You yearn for more than just the odd weekend with your nephew and niece. OutUK's
Adrian Gillan explores the options, from fostering and adoption to giving a lady
your sperm.
SPERM DONATIONIf you want to be a biological father and you don't have kids by a previous heterosexual relationship or encounter, then - fairly obviously - you'll need to give your sperm to a lady, somehow. | |
| Prospective lesbian parents have two options: either obtaining sperm from an anonymous father from one of the relatively few predominantly private, non-NHS, clinics and sperm banks in the UK that explicitly permit lesbian recipients or obtaining and using sperm personally, outside the clinic situation, via self-insemination from a father who is nearly always known, and very often gay. |
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Looking at it from the male perspective however, gay men cannot become fathers of
known children via clinics, whether private and NHS, where donor/recipient
anonymity is strictly observed. Indeed - as an aside - gay men are not in fact
allowed to donate sperm at clinics in order to have even unknown children if they
so wished since - despite the fact that all sperm is carefully screened for HIV -
they are considered to fall into a HIV risk group and are therefore barred by
regulation. Arguably more discrimination!
A website www.mannotincluded.com has just been launched claiming to offer screened, anonymous sperm samples to lesbian couples. However - as ever - men who have, or ever have had, sex with other men are explicitly barred from donating, and – as usual - all donor anonymity is strictly enforced, so you’d never know the identity of recipient or resulting child anyway. So the site still has nothing whatsoever to offer you gay male brooders. Gay men can only become 'known fathers' outside this clinic situation. And indeed it is often mutually beneficial for a gay man to so give sperm to a known woman - most likely a lesbian who also wants a known father who can then take on some parental roles and responsibilities for the child. Win-win: Bingo. You may happen to know a lesbian friend who wants kids, or you may see a lady advertising for one in the classifieds somewhere. Or you may alternatively place an advert yourself looking for a lady to have your kids. Whichever way you meet your prospective sperm recipient, and regardless of who makes the first move and whether you know each other first, you should both take obvious precautions regarding intentions and health, ideally agreeing things first in writing - so far as is possible - although such donor agreements are not enforceable. Clarify what each party expects from the arrangement. Then, prepare to be flexible - within reason. The greater the transparency and flexibility all round, the better. The woman using your sperm will almost certainly insist on full independent health checks on you, including HIV and other STDs, family medical history and naturally sperm count. Obviously, the more tests the safer for both mother and hoped-for baby. Tests all clear? Then to cut to the chase: you produce a semen sample by masturbation into a sterile sample jar at your lady's most fertile time of the month, and very quickly get the sample to her to self-inseminate using a syringe. The rest is waiting and luck. It may take several attempts. It may not work at all. It helps if the lady's fertile for starters. The good news is that fresh sperm used in this way is generally more fertile than the frozen sperm used by a clinic. This method is also cheaper than using clinics where screening and treatment can cost several £1000s and even the NHS charge. With self-insemination, you just have the costs of the health screens on the man, some plastic sample jars and a reusable syringe! Depending on the arrangement agreed in advance, the man and woman may decide to split even this minimal cost. On the flip side however, the women cannot be 100% sure that, for instance, the fresh sample used is HIV-free since there will be no opportunity to test it after a 6-month incubation period for HIV, as is the case with frozen sperm. Outside a clinic set-up, you are clearly not just the biological father but - equally significantly - you are also the legal father, and as such have financial responsibilities to the child. Note: you would only have been legally exempt if you went through a licensed clinic and signed a form but, as said, that would also waive your right to know or be known by any lady recipient or offspring, and - because you're gay - is forbidden anyway! Normally, the out-of-clinic agreement with the mother over both finance and access is put in writing, perhaps under a legal eye, but it is only really enforceable through good faith and not via the law. It can get very complex however if either party changes its mind along the way. And note that the man cannot legally 'agree away' his responsibility to financially support the child if the mother subsequently decides to push for maintenance payment when she had previously stated she would expect none. Also note that, in the event of your death after the birth, the child is next of kin (unless you were married) and a claim for reasonable financial provision may be made on their behalf.
The best starting point on the web for any gay parent or parent-to-be is at PinkParentsUK which contains advice and articles covering all the main issues, links to other relevant sites and support groups, plus a helpline staffed by people with first-hand experience of gay parenthood. | |