it for even a day or two beforehand, he may cut half an hour or more off the time it takes for him to cum. Third, you're going to make sure you're using enough lube and of the right type. I suggest ForePlay if you're using condoms and Wet if you're not, but either way you should use plenty of this. Spit, Vaseline, and KY don't do the trick when it comes to getting fucked by a big dick. This guy has A-1 equipment so you need an A-1 lube. Find the best stuff you can and use that. Fourth, try different positions. He may love to lay on his back while you sit on his dick, but that's often a tough position for the top (him) to cum in. Going at it on your back, stomach, or side may be easy. Especially sides - that's always an easy position for the guy getting fucked. Finally, accept that you may not be able to get him off inside you, from your mouth, or by jacking him off. Your butt, mouth, and arm can all start to hurt / get tired. Do what you can, give it the ol' college try, but don't kill yourself over it. Offer to fuck him, eat out his ass, or have him jack off all over your face. There are a dozen other things you can do that involve him jacking off his own dick. If he really, truly, honestly takes an hour or more to get off, he's going to have to get used to this in life. A few guys may be able to get him off, but the vast majority of people won't be able to. Once he learns how to balance the realities of his "condition" with his desires, his sex life (and yours) will improve a great deal. |
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Question from an OutUK Visitor: I am 15 and gay. I have fancied a teacher for a long time, and about two weeks ago he actually touched me on my ass. I enjoyed it but at the same time I knew I shouldn't have. A week ago he called me into his office and told me he wanted to have sex with me. I agreed and went ahead with it. The sex was good, but now when I pass him in school he winks or touches me. I am scared someone will notice. He even cornered me in a classroom at lunch and began kissing me and putting his hands into my pants. I am now at the point where I am not enjoying it and want him to stop. I have said it to him but he hasn't listened. I don't know who I can tell as I don't want to tell anyone I'm gay. What should I do? Signed, Teenboy15 Aaron 'sez: You, my friend, are in what we sex advisors call "quite a predicament". In theory, the textbook solution is to do this: Go to a trusted teacher, guidance counselor, or school administrator, ask to talk to them in private, and explain to them what is going on. They will then investigate, can the teacher, have his teaching license revoked, probably have child endangerment charges filed against him, and then life will return to normal while your secret is kept safe. I'll be honest though - that doesn't always happen. Investigations don't always find in favor of the student. The teacher may deny that he ever approached you, word may get out about your accusation (and his denial), and the other students and your parents may learn part (or all) of the story of what happened. You are facing the same dilemma that every student who is sexually harassed faces: do they turn in their accuser, or do they ignore it and hope the situation will get better? And if they stay quiet and say nothing, what is going to happen to the next person that the teacher seduces? (You do realize that you're probably not the first or last, right?) Before I give any advice, I want you to understand something: YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR WHAT HAPPENED. There is no rule that says that students can't sleep with their teacher. On the flipside though, your teacher violated the law of your country and betrayed the most basic principles of being a schoolteacher. Not only did he sleep with a student, he has refused to stop sexually harassing him when the student told him "no". For that last reason alone he should be strung up by his balls and hung from gymnasium ceiling. There is NO, and I repeat NO, excuse for his behavior. How you handle this dilemma is going to be a matter of your fears and how strong of a person you are. Deep inside, you know the right thing to do is to find a trusted teacher/counselor/administrator and tell them everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) that happened between you and Mr. Asshole-Teacher. You may not want him to get into trouble and may even still have feelings for him. That's understandable and even admirable to some extent, but remember that he made the choices he did. And those choices were clearly and utterly wrong. Anyway, once you tell someone about what happened, they will sit down with the principal and the investigation will begin. If your fears about being outed as being gay are greater than your desire to have the teacher stop harassing you, then you can always do the opposite. Do nothing, sit and take it, and screw around with him again when he promises to leave you alone if you fool around him one more time. (And he will, by the way. They always do). This is a pretty sad and lonely way out of your problem, but it is one of your options. You can avoid him in the halls to some extent, and you can look away when you see him, but sooner or later he will find an excuse to be alone with you. A third option is a rather creative balance between the two. In this scenario, you take a small tape recorder to school. Set it to record and put it in your bag, then have your bag nearby when you talk to him. Play up that you want to mess around with him for a minute and get him to confess something on tape that he shouldn't be doing. For example, talk to him about what you did sexually last time. Say, "Mr. Smith, do you remember when we had sex last week?" He'll answer affirmatively (and give you the evidence you need in the process). To go all out, you can go so far as to set up another meeting to have sex outside of the school day. Do whatever you want - the key here is to get him to talk about sex with you (either past or in the future). And anything you say or promise to do won't matter. Y'see, before you leave the room, look him in the eye and tell him that you have a tape recorder in your bag and he just admitted to having sex with an underage student of his. Tell him that the rules between you are now changed, and you don't ever want him touching you, leering at you, or talking about sex to you. If he even so much as looks at you ever again, and I suggest you use this quote, you will personally give the tape to the principal (headmaster?) and see that he feeds the teacher's balls into the paper shredder. Then walk out and store that tape in a safe place. You've just started walking a tightrope, and you're going to be stressed for the rest of your high school career. But it will preserve your privacy while perhaps getting the teacher off your back. Which suggestion should you take? My vote is for the first one - because in any other case he's going to put his mangy mitts all over another student. It's not a matter of if he does, it's a matter of when. Still, to walk the first path you need to be brave, strong, and full of self-confidence. At no time do you ever have to tell anyone that you are gay. Just say that you had sex. You're a minor - as such it doesn't matter whether you are gay or straight. Lots of students wind up in bed with teachers for a lot of different reasons. The fact that you are both male should not be an issue. Still, it's your decision. Give it some thought but don't wait for too long. Your situation is only getting worse and that teacher is only going to become more aggressive to get what he wants. If you're still not sure what to do, give a call to the UK service (since that's where you are), ChildLine. They're an advice service for kids and can help you out. You can reach them at 0800 1111. They are completely confidential and you don't have to tell them who you are. They'll know the legal issues involved in a British abuse case far better than I do (I'm a Yank, y'know!), and will be able to tell you more about what to expect in an investigation. Good luck - keep me informed what you decide to do. You can e-mail me directly at aaron@aaronlawrence.com or drop a line through OutUK.com like you did last time. |
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Question: I was talking to my college buddies the other day, and they say that they need to cum everyday. Do you feel there's a need to cum everyday? Should every normal man jack off every day? Aaron 'sez: They cum every day? Wow, that's better than I ever did, even at age 16. The answers to your questions are no and no. There is no biological need for men to cum every day. Some need to cum more often, some less. It's a matter of your individual body. Accordingly, jacking off four times a day or once a week may be normal for you - it just depends on how often you feel the physical need to do it. |
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Question: I am here to ask something about AIDS/HIV. I don't know if french kissing and masturbation between two guys can spread HIV. My first gay experience was a french kiss and being touched on my private place by a guy, and I don't know whether he has HIV or not. So could you give me some suggestions about safe sex and whether I should be concerned about the experience I had? Signed, Confusion in Beijing Aaron 'sez: You're in luck. It is virtually impossible (although theoretically possible) to spread HIV from kissing. There is so little of a chance that I wouldn't worry about it unless you are kissing someone you know as HIV and you have a cut or sore in your mouth. Masturbation is similarly safe. HIV cannot be transmitted from masturbation. The only way you could get it that way would be if you had a cut or sore on your dick and he jacked off his cum right onto that sore. As long as that isn't the case then you are just fine. When it comes to AIDS and sex between men, here is what you need to know: - Getting fucked without a condom is very dangerous. Your partners should always wear a condom. You have a 1 in 2000 chance of contracting HIV when fucked bareback by a stranger. - Fucking someone without a condom is dangerous, but not as much as the above. You have a 13 in 200,000 chance of contracting HIV when topping a stranger during sex. - Giving oral sex without a condom is the next most dangerous. You have about a 2 in 200,000 chance of contracting HIV this way. - Receiving oral sex without a condom is the least dangerous. You have a 1 in 200,000 chance of getting HIV this way. In all of the above examples the statistics are based on American rates of HIV prevalence with an assumption that 1 out of 10 gay men have HIV. If gay men are more or less likely to have HIV in your country the statistics may be higher or lower. Also, the statistics assume that the stranger has an unknown HIV status. I believe (but am not certain) that the statistics also reflect that the sexual act has been performed until the person orgasms. So don't be concerned with what you have done, but if you have oral or anal sex with anyone, consider your odds. Most Americans use a condom for all anal sex but do not use them for oral sex. You may want to use condoms more or less often based on HIV infection rates in your own country. |
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Question:I am a 48 year-old white male that has only been interested in oral sex all of my gay life. I was sexually active when I was 14, and have only been fucked three times since then. I have never enjoyed being fucked because the pain is too intense. As for topping, I have only fucked 2 guys - neither experience did anything for me. I never came in any of my topping or bottoming experiences. I know that the majority of gay men are into anal sex of some sort, but I just love to suck cock. Am I "weird," or should I just kick back and be satisfied with the fact I am a professional in my area? Signed, Lap it up in Indianapolis! Aaron 'sez: You're not weird at all. If fucking doesn't do anything for you and oral sex does, by all means keep lapping up those puddles of cum. There are plenty of guys out there who loves to lie back and have their dick serviced. I have no doubt you can keep your sex life filled with them. Lots of those are happy to lie you back and reciprocate when they're done, too. So have fun with your sex life and don't worry about fucking. Enjoy it when you see it on porn, but only fuck when you want to do it for your partner's pleasure.
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Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.
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Bedtime Reading | |
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Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon. |
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Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here. |