"My one and only" might be a guiding principle of traditional straight marriage, but over
in the queer community, things can get a lot more complex. Some of the most enduring of
male/male couplings are open relationships, in which sexual exclusivity isn't the
hard and fast rule.
"It's fine with me if my partner goes out and sees another guy, or even finds a
steady fuck buddy, just as long as I know his primary commitment's to me," says
one man who's been with his lover nearly a decade. "I want him to be happy. It's
not that I'm being noble and self-sacrificing. Honestly, it takes some of the
pressure off me."
|
|
Multipartner arrangements may have more to do with being male than with being
queer. "Face it," says one observer of queer mating rituals. "The male of the
species is, evolutionarily speaking, designed to be a slut. And I think that many
married het guys, freed of the duties of child-rearing and the expectations of
society, would be perfectly happy to be in open relationships. Hell, plenty of
them already cheat on their wives."
It's the absence of "cheating" that distinguishes truly open relationships: Partners
are expected to be honest about who they go off with. More or less.
There are plenty of variations on the open relationship, from the marginally
honest "Oh, I'm sure he knows I'm running around," to households where Tom agreeably
goes out for the evening so Harry can invite someone over. Some men are more comfortable with
an agreed-upon "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement, while others insist that every
straying be negotiated in advance. There are twosomes that only go beyond coupledom
when they invite someone over for a three-way.
While some couples decide to be open from the first, there are plenty that evolve
into nonmonogamy as the men become more comfortable - or sexually bored - with one
another. And for men who love each other but whose erotic predilections are mismatched,
polyamory can be the ticket to fulfilling sexual adventures; not everybody likes to
be spanked.
One man who just started exploring polyamory with his honey says, "We have a rule that
we only see other guys once, no repeat tricking. So for now, I prefer to play with men
who are in open relationships themselves. That way, there's less drama and fewer
expectations all around."
Indeed, it's the precarious position of "the other man" that leads many single guys to
turn down the overtures of men in all relationships, no matter how open
they may be. And some fellows are just one-man men. "When I'm involved with somebody,
he's all the world to me," says one of them, "and I expect the same from him."
Yes, nonmonogamy can be perilous: The intensity of good extracurricular sex can
put a strain on what happens back home. There's also the danger, of course, of
bringing home an STD or two; caution is never out of place. Still, as the fellow
in the decade-long open relationship says, "I love my partner, but I don't want
to own him. Maybe I'm being overconfident, but I feel that if my boyfriend leaves
me, it's because he's unhappy with me, not because he's happier with someone else."
To those of us struggling to simply find a date we'll want to talk to in the
morning, the debate over open relationships can seem like a luxury, but it
deals with the basics of emotional life. Is nonmonogamy brave and generous, or
greedy and unfeeling? Either way, for each couple that's successfully doing the
my-one-and-only thing, there's at least one other operating under the assumption
that boys will be (and do) boys. So be honest - and careful - out there.
Simon Sheppard
Now here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:
Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also
co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and
Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called
Hotter Than Hell.
In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There
are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.
|