This Week - Coming out, Getting sex licked and Gaining weight

James asks James: I am 18 and haven't came out yet. I'm so scared. My friends still think I'm straight but I know I'm not. I sleep with girls (sometimes) to let my friends know I'm still active but recently when I was ready to have sex with a girl I just couldn't get a hard on. I was so embarassed. I thought to myself I really want to meet a man. So I'm on the internet trying to start off. I need your help on two things, how to meet a man (because I have have no gay friends or even know any gay people) and how to come out to my family and friends. I know you must get a lot of these kind of questions so can you help me please.

James says: Hi James, well as you've already realised, coming out is not always the easiest of things to achieve, and so inevitably guys do it in a variety of ways.

Many guys do not come out immediately and instead start having gay experiences first, and only when they are comfortable with themselves do they then come out. Others choose to come out to their family and/or friends first and then start looking to have gay experiences.

The former is good if you are unsure as to what the reaction of those closest to you will be, the latter is better if you think those people will help and support you. The good thing is that more often than not nowadays it is easier for a guy to come out and be accepted by those around them.

Firstly there is a lot of support around for gay guys that was never really available a few years ago. This advice column, and this website are two good examples of that. Secondly a lot of younger guys have come out already, so it is easier to find other gay guys in your area and build up friendships and relationships. Thirdly gays are much more high profile in the media and on tv and this has made gay life more common and acceptable to a lot of communities - most people know someone who is gay now and this has helped a lot. Fourthly, gay guys have a lot more standing now legally in the UK - ok, we don't have gay marriage yet and there are a few other issues that need to be dealt with, but overall the situation for gays is now much better, and coming out is easier now and more widely accepted than it used to be.

Coming out to your family and friends is a choice you have to make - how do you think they would react? Are there many gay people where you live? Find out on the internet where the local gay bars are. Pick up the free gay magazines there and check the listings for any gay support groups for guys who are coming out. Bars can also be a good place to meet other guys. You can also try chatting to people online - just be careful if you meet a guy off the internet - arrange to meet in a bar or busy place first until you are sure they are who they really say they are!

As you don't know anyone who is gay it will be much easier for you if you can meet some other gays first and become friends with them - then you will have other people who have experienced this to talk to, and they can offer you advice and help you through it.

OutUK's OutThere section has many contact numbers listed under SEXUALITY. Click on the yellow section and follow the links. Also, don't forget about Gay Switchboard as well. It's manned by gay men who are trained volunteers many of whom will be used to dealing with your situation. The London Switchboard is 020 7837 7324, there are many others around the UK.

Most of all, don't be scared! Just accept that this is something that is part of your life and think about how fantastic life will be when you are living the way you really want to. And remember that there are so many guys who have already done what you are about to do, and loads of other guys who are thinking about it too, so you are never alone :-)

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Alan's question: I've only really been out a few months now, and went to a sauna last weekend for the first time ever. This guy I met ended up licking me around my arse. I've never had anyone do that to me before, but I'd quite like to do it to someone else or get them to do it to me. Is it safe? and what should I be doing to enjoy it the most?

James replies: Alan, when you lick ass it is called Rimming, and it's a very enjoyable part of gay sex for a lot of guys. It is quite an intimate experience for both concerned, so not all guys like it.

Often you will find that only a bottom guy will enjoy being rimmed although some tops also enjoy it but won't then get fucked. It can also depend upon the guy you are with - some guys will only rim when they are with someone who they really care about.

The good news about rimming is that there have been no reported cases of catching HIV from rimming so far, so it is considered low risk particularly as there is no significant passing of bodily fluids. However, Hepatitis A and B are both easily caught through rimming and Hepatitis is a serious disease. For this reason it is absolutely essential if you intend to engage in this type of sex to get your Hep A & B vaccinations sorted before you start. Several injections may be needed and you'll need boosters after a few years to keep up your immunity but these precautions will keep you safe from severe liver damage brought on by a bout of Hepatitis.

Gonorrhea, Herpes and Syphilis are other diseases you risk with rimming. In addition, you might just pick up giardia or amoebic dysentery, depending on who you rim and what he’s got. Your bowel or arse has lots of bacteria in it which help with the absorption of foodstuffs etc. Different people have slightly different bacteria. So, if you stick your tongue up another man’s arse, there’s a good chance you’ll end up with a tummy upset yourself, just because you’re not used to his bugs. This doesn’t always mean that you’ve picked up a sexually transmitted infection and it should usually pass in a few days. These infections are not serious but you'll be off colour for a few days.

It is therefore important that the guy who is being rimmed is clean before you start. He should also be careful with douching as this can cause tiny cuts in the anal lining. If you are concerned about catching diseases from rimming then you can buy a dental dam from a sex shop or try cutting off the top of a condom and spliting it down the side - both act as a barrier and prevent any diseases being passed on.

Having your ass licked can be highly erotic and sensual. Taking it slowly will heighten these feelings - licking and kissing around the ass first, using the flat of your tongue, using your lips and using the tip of your tongue in various ways will make the experience more erotic before finally going for the actual insertion of your tongue into the ass.

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Ben says: I'm not fat in the least, in fact people often comment on my nicely toned body. However I'm just turning 30 and my gorgeous boyfriend is 25, and as is normal with ageing I have a small layer of fat around my waist... you can still see my 6 pack but when I sit down I get a crease and a little roll below my belly button. The bf has practically no fat on him and I've started to get insecure about it. I know it's stupid and it's not like an eating disorder issue, but I just really want to lose that little bit of fat that no matter how much I exercise and how healthily and little I eat it just won't seem to go... Before I resort to liposuction what else can I try!!!

James answers: Hey well a little bit of 'fat' around your waist when you are 30 hardly warrants liposuction or indicates an eating disorder!

Your body will change with age and the advice would be the same for most people, namely eat a balanced diet, exercise every day, and keep healthy and active!

With ageing, fat tissues do tend to get deposited around the middle of the body and also lean body mass decreases. You say that you exercise and eat healthily so it would seem that the extra fat that you mention would be due to the changes in body fat composition so it will be harder for you to lose the weight you want to, compared to when you were younger.

Look at your diet carefully - it should be based on low calorie, complex carbohydrate sources for energy with adequate protein to replace what may have been used when you are working out. As for exercise a lot of people agree that although cardio will help, alone this will never result in significant weight loss for the specific area around the stomach. Abdominal twists and crunches should help but you need to do a lot.

There is a lot of debate about how to lose weight, especially in localised areas such as around the stomach. In theory you should be burning more calories than you consume to lose weight by maintaining or improving your diet, doing regular cardio workouts and then using crunches to define and tone the area.

This is something that at some time in everyone's lives will affect them, so as long as it doesn't make you feel very unhappy try not to worry too much about it. Try analysing your diet and exercise regime and talk to your partner about how you feel as well. Maybe it doesn't bother him or he hasn't even noticed, as often we notice things about ourselves much more than others do, as our minds have the ability to make everything seem much worse than it really is!

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