This Week - Homophobia, Too tight and Threesomes

Chaz comes out with this: Hi, I am 20 years old and I have had gay feelings since the begining of puberty. I want to come out to my friends, family and work collegues, but I am so scared of how they might react. I know my step dad is very homophobic and I don't want to lose them. Do you have any tips on how to make it easier?

James says: Well it is not easy coming out, in fact as a gay man it is the most difficult and also the most scary thing that you will probably have to do!

When you do come out you will find that most people will not actually be very bothered at all, in fact many gay guys almost laugh at the reaction they get when they tell people. It is an interesting concept to look at Daffyd from 'Little Britain'. He believes that everyone is homophobic whereas in fact no one in his village actually cares at all about his sexuality!

It can be very easy to get into that way of thinking - that no one will accept you. What often does happen though is that you find very few people around you actually care about it. You may also find that some friends or family have already guessed, and frankly they aren't surprised at all. At the end of the day it may be difficult for a small number of people, such as your step dad, but if he really cares about you then he will have to make an effort to understand and accept you as well.

It is much easier to come out nowadays than it has ever been and with the rise of legal protection for gay people and increasing gay rights such as the rights to civil partnership, an equal age of consent and hate crimes being taken very seriously by the authorities, being gay is no longer looked upon as something that's out of the norm. Gay people really are becoming part of the wider community and no longer having to hide their sexuality, so neither should you.

You could make sure that you have some contact details or information, especially for your family should they respond to you badly. The various help lines such as the Gay Switchboard can really help by providing useful support to gay people and their families. They can also recommend books and leaflets to get hold of to read.

Often when you come out the shock is not that you are gay but that they don't really know what it all means! Being more informed can settle the minds of many and you'll find that they will be able to accept you more for who you are, simply because they understand you and your sexuality more.

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David's feeling tight: I'm sure this question has been asked many times. But here goes. I have recently come out and I have also been very lucky in meeting someone very special. I'm 28 years old and haven't had much experience sexually. Although this has now changed. The problem I have is that while I like to have intercourse with my partner and it's no problem, he also wants the same. But after trying many times it just doesn't seem to work. It's just too tight and it hurts. I really want to please him, and the idea turns me on. I have been told that it's just a case of relaxing, and I do try really hard. Is there any other advise you can give. I would be really greatful if you could help me.

James replies: Hi David, yes this is something that is very common, especially when you start having sex. If you have not been fucked before it is not easy and the key is to relax and enjoy it but that is easier said than done.

In order to enjoy anal sex the muscles in your ass need to be relaxed and you also need to be relaxed. If you are tense or worried about it then your muscles will also be tense and that means it will hurt.

The best way is for you as a bottom to be in total control. This way you can control exactly what is happening. Ideally you need a partner who is able to maintain an erection without any problems. A partner who finds it difficult to stay hard only adds to the pressure.

For you to be in control you need to sit on top of your partner. The nicest way to do this is sitting facing your partner as then you can see each other. Also do not be afraid to talk about things while having sex. By communicating more you can enjoy sex a lot more. The more you talk the more enjoyable and relaxed the situation becomes, and try laughing too, that can only help to relax you.

Always use lots and lots of silicone lubricant. This makes it easier to be fucked and also silicone lube has the advantage of not drying out so quickly so you don't need to keep applying it so often. Some guys use poppers to relax as a bottom and you could try this although remember that poppers and any form of viagra or the like are a dangerous combination.

When you sit on your partner do it really slow. Tell him not to move as well so that you take full control. Just go slowly, breathe deeply and try to relax into it. You don't need to go really deep at first and then after a while stop, take a break and then start again a bit later. Over time you get used to it and will begin to enjoy it much more as well.

If at any time it is painful just stop but don't feel that the next time will be just as painful as it won't. Don't worry about it and just take your time and you will find that you can enjoy being a bottom to your partner. There is a lot to learn so don't feel you have to rush this. When you are a little more used to it and it doesn't hurt then you can also move to other positions such as spooning, where you both lie next to each other with your partner's chest against your back. This is one of the most comfortable positions for the bottom as your partner's dick will be able to follow the natural passage in your ass.

Other positions such as doggy style or you lying down on your front should be left for a while until you are more experienced as these positions enable to top to go much deeper. They are great fun once you have mastered some of the other positions more thoroughly.

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Sam's unsure: Hi James, I've been with my partner for 8 years now, and love him lots. We get on well and have good sex, but I find myself fantasising about having a threesome, not with anyone in particular, but just having one generally. I've tried suggesting it to my partner, but he just says, yeah right, and doesn't progress it. I really fancy the idea, as a bit of spice for our sex lives, so what should I say or do to get him interested, but not upset him with the idea.

James answers: Hi Sam, it is perfectly common for guys who have been together a long time to look for more exciting ways they can spice up their sex lives. Let's face it, after 8 years it just doesn't have the spark that it had at the beginning!

Having a 3-some is a great idea as it means you can play together and so you don't have to feel that you are cheating on each other but it will mean that you can have a lot more fun.

Why do you think your partner wasn't so keen on the idea? Why don't you try and speak to him as it really is a good idea! Maybe he was embarrassed about it or maybe he was afraid about it. Try and speak openly and honeslty about it and find out what his concerns are as this would definitely be one way that you could bring back some sparkle into your love life!

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