James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Get a PA, Get over an Ex and Get down to it
regor57 has a right royal question: I've been wearing a cock ring for several years, and now I am interested in having a Prince Albert fitted. Can you give me any advice?
James says: Hi, First of all regor, I assume you mean that you wear a cock ring occasionally and not all the time as it has been proven that wearing a cock ring for too long or for extended periods of time can be dangerous.
A Prince Albert, for anyone who is not sure, is a piercing in the cock at the top of the shaft. It was actually named after Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert, who was reputed to have had one. The Prince Albert Piercing is very effective for sex as it provides greater stimulation for both partners. It sounds painful but in fact the area where the skin is pierced is only 1mm thick and the piercing takes only a few seconds so the pain is not so great. It also heals fairly quickly but you mustn't keep touching it or playing with it after it has been done.
Keep it clean, drink lots of water and refrain from having sex in the first few days after it has been done. You will also find it more difficult using a condom with a Prince Albert but try putting some lube on the ring as well, and that should help!
The most important thing is to go to a piercing place that you know and can trust. They need to have experience in doing peircings of the genitals and they also need to have good hygiene standards. If you don't have any piercings and don't know anywhere then ask a friend who does for some recommendations. It's worth investing some serious time in finding out the right place to go.
You might be interested in this OutUK feature which tells you a whole lot more about what it's like to get a PA.
Eric wonders: Hi James, Iím in a happy relationship with my boyfriend. I donít live with him but I love him and we have amazing sex. It's been 8 months. When on my own, every time I touch myself, I am more turned on by the fantasies of my ex than by him. I mean - I can't help picturing myself with my ex instead of him. This bothers me. I want him in my fantasies also. Iím darn sure I DON'T still have loving feelings for my ex. In bed, we even do stuff that I didn't do with my ex. Do you think, subconsciously, I want to be more with my ex than I want to be with him, or I still want to be with my ex physically?
James replies: I wouldn't have thought that any of this really means very much to be honest! You say that you are in love with your current partner and that you have a great sex life, so you should realise how lucky you are to have this kind of relationship and you should learn to appreciate what you have.
It is very common to still think about your ex boyfriend and a lot of people go through this. Some people never manage to move on fully after a relationship. and it's really important that you do. Try and realise that you don't love him anymore and you don't need him and you don't want him in your life as a sexual partner. Also try and realise how happy you are with your current partner.
Hopefully these thoughts will enable you to stop thinking about your ex so much and move on and enjoy your current life more, without worrying too much about your past. Good luck!
gayguy wants to know: I really want to do oral sex but I'm worried about sexual safety. Can you help me? What's safe and what's not?
James answers: There are some associated risks with oral sex. If you perform oral sex on a man then the known risks are that you could catch chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and more rarely hepatitis A, herpes and shigella.
If you recieve oral sex from another man then you are at risk of catching chlamydia, gonorrhea, NSU (which is very similar to chlamydia), herpes and syphilis.
Currently the rates of treatable STD's such as gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia are on the rise and so it is wise to have regular check ups for STD's at your local clinic if you are sexually active. The good thing is that catching HIV from oral sex is considered to be very low risk.
Some guys do use a condom for oral sex, however most guys don't as it is just not very nice. You can buy flavoured condoms but even then it is still not very nice and most guys prefer not to use condoms for oral sex. You will need to decide what is best for you.
Having said that for oral sex most guys don't use condoms and have regular check ups for STD's. All the treatable ones listed above are not really that severe when discovered early and are quite easy to treat so don't get too scared about them. Have an enjoyable sex life and get yourself tested regularly!
Finally if you have anal sex with another guy ALWAYS use a condom. Anal sex, whether you are a top or a bottom, has much higher risks of catching HIV and the only way to make sure you are safe is to use a condom every time you fuck or are fucked.