That's what preplay negotiation is for: finding out what the other guy wants to
do, and letting him know what you're ready, willing, and able to put out. Where
hard dicks and hot desires are concerned, that can be tougher than it sounds. How
can you let your lust object know your limits without sounding pushy or prudish?
And what can you do to make it more likely you'll both eventually get what you want?
Clearly, clarity counts. Whether you're talking to a hunk at a bar or setting things
up by e-mail, it's a delicate balance to be definite about what you want without
being so businesslike that you scare off Peter Potential. Phrasing things in
an "I'd like to" helps. List possibilities rather than make demands.
Don't let your mouth write a cheque your arse can't cash. "When I get real horned up,
I like to talk kinkier than I really am," says a 30-ish fellow who's already pretty
twisted. "I'll advertise for things that are more extreme than I'd probably want
to do, then be relieved when nobody takes me up on my offer."
And don't demand a blow-by-blow account of what's to come. One kinky Daddy confides,
"If a bottomboy wants to know every detail of what I'm going to do to him, it makes
me suspicious. Often, a guy like that doesn't really intend to play, just to stoke
his jerk-off fantasies."
Says another guy who's been around the block, "I think there's a tendency on the
part of men to say damn near anything in order to get laid. And that can
lead to some serious misunderstandings. Often, a man will tell a prospective partner
things that aren't quite true, figuring they'll work things out once they get undressed."
If you don't particularly like to fuck arse, but you really want to get in a total
bottom's trousers, how far are you willing to go to please him? And when it comes to
kink, expertise counts. Someone looking for an experienced bondage top to put him
in full restraints may be disappointed when his "master" turns out to be a newbie
who can barely tie his shoelaces. (Agreeing on the use of a safeword - an
unlikely-to-be-said-otherwise word that signifies "Stop!" - can help keep things within
a kinky bottom's bounds, even during role-playing scenes.)
Yes, honesty is the best policy, but honesty can go too far. It might be wiser to dish
out some information on a need-to-know basis. If somebody wants to suck your toes,
it's best to let him know ahead of time you have athlete's foot. But if sucking cock,
not toes, is on the menu, you might want to not mention it, and just keep your socks on.
When it comes to more serious stuff, like HIV, you definitely should be forthright, but
don't depend on the other guy being accurate - some HIV-positive folks don't even
know they're infected. Conversely, some barebackers will just assume they're already
positive when they're not...yet. Depending on possibly dishonest info can imperil
safety: If someone says he's HIV-negative, for instance, how do you know it's
true? So use a rubber, OK?
When it comes to nookie, you can always just wing it. Some free spirits insist on it.
But whether setting up a safeword or discussing kissing, a preplay chat can not
only set the scene, it can get all parties concerned hot and ready to roll. So
try talking it out. That's what your mouth is for. Well, one of the things, anyway.
Simon writes every week in OutUK on
just about every imaginable aspect of gay sex in Sex Talk.