This Week - First times, Fancying friends and Guilty affairs

Sean asks: Hey James....I am an 18 year old college boy and I want to have my first gay sex with another guy. But, I don't know how to find a sex partner and I am worried about HIV. Why do people get HIV if two guys have sex? I really am horny and want to have sex...on the other hand, I do not know where to start...help!!!

James says: Hi Sean, well you can meet guys for sex many different ways. You could try going to a gay bar or club - there you will often meet other guys who would like to spend the night with you. If you want to go in at the deep end you could try going to somewhere which is more exclusively for sex like a gay sauna.

Other than that you could try going online and meeting someone there - there are loads of sites, including OutUK which have gay profiles on them, and they are a good way of getting together with other guys. You do need to make sure that if you meet anyone off the net you do so in a public place, and make it clear that it's only for a drink and a chat.

You need to work out what you want or expect from your first sexual experience! If you think you would like something quick just to get it over and done with then a sauna would be perfect - if you want something more romantic and memorable then it may take a bit more planning! Many guys start by meeting someone in a bar or club, and getting to know them first.

As for catching HIV, well it doesn't just happen when two guys have sex - it happens when someone who is infected with HIV transmits it to someone else either through their cum or blood. This is why you can catch HIV through having sex without condoms or by sharing needles. So if you have sex with another guy then make sure you use a condom and plenty of lube.

It sounds as though you need to get some advice or help from a health professional or experienced gay friend. If you don't think there's naturally anyone in your life you can turn to, there are many organisations who could offer you advice. Click on the yellow section of OutUK, OutReach, and then choose Youth. There's listings there for a number of excellent organisations and articles that you should definitely read.

Plan what you want to do, and make sure you have everything in place before you do anything. Just remember to be careful when meeting someone for the first time and never agree to do anything that you are uncomfortable with.

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Marky Mark asks: I have this friend and I'm sure he is homosexual. I sorta have an attraction to him. What would be the best approach to find out if he is gay???

James replies: Well you could ask him! Or if you think this would not be appropriate then try testing him with a few questions about girls, boys, which bars he goes too, which clubs he likes... and judge by his reactions how to steer the conversation.

After that you could mention that you went to a club the other week that was gay and tell him about it and see how he reacts to that as well. In my experience most gay guys faced with questions like this just tend to come out and say, particularly if they like you, so it should be fairly easy to judge from his reaction.


If you find out he is straight then just leave it and be happy that not all your friends are gay - it's good to be able to mix in society and have a wide circle of friends who don't all have to be gay, believe it or not - plus think how refreshing it is to have friends that you don't sleep with!

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Ken asks: I am a married guy and happy in my life with my wife and kids. For the past couple of years I have been having sex with guys, initially just handjobs, but then blowjobs and now full sex. I don't want to give up either part of my life (the straight bit or the gay bit) but I am feeling guilty to all concerned, as I don't tell anyone the truth any more. How do I cope with the guilt and where do I go from here?

James answers: Well this is a tricky one. Yes, there are men who are attracted to both women and men and often men who have bisexual tendencies but are married will have sex with men in secret. This is quite common, but it is how you deal with it that is more difficult.

Most men who are married don't tell their wives as they feel that they would not react in a positive way if they were to be told. In fact it really depends on the individual, as some people who have found out that their partner is bisexual have also then been able to admit their feelings for others too, and this can lead to them having a much more open sexual relationship. A wife can quite often know long before her husband tells her that something else is occurring in the marriage.

However, not everyone is going to react well to finding out that their partner is having sex with someone else, let alone someone of the same gender. It is something to be judged very carefully. If you suspect that it would not be reacted to very well then it is best not to mention it. Try and find out if anyone else you know is bisexual - if not, try and find an internet buddy who is bisexual and chat with him - the sex chatrooms are great for this.

Talking to someone with the same feelings as you will help a lot and will reassure you as well. You will also begin to realise how many other men are in the same position as you and that will help too! You might also think about going to a counsellor to chat over your feelings. If you feel you can, then ask your doctor to arrange for you talk to a NHS therapist, or think about finding a private counsellor.

One thing you should try and do is keep it all in proportion - try not to have sex with guys too often otherwise it could become almost like an addiction and take over, and make sure that you have safe sex at all times.

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