This Week - My friend's father, Straight love and Haemorrhoid hell

Nick asks: Hey James, I'm 17 years old and I've been having sex with my friend's dad for 2 months now, he's 38 years old and he's gorgeous but he's married. We have the most passionate sex all over his house and we've been to hotels and even had a quickie at mine too. I'm so scared that someone will find out soon and I think I'm falling for him. I tried to explain this to him and he said he felt things for me too, but that we can't tell anyone. I really don't want to end it with him, but I don't know what to do.

James says: Hi Nick, well there isn't actually much you can do in this kind of situation really, as there don't appear to be too many options open to you.

Your friend's dad obviously likes having sex with you as much as you enjoy having sex with him but at the end of the day he is married and he has already made it clear to you that he doesn't want anyone to find out and that it should remain a secret. The situation is made slightly more complicated by the fact that you are now falling for him and he has also admitted that he has feelings for you too, but this is only normal when you share intimate experiences with someone over a considerable period of time.

I sense that maybe you haven't had that many relationships in your life, maybe even that he is your first. If this is so, it does explain your intense feelings for him. You need to understand that you'll meet many other people in your life and have those same, or even more intense feelings for those new people too. This man is unlikely to be the only person you ever fall for.

There are only two real options open to you at this point. One is to continue with the current situation and to enjoy it for what it is, without letting your feelings and emotions get in the way. You can't fall in love with him, you can however be good friends and enjoy your time together.

Otherwise, if you think that you are falling too badly for him and it will get all too difficult and painful, then you will have to take the difficult decision not to see him again. You'll need to keep a distance for a period of time (3 or 6 months), and try to see other people, even if your new relationships aren’t as intense as this one is at the moment.

Whatever way you choose you will still need to keep this relationship secret unless you both want to deal with the possible repercussions that would arise if anyone found out. You could end up wrecking his family, his life, the life of his wife, his son (who's your friend) and anyone else who's in the family. You therefore need to be very discreet.

You can not afford to make sudden unpredictable decisions on this, and you should think carefully as to what to do both for your own happiness and state of mind, and everyone else’s. Good luck!

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Jez asks: I have a straight friend. He is quite muscular and good looking. We went out and he got very drunk. So drunk that I had to take him back to my place. I took his shirt and jeans off so he could sleep. I could not help but have a peep in his boxers. I touched his penis and he began to get hard and throb. Anyway I ended up in bed with him and giving him a oral. Later the next day I met him and he did not recall anything except that he really had a good time and said we should go out again. I am tempted and I hope he gets drunk again so that I can be with him again. I feel guilty but at the same time I really want him even though he is straight. What should I do?

James replies: Well this is not as uncommon as you may think. There are a lot of straight guys who have found themselves getting drunk and ended up getting off with gay guys. What you need to realise is that this is purely a sexual act here, made stronger by the alcohol, and that he was purely reacting on his sexual instincts.

How much he remembers of the experience you do not know, and it is highly unlikely that he will tell you. You may actually find that he did know quite a bit about what was going on, but as he didn't want to admit to getting off with a gay guy it was easier to pretend to be so drunk he didn't remember. It would not be very wise to confront him about this as he would probably refute the fact that he knew what you were doing, and he may even get angry with you. He could accuse you of taking advantage of him when he was drunk. If he truly didn’t know what he was doing, he’d have a point.

You could go out with him again if you wanted to and then after a few drinks you could try asking him a few questions about sex and see what his answers are. By asking the right questions you could judge his attitudes to getting off with other guys and see how he reacts. Try and find out if he is generally supportive of gay lifestyles, and whether he knows about yours and is quite inquisitive as to what you get up to.

Don't be too obvious, and take things slowly. If you are clever you can see how open minded he is and whether what happened between you was entirely down to him being very drunk or whether he was much more a part of it than you may have first thought. Eitherway, I don’t think you should get him drunk again and try it on without his knowledge. It’s not fair to him, rewarding for you, or good for your relationship.

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Jayson stands to ask this: How do I control haemorrhoid flare ups and have anal sex at the same time? This is quite embarrassing when you have to decline sex because of having a 'bad haemorrhoid day'. Help!

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Paul says: I've always been a top in my relationships. This is because of haemorrhoids (despite two operations to 'band' them). I would really like my boyfriend to fuck me, but can't bring myself to relax enough because of the fear of pain & discomfort.

James answers: Haemorrhoids are actually very common but they do cause a lot of discomfort and can be very painful. Milder symptoms include itching and soreness around your bottom and blood on the toilet paper when going to the loo along with some discomfort. More severe symptoms include a sharp pain or hard lumps in your bottom.

It would be advisable for anyone with haemorrhoids to visit their GP for medical advice. Don't be embarrassed about asking about this as it is a very common problem. Your doctor will be able to offer you some good advice along with effective medication. Some creams are available for the treatment of haemorrhoids over the counter and they are designed to soothe and calm irritated areas, relieve pain and discomfort and reduce swelling, but your GP may decide on other treatment as well. Over the counter remedies may not be adequate for you, so seek proper assistance.

You can also help yourself as well. One of the best ways is to make sure that you keep your stools soft preventing you straining when going to the toilet. Eating a high fibre diet will do this, so make sure you include fruit, vegetables, grains, nuts and seeds in your diet. Avoiding highly refined foods such as white bread, cakes, pasta and rice. Avoiding alcohol and coffee is also wise as they can make your poo dry and hard as well, resulting in more strain when going to the toilet. Also make sure you drink at least 6-8 glasses of water per day to keep your body well hydrated.

Using laxatives and enemas can actually aggravate the problem. It is common for guys who are bottom to use enemas (a douche) before anal sex but this can make haemorrhoids worse.

When you need the toilet go immediately and don't sit there reading either. Sitting on the toilet for a long time can really add to the problem, as can any long period of sitting, particularly driving or even using a computer for hour upon hour. Avoiding the lifting of heavy objects is advisable, as well as lying down whenever you can, as this relieves the pressure on your rectal area. Lots of walking exercise is also good, so change your lifestyle if you can so you don't sit down for extended periods of time.

You can also try the Kegel exercise which strengthens the muscles around the anus. To find the Kegel muscles in your body, go for a pee and half way through stop the flow. The muscles you use are your Kegel muscles. Then once you have found them you can tense and relax them while not going to the toilet. Strengthening these muscles is also said to help prevent haemorrhoids.

Try some or all of these ideas, visit your GP and hopefully soon you will be able to enjoy having fewer problems with haemorrhoids and enjoy anal sex a lot more as well.

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