SPEAKING OF AFTERWARDS

Well, if you've had sex with more than a few guys, you know that after-sex behaviour varies from man to man. Recently, a friend of mine was complaining about a friend. "I really like playing with him," he said, "but the second we're done he leaps up to get a damp towel and wipes everything up - me, him, the sheets."

There's the "Thrill of Victory" approach, which usually includes a chuckle of satisfaction at a job well done. "Wow, that was great!" fills the silence, and if it was great, there's a nod of agreement. (Otherwise, there can be a strained moment as the insincerity sinks in.) But sex can make one lose perspective. Saying, "That was the best sex I ever had," is the verbal equivalent of a judges' panel holding up scorecards and quite unnecessary unless trophies are to be awarded. (Of course, if it truly was the best sex you ever had...)

The "Snugglebunny" approach includes stroking and warm kisses, and is generally awfully nice. There's possible trouble, though, once someone breaks the silence. "I love you" is what all of us like to hear, of course, but in the afterglow, talk is cheap. If you've just made it with someone you do truly love - your partner or a steady date - then let him know it. But if the balding man in your arms was nothing more than HotBoyMeat4U in an Internet chat room two hours ago, this sort of romantic ejaculation can lead to subsequent awkwardness. Better you should say "You're really hot!" or "My, you do shoot a lot," or something else on the neutral side of unending passion.

One can go too far in the opposite direction, of course, with the "Prosaic" approach. "So what kind of work do you do?" is okay, exhibiting interest in your partner as a person. "So how much do you pay for your mortgage?" is, however, not something to be asked until at least the second date. And do not ask, "Who's that bloke in the photo?" unless you're ready for the answer, "My boyfriend." And depending on how well you got to know each other beforehand, the question might just have to be, "What was your name again?"

This is one of many reasons to have a steady partner. After sex, you can talk about what's wrong with the dishwasher or what your boss said that drove you up the wall, and the man in bed next to you is obligated to at least appear interested. For this and other reasons, love is grand.

Where casual sex is concerned, a certain amount of dishonesty is to be expected. The "Blunt" approach, therefore, can be refreshing. If the sex was less than stellar, or the two of you were a match made, not in heaven, but in the desperation of last orders, why pretend otherwise? "I've gotta get going. Which socks are mine?" may seem cold, but can actually result in less long-term heartache than an insincere exchange of bogus plans for the future. Let's face it, not every lottery pick is a winner.

If you think you really might call the guy in the foreseeable future, by all means exchange phone numbers. Otherwise, there's really nothing wrong in chalking one up to experience, saying "Thanks, but I don't think my diary will allow a repeat," and shutting the door gently as you leave.

Simon Sheppard

Now here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.