James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Older Men, Getting a snip and Not getting crabs
Steve wants fatherly advice: Hi I'm 22 and I am predominantly attracted to older men sexually. Most of the guys I like are in their 40's. They are much better at sex - they know what they want, and they satisfy all my needs, and they tend to be very kind and generous to me. Young guys just don't, they are more selfish and frankly nothing like as experienced in sex. My friends think all I want is a Sugar Daddy, and make fun of me all the time. Am I wrong to enjoy the attentions of older men?
James says: Hi Steve, you know you shouldn't worry about what your friends tell you but try and live a life that makes YOU happy!
If you find going out with older guys gives you what you want and leads to a more satisfying and fulfilled life then you should go with that and not worry too much about what other guys say! Be happy and confident with the choices you make in life. Why not try and explain to your friends why you make those choices if they are different from what they expect so that they can understand you a bit more.
You are right, guys in their 40's and 50's have lots to offer, age is not a barrier to sexyness, and it's a good thing that you can recognise that in some of the people you have met. Experience in life and in sex too is a great benefit to have, so it's no wonder you find some of the people you've been going out with very attractive. I know of loads of young guys who prefer the sophistication of men in their 40's and 50's and many of their partners are sexy gorgeous men - so I say make the most of it!
Just stop worrying, and enjoy. And tell your friends to back off!!
James has a snip of a question: Hi James - I really love your column. My friend thinks I should have my dick circumcised. Another friend disagrees, saying when he was twenty he had his removed and that sex no longer gives him such a strong sensation. Should I have it chopped or not? I am 19 years old.
James replies: Hi there! A lot of guys who have been circumcised do say that it leads to a loss of sensation and that sex is not always as enjoyable.
Why are you thinking about being circumsised? Normally this would only be a decision to be taken if you had problems with your foreskin, such as if it was too tight or was causing you pain. You should check with a doctor about this as if there is nothing wrong with your foreskin and if it doesn't cause you problems then there would be no reason for you to be circumsised.
The most important thing if you have a foreskin is to keep it clean and healthy by pulling it back when you shower and clean it. Make sure you don't use shower gel though as this is too harsh and can remove the healthy bacteria that exisits beneath the foreskin.
By the time you've reached your late teens or twenties this operation can be very painful, and prevent you having any sex (including a wank) for 5 or 6 weeks. Why on earth would you want this operation if you don't need to have it. I think you have to be very sure of your motives here, and if you are unsure then leave well alone.
Ian is feeling crabby: Help!!! I have crabs and can not get rid of them. I noticed the infestation about four months ago and immediately bought the lice killing shampoo, etc. I used it as directed, did a second use in 7-10 days, combed out the hair, and washed my sheets/towels/clothes in hot water. But they're still they are coming back. I haven't had ANY relations with anyone since I noticed them so I must be reinfecting myself. What gives and what do I do? ANY suggestions would be helpful.
James answers: Hi Ian, crabs are very common and are easy to catch but they are not nice to have and can cause a lot of discomfort.
They are not so difficult to get rid of but you need to follow the correct procedure. First you need to get the right shampoo which is one that contains malathion such as Derbac-M. You should apply the lotion to the entire skin surface and pay particular attention to all hairy areas including beards and moustaches, however you must avoid any other areas above the neck.
The instructions say to leave on for at least one hour before washing but the best way is to leave it on overnight. In the morning wash off in the shower and then immediately wash all your bedding and the clothes you have been wearing recently. All of them including pullovers, jackets and trousers. Make sure you wash them on a hot wash and tumble dry them on high and any clothes that can't be washed should be dry cleaned or placed in a closed bag and left for some days to allow the crabs to die. That's less effective than the washing or dry cleaning, so beware.
You then need to repeat this after 7 days to make sure all the eggs have been killed. What you should remember is that it can take up to 7 days for the itchiness to go even after the treatment so you may still think you have them when you are in fact getting to grips with it.
If none of this works then you really do need to visit your STD clinic and seek further advice. Don't however just do nothing - this is a nasty problem that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.