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Astrology is the study of the correlation between celestial movements of the sun, moon and planets
with earthly events or human personality, and is often used for self-discovery or guidance. It uses a
birth chart — a map of the sky on the day or your birth — to interpret life patterns.
However, astrology is not in the business of telling the complete truth, writes astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein. That’s why traits like “cheap”, “spiteful” and “ugly” become “thrifty”, “intense” and “good personality” are often found amongst the predictions.
Charlene Lichtenstein is the most widely published astrologer in the gay and lesbian press including popular American
outlets like The Washington Blade and The Philadelphia Gay News. We asked her for the
real truth about that guy you fancy, and she thinks you should find out his star sign before you get involved.
Then can consult the following long before you start cracking that bottle of champagne to celebrate catching that new man.
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| CAPRICORN December 22-January 20 Capricorns would sell their souls if they thought they could make a profit. They are mean spirited, pessimistic folks who couldn’t have a good time even if they were paid for it (well... maybe if they were paid for it...) Caps succeed in bloody corporate politics because they think nothing of stabbing a friend in the back to get ahead. Most Capricorns are lonely souls, with good reason. Mitigating factors: Light up a room when they leave. Those born under the sign of Capricorn include: Mao Ze Dong, Richard Nixon, Howard Stern. |
| AQUARIUS January 21-February 18 Astrology books say that Aquarians are humanitarians who strive for the common good. That just means that they stink in one to one relationships. Aquarians are cold and calculating opportunists who set themselves up as standard bearers of the downtrodden for their own self glorification. Aquarians are always butting their noses in other people’s business; not out of concern but out of ego. Mitigating factors: Somebody has to join the Conservative party.... Those born under the sign of Aquarius include: Eva Braun, Rasputin. |
| PISCES February 19-March 20 Pisces are sneaky and underhanded and tend to be vainly self absorbed. They think nothing of sponging off friends, guzzling the milk of human kindness and see you later when another dairy looms large. Astrology books say that Pisces are prone to depression; no wonder considering how they treat others. Mitigating factors: Makes a good partner for bridge because they cheat. Those born under the sign of Pisces include: James Earl Ray, Jerry Lewis, Adolph Eichmann. |
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For Entertainment Purposes Only. Madam Lichtenstein, a Sagittarian, doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but can’t help it. © Charlene Lichtenstein, All Rights Reserved | |