James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Tight arsed, Eating cum and Loads of love but no sex
Rhys slides in this: There's one guy I meet now and then who I would really like to get into. The trouble is, how to get his arse to relax for me. No matter how much I play and tease it, his sphincter remains tight. I have managed to get a finger in and even massage his prostate which he adores but even with my dick like a rod of iron his ring won't give way. He says he wants me to fuck him but now I am wondering if it is all cock teasing and just a way of geting me to roll over and stick my arse in the air instead, which is something neither of us have a problem with. I can relax, so why does he remain such a tight arse?
James says: What a beautifully worded question!
Believe it or not, some gay guys don't actually have much experience of being fucked and even if they say they want to be fucked, or seem to indicate that's what they want, when it actually comes down to the point when it's going to happen they tighten up, can't seem to relax and then anal sex becomes pretty much impossible.
There is a strong link between being physically able to be fucked and seriously wanting it to happen in your mind. It is very easy to tighten your anal muscles by thinking about it and actually preventing pretty much anyone from being able to fuck you, unless they were to force entry into you and virtually rape you. So the key here is not about being able to finger him, although of course this does help and is an important part of getting him ready for anal sex, but really it's about needing to work much more on his mind!
He needs to really want you inside of him and he needs to want you so badly that his mind tells him that it is time for him to just open up like a flower for you! I definitely don't think he is teasing you and I wouldn't say that he doesn't want to be fucked either as most gay guys enjoy it when it is with the right guy at the right time. It could just be that now is the wrong time, or within his life cycle he is just not ready to be fucked yet, or it could also be that he is just not ready to be fucked by you as he doesn't feel it's quite right to open up and allow you inside.
Some guys are a lot more passive than others but that doesn't mean that if a guy is a top he will never be fucked - it is all to do with who he's with and where and when. It is really important to make sure that you take it easy and give him loads of reassurance, love and attention. When it comes to the deed itself make sure you are using loads of lube for fingering and fucking and taking it slowly too. A lot of guys are really bad at this, and try just ramming their dick in as hard as they can, and even before it is in you just know that it is not going to be the most comfortable experience! It is important to show the guy you are going to fuck that you know what you are doing, but that he is also in some sort of control.
A really great way to do this is to put your dick slightly inside his ass and then let him control the rest of the penetration with you doing nothing. That way he has the upper hand and he can move your dick in and out as fast or slow as he wants and can stop the second it is not comfortable. Things often start to go wrong the moment a guy who is not used to being bottom starts to tense up, stops relaxing, and then forces you to stop as it's really painful. You can avoid this by putting the onus on him.
Particularly with a guy who's new to bottoming you should take it slowly and pass over a lot of the control to him and you'll find things may get a lot easier. Suggesting he sits on top of you is a good idea. It's the best position for new bottoms although it is one of the least exciting postions for the top as he has so little control. Take it from me, he'll quickly get bored with it and the two of you will soon want to try some other positions far more exciting and enjoyable.
Dynamike asks: Is it normal to like to eat your own cum.
Johnny also needs to know: I am just wondering if I like the taste of my own cum am I gay? I don't feel attracted to guys and love sex with girls, but is it good for you to eat your own cum ??? Will it turn me gay?
James replies: Hi there, apart from my own preferences which actually have nothing to do with this question, I do know that some guys like to eat their own cum ... whereas lots of others would find it a pretty gross idea!
It would be difficult to say whether it was normal or not, but then what is a definition of normal? Is it normal to get fisted? I don't personally like fisting but I know a lot of guys who do, so is that normal? Is it normal to rim, or fuck or fantastise about guys, or wear leather, or for men to want to dress as women .... It's a ridiculous question, whether anything in life is normal or not.
Well, as for eating your own cum and turning gay! I think we should add this to the bank of old wives tales along with all the other classics such as wanking too much makes you blind! There's absolutely no scientific evidence about this and to be honest I doubt that there are any scientists who would even consider wasting their time on such a crap piece of research!
At the end of the day being gay, bisexual or straight is something that comes naturally to each and every individual and it is certainly not influenced by something so basic as eating your own cum. Sexuality is not a black and white single issue. People can alter their sexuality during their life, be more straight, more bisexual or more gay depending on their circumstances at the time.
With you posting a question on a gay website I wonder whether you have some feelings towards boys that you have so far been hiding from? These issues are important to explore and most guys whether straight or gay may have often played and jerked off with their friends. Quite frankly that sort of experience just doesn't make you gay! It is important for you not to be afraid of gay issues in your life and to see them as being every bit a part of you, and every bit a part of everything else in your life that makes you the person that you are.
Be sure of one thing though. Eating your own cum won't make you gay just as wanking too much won't make you blind either!
Orin UK also needs some advice: Dear James, I will have been in my current relationship for 4 years in October of this year. My partner is very caring, devoted, balanced, rational and all the other things I crave in a partner. However for the last 2 years our sex life has reduced to a mere trickle. I cannot understand why! I have tried every which way I can to entice intimacy... I have tried coaxing, subtle reassurance, patience, patience and more patience. We have discussed it over and over and over. Time and time again. My partner just has no interest whatsoever. He admits it and promises to try harder to be interested but nothing ever changes. I'm at my wits end... I used to have a very active sex life before I met my partner but now all I can think about is how I'm rapidly getting through life without enjoying it! I'm 32 this year and wonder whether I should call it all off... We have a house together, both of us have invested a lot of money but we might as well just be house mates!!! Just lately I have started to notice other guys... I haven't done anything - I have been cheated on before and could never do it, but I can now fully appreciate how it happens!!! Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. Without intimacy there's no relationship other than friendship is there?
James answers: Hi there, yes this is a difficult situation and unfortunately is it one that is not so uncommon. The initial lust that you both had for each other does die after a while but what is important to realise is that after that comes true love and that is what will keep you together if you both want it to.
Sex is not always the ruling factor in a relationship although a lot of gay guys do put it in an elevated position and the minute their sex life starts to deteriorate they get out! Being in a relationship is all about sharing your life with the one you love, and being with someone who is always your best friend. You do need to be able to have a good sex life as well, as no sex at all is not good. Sex is a very healthy and normal part of life and it keeps you young and feeling happy!
After a few years you shouldn't expect to be swinging from the chandelier every night but there should still be some spark between you both. For some couples sex remains as good as it was for them on the first day after many many years and for others it dies very fast. Does your partner want to have sex with you or does he say he doesn't want to have sex at all? The latter would not be so good, and if that was the case there maybe an underlying problem in the relationship such as stress or anxiety?
Do you think that he is having sex with other guys without your knowledge? Maybe that is why he doesn't want to have sex with you as it is more exciting to play away. It is hard to accept this but it is a fact that the first time you have sex with someone new it is often very exciting. It's why a lot of couples try to introduce other ideas into their sex lives - new positions, new toys, porn movies, new locations, new experiences and sometimes extra lovers! A lot of couples also successfully have open relationships where they set the rules about what they are allowed to do with other guys and what they can't. This can often provide the new sexual stimulae they are both looking for whilst wanting to stay together.
It can be very important in some relationships to try new things and with some open and frank discussion you can set the rules that both of you keep to so that it works. Different couples set different rules but some that can work include:
no sleeping over at his place
only having 3-somes i.e. you two and another guy!
only going to saunas together
no meeting the same guy more than once
You also said that he has promised he would try harder. This is slightly worrying as you can't really 'try harder' to have sex. Sex is something that is inside you, it is a feeling and an emotion that shows itself when the time is right. If he has no interest whatsoever as you state, maybe you should consider going to a clinic for some sexual therapy or advice.
If you think he is lying to you, and having other sex on the side, then you really need to confront him about this for the sake of your relationship. All this doesn't mean your relationship together is at an end but it does mean that you both have to put in some serious work to make it once again something special that's worthwhile for you both. At the end of the day that is what a good relationship is all about - two people putting in a lot of effort to be together! When it works it's more than worth it. Good luck!