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James Connor answers loads of questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend.
The Ask James Archive has more questions and answers
that were featured in previous editions of the column.
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This Week - Bored big time, Bored with men, and Bored in bed 
| shocking!! has an awesome problem: James. I've met this lovely lad. It's early days and I want to give it my best. OK heres the prob... when we got a bit frisky, I pulled out what I can only describe as something normally found in porn... it was huge! I tried to give it a go, but got all over excited and finished before we could get going... but thats not all of my dilemma. Should I worry about cumming too fast, and, by having sex with this guy regularly allowing myself to get accustomed to his size, is this going to cause me medical problems, now or in the future??
| James says: Hi, well to be honest I think you should just get on with it and enjoy it! Big dicks are a lot of fun so try and take your time over sex so as not to rush it. If you feel you are going to cum then stop for a minute till the feeling goes away and then start again. Tell your partner why you are doing this otherwise he might think you don't like him!
As for doing yourself medical problems you should remember that any large object inserted into your ass could cause problems and that is why the golden rule of 'if it hurts, stop' applies here. As you become more accustomed to larger dicks you can take more but again take your time over this and don't be greedy at first. Always use lots of lube.
The anus is a remarkably flexible part of the body but it needs to be treated with respect so don't shock it into something it is not ready for.
| Confused22 is bored: I don't know what's wrong with me I know for sure I'm gay, I watch porn, fantasise about other guys and chat online with guys. It's just that when I meet up with guys for sex I get bored. So far every guy I've ever hooked up with for sex I feel weird after thinking, "what a waste of time" or "that was such a mistake". I just don't know what's wrong with me?
| James replies: You know there are quite a lot of guys who have this kind of feeling after sex. If you think it's all a waste of time then that would probably indicate that you are not really meeting the right kind of guys.
After sex you shouldn't get feelings like this as sex should be a fun and exciting part of life. A awful lot of guys really have themselves a great time in bed so try and find someone who's more relaxed and extravert, and make sure you take your time over sex with them as well. Often a short session can leave you feeling deflated as it is all too quick and over too soon. The more time you take over sex and the more and more excited you get then the better it will be. If you are consistently thinking that it was a mistake to even try sex then that would indicate that you aren't very happy with the guys you are sleeping with.
Feeling comfortable and relaxed with someone is very important, as is having great sex! So maybe you should look at the kind of guys you are meeting and see if you can find someone who you are more relaxed with and who is also going to be a bit more exciting in bed.
| Will is just bored: Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 4 years and I'm getting bored. Do you think I should sleep around and hope he doesn't find out.
| James answers: Hi Will, well sleeping around and hoping that he won't find out is not really the ideal solution to your problem! Some couples after some time together decide to have an open relationship and they sit down and discuss the rules of this and how it will work eg. do you only have 3-somes?, can you sleep with a guy on your own?, are you allowed to stay over?, can you see the same guy twice?, etc. This can work for some couples but you really need to be able to talk about it openly to make an arrangement like this actually work.
If you don't feel able to talk to your partner about this then you could try and make your own sex life more fun again! I am sure that when you and your partner met sex was fun so why not try and recapture that again? Try introducing new situations, role play, go away more and have sex in unusual places, try different toys, buy new movies to watch, or maybe try organising a small sex party with a few friends.
Sex can become boring when you do the same thing in the same place over and over again. Some couples only ever have the same sex in the same room! If you vary this then it can be a lot more fun for you as there is a new stimulus.
Why don't you try speaking with your partner as if you are feeling like this then it is also likely that he is feeling the same as well so you may find that by talking about it you both can overcome some problems and also rekindle your sex life! Much better that, than playing away behind his back.
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