SPEAKING OF MAKING YOUR DESIRES KNOWN

Indeed, even in situations without visual aids, a simple verbal cue or two can go far. While there are those who enjoy being bossed around, most of us prefer a more subtle approach. So instead of a making demands, phrasing things in the form of a question can smooth the way. "Hey, I hear some men like to get on all fours and drink from a dog dish. How do you feel about that?" is a guaranteed ice-breaker, whether in your bedroom or at the local Starbuck's. Or try the Generalized Statement, as in, "I like it when hot men like you suck my nipples." And there's also the ever-useful tactic of Command Masquerading As Permission: "You can spank me a lot harder, if you want to. ..." A wistful look helps, too.

If you're not the verbal type, or just disinclined to get into a discussion, wordless communication works as well. Want your dick sucked? Pushing someone's head gently but firmly down to crotch level is a pretty good indicator. A gentle swat on the rear means, "Would you like to get spanked, you naughty boy?" His pushing his butt out and purring says, "Sure would, big fella." See how easy that was?

We don't have a right to sexual satisfaction, of course, but we do have a right to ask for what we think will make us happy. Even so, uncertainty, shame, or fear of being shot down can be roadblocks on the highway of lust. One bondage top points out how complicated things can get. "In my experience," he says, "bottoms can be so far into their own experience that once they've shot their loads, that's it - scene's over. I might not have gotten off yet, but I'm so grateful for the trust they've put in me that I find myself reluctant to demand what should be my reward as the dominant: an orgasm."

In the ideal world of porn videos, the most complex negotiation boils down to "Suck that dick!" But in the real world of sex, a lot more is at stake: self-image, safety, maybe even love. When we can provide, more or less, what the other guy desires (and vice versa), sex can be the best game in town. And though not every trip to the plate will result in a home run, the chances of at least getting to first base are much better if you signal, clearly but politely, just where you want the other player to put his bat.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.