SPEAKING OF SHAME
Conflicted about cock?
If the Bible is to be believed, the very beginnings of human
culture were rooted in sexual shame, when those disobedient scamps Adam and Eve first
noticed they were naked. And - some would say - things haven't much improved since
then. For all the flaunting of sexuality prevalent in some parts of the world, many
of us still harbour the nagging feeling that we should be embarrassed about what's up below the belt.
As one cultural commentator argues, "Sure, restraint and consideration are good things. But
sexual shame is just a thoroughly useless emotion."
Most of us have had to grow up navigating the shoals of mixed messages regarding sexuality.
Our commentator continues, "Though contemporary liberal civilization says it approves
of sexual expression, it's usually only OK within the bounds of something or other, and
what somebody's supposedly permitted to feel is constantly shifting. Modern parents
may tell their children that genitals are nothing to be ashamed of, but the kids
are also told to keep their pee-pees properly hidden."
Things get even more dick-deflatingly confounding when homophobia is added to the
mix. Many queers don't just feel fucked up about sex, but about their sexual
orientation as well. Though things in great swathes of the world are improving,
the legacy of internalised homophobia still has the power to shame, even if
it's at a subconscious level. "There's nothing worse than being told your deepest
desires are wrong," says one gay guy. "It can distort your entire life."
Some aspects of archetypal "gay life" can cause sex-related shame, too. Many of
us are ashamed of our bodies. We feel we are not hunky enough, are too hairy,
have a too-small dick, or whatever. And self-consciousness over other things -
less-than-fashionable clothes, social awkwardness, or sexual inexperience - can
turn cruising into an embarrassing mess. As our gay observer points out, "Yes,
we came out in order to overcome our negative feelings about ourselves. But many
of us landed in gay communities that are unnecessarily competitive and judgmental,
and so we ended up with a whole new set of perceived inadequacies."
Then, too, a bunch of us harbour fantasies that make us at least a teensy bit uneasy.
But rest assured: Whatever perversion may be near and dear to you, somebody else
has had that desire before. A whole bunch of somebodies, in fact. And if you
choose to act upon your yen, as long as it's done safely and consensually, it's
nothing to be ashamed of. Deliciously, though, some kinky scenes, such as verbal
abuse or humiliation play, transform those negative feelings into sex toys.
"Sometimes a nonjudgmental, anything-goes attitude can take the fun out of
down-and-dirty sex," grouses one kink fan. "If I dress a guy up in panties and
bra, I want to insult him and tell him he should feel ashamed of himself. It's
part of the pleasure...for both of us."
Of course, there are sexual misbehaviours one might justifiably regret.
Though many of us aren't hung up about nonmonogamy, there's still plenty of
bed-based misconduct with the power to wound. It's bad to lie to your boyfriend,
and anyone who knowingly gives someone an STD should certainly hang his head.
Wanting to fuck another guy shouldn't be a cause for regret, but being willing to
harm him is quite another matter.
Sure, conflicts over sex run deep. But hey, are you feeling ashamed just because
you want to suck cock? Dude, drop the guilt and open your gullet wide.
Want to throw a sex party but have no idea where to begin? Do you want to go to a
sex party but have no idea what to expect? Well in Simon's latest book
Sex Parties 101 just published
he gives you all the answers. Whether you've ever been to a sex party,
or hosted a barbecue-cum-orgy in your backyard, this nuts-and-bolts guide to the ins, outs,
ups, downs, tops, bottoms, and everything (and everyone) in between is a must-have!
Just think--no more boring
Order your copy before the party season starts.
Simon's latest book of gay stories is
In Deep: And Other Stories a new collection of intense erotic
gay fiction. It features a gay vampire story to end all gay vampire stories, a raunchy Western
tale that would have John Wayne riding a little snug in his saddle, and an in-your-face and
up-your-arse retelling of the story of the Garden of Eden (and this time it is all
about Adam and Steve). You can order it online from
Raunch fans will also enjoy
Kinkorama: Dispatches From the Front Lines of Perversion in which he chronicles a first-person exploration of extreme sex from glory holes
and three-ways to stronger scenes like S/M play and leather contests. Simon focuses a clear eye on what
makes us squirm, sweat, and shiver, revealing a host of sometimes shocking, often hilarious,
but always arousing scenarios of all kinds of gay sex. The book is available direct from
ShopGay. For an OutUK interview with Simon click here.
Simon is the co-editor of
Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power and editor of
Hotter Than Hell. You can e-mail him at OutUK.