SPEAKING OF COMPROMISE
Sure, we all want Mr. Right in our beds - and in our lives. But finding even the
right trick can be tricky, and for many, the perfect boyfriend seems always out of reach.
Perhaps the solution lies in settling for what's available. "When I first met my boyfriend,"
says one now-satisfied guy, "I wasn't all that swept away. There were plenty of things I liked
about him, but other stuff I didn't. That was 10 years ago, and we've been together ever since."
Brought up as we are on a diet of romantic movies and picture-perfect male models, it's no
wonder that many queer men have high standards. But learning to enjoy what's possible is
not the same as admitting defeat. No one's expecting you to fuck a guy you find unattractive,
but if someone lacks a six-pack, why not be happy with a four-pack instead? You may drool over
eight-inchers, but are you fussy enough to turn up your nose at a nice, hard fiver?
Says an unattached fellow, "When I first started having sex with guys, I was just so
picky. Now…well, it's not that I'm undiscriminating. It's just that I've learned to
find attractive stuff about a whole variety of men. And hey, sometimes it's just
nice to have another warm body in bed next to me."
Long-term relationships, too, work best when both guys are realistic about what's
possible. Life can't be roses and love songs every single day, and no one man is
going to be absolutely everything you want - unless you're even luckier than a
lottery winner. Says the man who's in a 10-year relationship, "The odd thing is that
if you love someone, you value all sorts of odd things about him. Which is not to
say my boyfriend doesn't irritate or disappoint me sometimes. He's only human. But he's mine."
Domestic relationships work best when they're a compromise, but some arrangements - like
who does the laundry - are easier to thrash out than such thorny issues as differing
expectations of monogamy. OK, it's a cliche, but discussion works better than
simmering resentment. And remember, you won't always get your way.
That goes for life between the sheets, too. Everyone has his own sexual needs, and
it's up to each of us to make sure ours are met...within reason. One toppish
leatherman complains, "There are just so many bottom guys out there who have
these very set fantasies and expect you to work your ass off to fulfill them."
But even someone who's not bossy about bondage might be placing unreasonable expectations
on each and every sex act. Sure, sometimes orgasms are mind-blowing, unforgettable,
transcendent moments. But other times, they're just the spilling of seed. And if
you're dating somebody and the sex is often just so-so, you might want to ask yourself
just whose fault that is.
Or, better than assigning blame, focus on the sexy stuff about every carnal contact.
It's not a matter of being pathetic or desperate. It's a highway to happiness. One
observer of the queer scene says, "So many of us are brought up in homophobic
situations that it's small wonder we have mixed feelings about ourselves and
the sex we have. And so, gay guys will subconsciously set themselves up for
emotional and sexual disappointments."
Many men find that they become more open-minded with experience, age, or a couple of drinks. But
it's never too soon to take a realistic look at what you can expect, and learn to
enjoy what you can get. As Mum might say: love yourself, act kindly to others, and
be happy fucking the one you're with.
Want to throw a sex party but have no idea where to begin? Do you want to go to a
sex party but have no idea what to expect? Well in Simon's latest book
Sex Parties 101 just published
he gives you all the answers. Whether you've ever been to a sex party,
or hosted a barbecue-cum-orgy in your backyard, this nuts-and-bolts guide to the ins, outs,
ups, downs, tops, bottoms, and everything (and everyone) in between is a must-have!
Just think--no more boring
Order your copy before the party season starts.
Simon's latest book of gay stories is
In Deep: And Other Stories a new collection of intense erotic
gay fiction. It features a gay vampire story to end all gay vampire stories, a raunchy Western
tale that would have John Wayne riding a little snug in his saddle, and an in-your-face and
up-your-arse retelling of the story of the Garden of Eden (and this time it is all
about Adam and Steve). You can order it online from
Raunch fans will also enjoy
Kinkorama: Dispatches From the Front Lines of Perversion in which he chronicles a first-person exploration of extreme sex from glory holes
and three-ways to stronger scenes like S/M play and leather contests. Simon focuses a clear eye on what
makes us squirm, sweat, and shiver, revealing a host of sometimes shocking, often hilarious,
but always arousing scenarios of all kinds of gay sex. The book is available direct from
ShopGay. For an OutUK interview with Simon click here.
Simon is the co-editor of
Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power and editor of
Hotter Than Hell. You can e-mail him at OutUK.