It's romantic to believe that, swept up in the heat of passion, the
"Man of
the Hour" will telepathically read your every desire and suitably
respond.
Back here in the real world, though, sexual connections can be awkward
misadventures where all concerned go home dissatisfied. But David the
dildo
lover has a few options, as do we all. If sex toys, for instance, are
your
passion, leaving them within arm's reach on the bedside table will
not-so-subtly suggest that you'd like them to be used. If your guest
expresses curiosity, try a simple, "It's a dildo. You can shove it up
my
ass." Sly smile. "Or I can shove it up yours."
Indeed, even in situations without visual aids, a simple verbal cue or
two
can go far. While there are those who enjoy being bossed around, most
of us
prefer a more subtle approach. So instead of a making demands, phrasing
things in the form of a question can
smooth
the way. "Hey, I hear some men like to get on all fours and drink from
a dog
dish. How do you feel about that?" is a guaranteed ice-breaker, whether
in
your bedroom or at the local Starbuck's. Or try the Generalized
Statement, as
in, "I like it when hot men like you suck my nipples." And there's also
the
ever-useful tactic of Command Masquerading As Permission: "You can
spank me a
lot harder, if you want to. ..." A wistful look helps, too.
If you're not the verbal type, or just disinclined to get into a
discussion,
wordless communication works as well. Want your dick sucked? Pushing
someone's head gently but firmly down to crotch level is a pretty good
indicator. A gentle swat on the rear means, "Would you like to get
spanked,
you naughty boy?" His pushing his butt out and purring says, "Sure
would, big
fella." See how easy that was?
We don't have a right to sexual satisfaction, of course, but we do
have a
right to ask for what we think will make us happy. Even so,
uncertainty,
shame, or fear of being shot down can be roadblocks on the highway of
lust.
One bondage top points out how complicated things can get. "In my
experience," he says, "bottoms can be so far into their own experience
that
once they've shot their loads, that's it - scene's over. I might not
have
gotten off yet, but I'm so grateful for the trust they've put in me
that I
find myself reluctant to demand what should be my reward as the
dominant: an
orgasm."
In the ideal world of porn videos, the most complex negotiation boils
down to
"Suck that dick!" But in the real world of sex, a lot more is at stake:
self-image, safety, maybe even love. When we can provide, more or less,
what
the other guy desires (and vice versa), sex can be the best game in
town. And
though not every trip to the plate will result in a home run, the
chances of
at least getting to first base are much better if you signal, clearly but
politely, just where you want the other player to put his bat.

Simon Sheppard
San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:
Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also
co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and
Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called
Hotter Than Hell.
In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There
are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.
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