SPEAKING OF SHAME | |
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Conflicted about cock?
If the Bible is to be believed, the very beginnings of human culture were rooted in sexual shame, when those disobedient scamps Adam and Eve first noticed they were naked. And - some would say - things haven't much improved since then. For all the flaunting of sexuality prevalent in some parts of the world, many of us still harbour the nagging feeling that we should be embarrassed about what's up below the belt. | |
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As one cultural commentator argues, "Sure, restraint and consideration are good things. But
sexual shame is just a thoroughly useless emotion."
Most of us have had to grow up navigating the shoals of mixed messages regarding sexuality. Our commentator continues, "Though contemporary liberal civilization says it approves of sexual expression, it's usually only OK within the bounds of something or other, and what somebody's supposedly permitted to feel is constantly shifting. Modern parents may tell their children that genitals are nothing to be ashamed of, but the kids are also told to keep their pee-pees properly hidden." |
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| Things get even more dick-deflatingly confounding when homophobia is added to the mix. Many queers don't just feel fucked up about sex, but about their sexual orientation as well. Though things in great swathes of the world are improving, the legacy of internalised homophobia still has the power to shame, even if it's at a subconscious level. "There's nothing worse than being told your deepest desires are wrong," says one gay guy. "It can distort your entire life." |
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Some aspects of archetypal "gay life" can cause sex-related shame, too. Many of
us are ashamed of our bodies. We feel we are not hunky enough, are too hairy,
have a too-small dick, or whatever. And self-consciousness over other things -
less-than-fashionable clothes, social awkwardness, or sexual inexperience - can
turn cruising into an embarrassing mess. As our gay observer points out, "Yes,
we came out in order to overcome our negative feelings about ourselves. But many
of us landed in gay communities that are unnecessarily competitive and judgmental,
and so we ended up with a whole new set of perceived inadequacies."
Then, too, a bunch of us harbour fantasies that make us at least a teensy bit uneasy. But rest assured: Whatever perversion may be near and dear to you, somebody else has had that desire before. A whole bunch of somebodies, in fact. And if you choose to act upon your yen, as long as it's done safely and consensually, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Deliciously, though, some kinky scenes, such as verbal abuse or humiliation play, transform those negative feelings into sex toys. "Sometimes a nonjudgmental, anything-goes attitude can take the fun out of down-and-dirty sex," grouses one kink fan. "If I dress a guy up in panties and bra, I want to insult him and tell him he should feel ashamed of himself. It's part of the pleasure...for both of us." Of course, there are sexual misbehaviours one might justifiably regret. Though many of us aren't hung up about nonmonogamy, there's still plenty of bed-based misconduct with the power to wound. It's bad to lie to your boyfriend, and anyone who knowingly gives someone an STD should certainly hang his head. Wanting to fuck another guy shouldn't be a cause for regret, but being willing to harm him is quite another matter. Sure, conflicts over sex run deep. But hey, are you feeling ashamed just because you want to suck cock? Dude, drop the guilt and open your gullet wide.
Simon SheppardSan Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:
Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell. In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines. |
