Jealousy can be one of the most destructive emotions in a relationship.
Counsellor and coach Brian Rzepczynski
looks at ways to conquering the green-eyed monster.
Conquering The Jealousy MonsterIf you are the one suffering from jealousy…Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognise that you are not your jealousy—it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it. Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions. |
| Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as: Do I trust my partner and believe what he says? Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him? What is my jealousy really about? What hurts? What’s missing in my life? What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it? Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities? |
|
|
Identify your triggers to jealousy and either avoid them or find ways to confront
them head-on in a healthy way.
Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex-boyfriend. Learn how to control your anger and grieve past losses and hurts. Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner’s behaviour. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality. Realise that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times. Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety. Make sure you have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose. Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that boost your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess. If you are the partner of a jealous lover…Be patient and endure through this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathise and validate his feelings. Provide reassurances of your love, but don’t enable his behaviour.Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional wellness. Identify ways you might be able to support your partner and show how you value him. Explore your own behaviour to determine if you’re reinforcing your lover’s jealousies in any way.
And finally, together as a couple…Identify if the jealousy has its roots in an underlying problem in your relationship. What’s missing? Are there any unmet needs that require your attention?Don’t make assumptions! Avoid mind-reading and always check feelings or thoughts that you may have with each other. This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or relationship rules need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped. Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend lots of quality time together and engage in activities that will re-vitalize your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy. Jealousy doesn’t have to rule your life. Make a commitment to aggressively minimize its influence so that there will be more energy available for your own self-care and for enriching your relationship. These are the things that really matter. So squash that monster before it has the chance to contaminate what the two of you have worked so hard to build. Convert that jealousy into passion for yourself and for your partner and before long you’ll no longer heed Jealousy’s evil whispers. You can do it! Brian Rzepczynski is a counsellor and personal coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." Find out more at www.thegaylovecoach.com |