This Week - Kinky Sex, Online Chatting and What's legal

Micky is not so kinky: James, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and we have sex regularly, which is amazing in my opinion. He has started trying to get me to do kinky things, which he says will make our sex life even better, but I don't think we need it. I don't like things like that, but should I give it a try for his sake? Or should I tell him that it's not my thing?

James says: Hi Micky, it is quite common for the sex part of a relationship to become less exciting after a while and it is always a challenge to keep sex as exciting as it was the first time you met. I think your partner recognises this and is just trying to keep the sex part of your relationship fun!

I also think that you need to talk more openly about sex with each other to find out what each of you enjoy as you clearly have different opinions as to what makes sex exciting. He obviously enjoys so called kinky sex more than you and that's quite a difference.

You say that you don't think you need it but what exactly do you mean by this? It really does depend on the definition of 'kinky'. Many people do mildly kinky things as a part of every day sexual contact, and these may be many of the things that turn your boyfriend on too. The main problem here is that you are used to a 'vanilla' sex life where everything is reasonably tame and as a result anything more 'kinky' as you put it makes you feel uncertain.

The issue is actually not to do with whether you need it but more to do with the fact that you may actually enjoy it and it could end up making your sex life more fun. You should never be forced to do things that you don't want to do but equally you could try some new things and see how it goes.

I also think that if you were to talk more openly with each other then you would not have these fears and could probably enjoy sex together more. You say you enjoy sex with each other very much but maybe your partner enjoys something a little different from you or doesn't feel the same way as you do?

By talking honestly about this you can find out how you both feel and what really turns you on so that your sex life can become even more enjoyable than it already is, and you can lose some of your anxiety.

---

Dan is up for chat: Dear James, Can you advise me about what to do next? I have been chatting online to a guy for over a year. At first it was just chat but I realised I was developing a crush on him. This guy is very different to the others I chat to, he is not sleazy or out for a quick shag. My first problem is that he runs hot and cold on me. One moment we can talk for ages about anything and then next, nothing. It's almost like he can't be fully open with me. I know he is a bit shy but ...I know what he looks like and he is genuine (we use web cams to chat and nothing sleazy happens). I bit the bullet one day and told him that I was falling for him. I gave him my mobile number but he has never used it. The problem is, he still comes back to chat to me and I like him a lot. Help!

James replies: Hi there, well the internet has certainly been an amazing revolution in the past 10 years and has changed so many of the ways we communicate with each other. The trouble with the internet is that it is a distant media compared with more traditional means of meeting people such as face to face or by telephone.

The main noticable difference with the internet is that most communication made by this method is through text and not spoken voice. When we speak we are able to show how we are feeling through the expression we put in our voice however through text this often does not come through and that is why we use emoticons as well! The important thing is that internet chat is a more unusual way of communicating as it does offer people the chance to 'hide' behind their computer.

Even if you chat with a webcam and actually see the person it is still very different from meeting someone face to face or even talking to them on the phone. It can be very dangerous to fall in love with someone over the internet as unless you actually meet them you can't really know what they are like.

Try and keep this all in perspective as you haven't met this guy, and although you gave him your number he didn't call you. Be very careful, there are a lot of fake people online and also it is very easy to misunderstand what someone has written and what their true intentions are.

By all means set up a meeting with him face to face, but don't fall in love with him until you do.

---

Hearty is online too: Hi James, after just turning 35 I'm trying to come to terms with being gay after a lot of years of denial, having just recently ended a 15 year straight relationship. I've being checking out porn sites in the last few months too but as it's all new to me is this stuff you can legally access on the internet? I'm still a bit nervous about things as just trying to get a magazine with naked men 20 years ago was impossible. Any hints you can give me on how best to take my first steps would be appreciated - I don't know where to begin!

James answers: Hi there, well since earlier this year, if you are in the UK, you have to comply with the Online Safety Act. The new legislation asks that all consumers of porn (whether gay or straight) prove that they are over the age of 18. There are many different ways to do this, but the best systems involve getting a message from your mobile phone company or bank that simply confirms you are over 18 - absolutely nothing else, there's no other information exchanged.

This new system is highly regulated and therefore safe to use, providing that the scheme is one that's being regulated by Ofcom, the government communications watchdog. They ensure that the websites handle your data properly and only have legal images on them. You just have prove you are over 18 and confirm that you want to look at adult content. If you not in the UK, then most of the rules are about websites that feature guys over the age of 18. Most of well established sites do state that their models are all over 18 and they have obtained what's known as an 18 U.S.C. disclaimer.

Porn sites on the internet are a great way of seeing sexy pictures of men, but I should warn you that there are an awful lot of sites. A lot of what look like free ones have loads and loads of horrible pop ups and viruses attached. Some of these so called free sites are really hard to close as they just keep bringing up page after page of advertising, viruses and trojans without you even pressing a button! Just DON'T be tempted by what looks like a free porn website, where you don't even have to register.

The best way of accessing good quality legal porn is to join a members site as they provide content without all the intrusive pop ups and advertising. It is wise to choose one that is well established and offers the kind of pictures that you are interested in, such as OutUK's Free Premium Membership section. Here, you don't spend any money, but you do have to prove you are over 18.

Happy surfing!

---