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SPEAKING OF MAKING YOUR DESIRES KNOWN

"I like to take a dildo up my butt," David said with a sigh, "but I don't know how to suggest it to the men I have sex with, so I often end up playing solo."
Many of us spend precious moments during sex wishing that we could tell the other guy that we'd really, really, really like him to...well, whatever it may be, it's apparently something that's never crossed his mind. How can a guy make his sexual desires known without scaring off, intimidating, or turning off his partner?
Courtesy www.bedfellow.com
It's romantic to believe that, swept up in the heat of passion, the "Man of the Hour" will telepathically read your every desire and suitably respond. Back here in the real world, though, sexual connections can be awkward misadventures where all concerned go home dissatisfied. But David the dildo lover has a few options, as do we all. If sex toys, for instance, are your passion, leaving them within arm's reach on the bedside table will not-so-subtly suggest that you'd like them to be used. If your guest expresses curiosity, try a simple, "It's a dildo. You can shove it up my ass." Sly smile. "Or I can shove it up yours."

Indeed, even in situations without visual aids, a simple verbal cue or two can go far. While there are those who enjoy being bossed around, most of us prefer a more subtle approach. So instead of a making demands, phrasing things in the form of a question can smooth the way. "Hey, I hear some men like to get on all fours and drink from a dog dish. How do you feel about that?" is a guaranteed ice-breaker, whether in your bedroom or at the local Starbuck's. Or try the Generalized Statement, as in, "I like it when hot men like you suck my nipples." And there's also the ever-useful tactic of Command Masquerading As Permission: "You can spank me a lot harder, if you want to. ..." A wistful look helps, too.

If you're not the verbal type, or just disinclined to get into a discussion, wordless communication works as well. Want your dick sucked? Pushing someone's head gently but firmly down to crotch level is a pretty good indicator. A gentle swat on the rear means, "Would you like to get spanked, you naughty boy?" His pushing his butt out and purring says, "Sure would, big fella." See how easy that was?

We don't have a right to sexual satisfaction, of course, but we do have a right to ask for what we think will make us happy. Even so, uncertainty, shame, or fear of being shot down can be roadblocks on the highway of lust. One bondage top points out how complicated things can get. "In my experience," he says, "bottoms can be so far into their own experience that once they've shot their loads, that's it - scene's over. I might not have gotten off yet, but I'm so grateful for the trust they've put in me that I find myself reluctant to demand what should be my reward as the dominant: an orgasm."

In the ideal world of porn videos, the most complex negotiation boils down to "Suck that dick!" But in the real world of sex, a lot more is at stake: self-image, safety, maybe even love. When we can provide, more or less, what the other guy desires (and vice versa), sex can be the best game in town. And though not every trip to the plate will result in a home run, the chances of at least getting to first base are much better if you signal, clearly but politely, just where you want the other player to put his bat.

Simon Sheppard

Meet the man behind this column. Click here for an interview with Simon and news about his newest collection of gay erotic stories

Simon is the co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power (Alyson Books) available from Amazon at 7.99. You can e-mail him here at OutUK or direct.

 

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