Queer guys aren't mind readers (except, of course, for a homo psychic or two). As much fun as it can be to be surprised during sex, most of the time it's good to know at least a bit about what you're getting yourself into. And that goes double for scenes that are going to get kinky.
That's what preplay negotiation is for: finding out what the other guy wants to do, and letting him know what you're ready, willing, and able to put out. Where hard dicks and hot desires are concerned, that can be tougher than it sounds. How can you let your lust object know your limits without sounding pushy or prudish? And what can you do to make it more likely you'll both eventually get what you want?

Clearly, clarity counts. Whether you're talking to a hunk at a bar or setting things up by e-mail, it's a delicate balance to be definite about what you want without being so businesslike that you scare off Peter Potential. Phrasing things in an "I'd like to" helps. List possibilities rather than make demands.

Don't let your mouth write a cheque your arse can't cash. "When I get real horned up, I like to talk kinkier than I really am," says a 30-ish fellow who's already pretty twisted. "I'll advertise for things that are more extreme than I'd probably want to do, then be relieved when nobody takes me up on my offer."

And don't demand a blow-by-blow account of what's to come. One kinky Daddy confides, "If a bottomboy wants to know every detail of what I'm going to do to him, it makes me suspicious. Often, a guy like that doesn't really intend to play, just to stoke his jerk-off fantasies."

Says another guy who's been around the block, "I think there's a tendency on the part of men to say damn near anything in order to get laid. And that can lead to some serious misunderstandings. Often, a man will tell a prospective partner things that aren't quite true, figuring they'll work things out once they get undressed."

If you don't particularly like to fuck arse, but you really want to get in a total bottom's trousers, how far are you willing to go to please him? And when it comes to kink, expertise counts. Someone looking for an experienced bondage top to put him in full restraints may be disappointed when his "master" turns out to be a newbie who can barely tie his shoelaces. (Agreeing on the use of a safeword - an unlikely-to-be-said-otherwise word that signifies "Stop!" - can help keep things within a kinky bottom's bounds, even during role-playing scenes.)

Yes, honesty is the best policy, but honesty can go too far. It might be wiser to dish out some information on a need-to-know basis. If somebody wants to suck your toes, it's best to let him know ahead of time you have athlete's foot. But if sucking cock, not toes, is on the menu, you might want to not mention it, and just keep your socks on.

When it comes to more serious stuff, like HIV, you definitely should be forthright, but don't depend on the other guy being accurate - some HIV-positive folks don't even know they're infected. Conversely, some barebackers will just assume they're already positive when they're not...yet. Depending on possibly dishonest info can imperil safety: If someone says he's HIV-negative, for instance, how do you know it's true? So use a rubber, OK?

When it comes to nookie, you can always just wing it. Some free spirits insist on it. But whether setting up a safeword or discussing kissing, a preplay chat can not only set the scene, it can get all parties concerned hot and ready to roll. So try talking it out. That's what your mouth is for. Well, one of the things, anyway.

Simon Sheppard
Simon writes every week in OutUK on just about every imaginable aspect of gay sex in Sex Talk.
Indeep - Order Here

Kinkorama - Order Here

Simon's latest book is In Deep: And Other Stories a new collection of intense erotic gay fiction. It features a gay vampire story to end all gay vampire stories, a raunchy Western tale that would have John Wayne riding a little snug in his saddle, and an in-your-face and up-your-arse retelling of the story of the Garden of Eden (and this time it is all about Adam and Steve). You can order it online from Amazon.

Raunch fans will also enjoy Kinkorama: Dispatches From the Front Lines of Perversion in which he chronicles a first-person exploration of extreme sex from glory holes and three-ways to stronger scenes like S/M play and leather contests. Simon focuses a clear eye on what makes us squirm, sweat, and shiver, revealing a host of sometimes shocking, often hilarious, but always arousing scenarios of all kinds of gay sex. The book is available direct from Amazon. For an OutUK interview with Simon click here. Simon is the co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power and editor of Hotter Than Hell. You can e-mail him at OutUK.


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