James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Polygamy, Gay partners and Tight foreskins
Jack getting romantic: James, I'm involved in a polygamous relationship, and these boys are my world. The sex is amazing -- how can it get old with two blokes? -- and I love the capacity for loving and being in love with two people that I didn't know I had previously. The problem is, we don't have a set anniversary together (just in twos), and this Valentine's Day will be our first ever. We live together, and I'd like us to do something that isn't part of the usual routine. Have you got any ideas?
James says: Hi Jack! Living in a relationship with 2 other guys is not always easy but when it does work it can be very special indeed. The key to the success of this kind of relationship is keeping the balance between all those involved. If this breaks down or doesn't really exist at all then the relationship suffers just as in the ground breaking film 'Jules & Jim'.
Your idea to have a set anniversary for the three of you is a good one as it shows that nobody is more important than any other, and it stabilises the relationship with the equality I just mentioned. Is there a date around when you met both of them? If not then what about setting Valentine's Day as that day?
Now you say that you want to do something different for Valentine's but you didn't say what kind of thing you had in mind! I assume that your relationship is based on sex as that was the main thing you talk about in your question. Have you thought of bringing in another guy for a night? This could be a great experience and a lot of fun although it may be difficult finding a guy who you would all like and also someone who would like the idea of joining all three of you for sex. Having said that an escort would be very willing and professional in this.
If you want to keep it to the 3 of you then you could buy three identical pieces of jewellery, spice it up with some sex toys (a double dildo would be great!), you could also all blindfold each other and feel your way through new experiences together, you could cook an erotic Valentine's meal with oysters, avocado, strawberries and cream etc and end up eating the food off each other, or how about getting a friend to film the evening with you together and produce your own porn movie! Whatever you decide to do have a fantastic time ;-)
Tiffany asks: I'm female. I've been with my boyfriend for a while now and I keep thinking he may be gay. We have sex, but it's limited as he doesn't seem to be very interested a lot of the time. He may stay on a Saturday night and we may have sex but this doesn't include any affection. He never kisses me, except on the cheek and never snogs me even during sex. He is effeminate, and he has what I think are gay mannerisms. I've tried hugging him but he rarely responds. He has a male married friend who I think he may be in love with as he seems worship the ground he walks on although I know this guy is unaware it. I feel starved of affection and I can't help thinking I'm being used as a front. There is a lot of tension between us at the moment and when I ask him why he won't kiss me he says he isn't doing anything wrong. Please help, I think you will be able to answer me.
James replies: Hi Tiffany, this is a difficult question as there are several issues here, and it is not just a matter of whether someone is gay or not.
A lot of the indications you have mentioned do not necessarily mean that your boyfriend is gay, and it could just be down to you being with someone who does not pay you the attention you would like and deserve, or maybe he is not a very sexual person at all. Some people also loose a desire to be sexual when they have worries on their mind or are preoccupied with other things - this is perfectly normal, and could change if circumstances do.
If someone is effeminate and has 'gay mannerisms' then they aren't necessarily gay, and what exactly does 'being gay' mean? There are loads of guys who are openly gay and who do not meet the camp stereotype of a gay man. Equally, there are loads of very masculine bisexual guys who sleep with men and women but do not outwardly appear to be gay, and then there are men who have gay feelings but choose to hide them and term themselves as being straight.
It is much more difficult to define people according to their sexuality than a lot of people think, as your sexuality is a fluctuating issue and can depend on many different factors. Some people find their sexual preferences vary over time and others find that it fluctuates along a sliding scale from degrees of being straight to degrees of being gay.
I think that if your relationship is not going so well at the moment you should try and get him to see that, and keeping it very calm talk things through. You might like to consider getting professional help from a relationship councillor. If he loves you he owes you a little honesty.
If your boyfriend has gay feelings and this is really the cause of your problem then I wonder if he would tell you anyway, as coming out as gay is one of the hardest things someone can do, particularly if it is to your girlfriend, even if she is as supportive as you. Most people need time before they can take a step a big as this.
The best thing you can do is to spend time talking to him about the relationship you think you want, and find out what the causes are of his behaviour. If he has always been like this then it really might just be down to the kind of person he is, and not because he might be gay. If there is something major that has happened recently in his life (like a bereavement, job loss, new job or change of circumstances) then talk about how that might be causing you problems in your relationship with him. You see it might well be down to something entirely different than you think and it might not have anything to do with him being gay. Good luck!
G is stuck: I have not long turned 18, and have a bf. I am keen to have sex yet am embarassed as I can't pull my foreskin back fully. Is this normal? Can I do anything apart from a circumcision, and if not how long would it take for me to have a circumcision and recover? Thanks for any advice, sorry if this is a bit too personal!
James answers: This is a condition called phimosis and it is not an uncommon problem. It shouldn't really be an issue in your sex life unless it is very painful for you when you have an erection. If your foreskin is very tight and doesn't pull back at all then there is a risk that it may rip during sex and bleed. This could be quite painful and there is also the risk that it may pull back and get stuck.
You should try and pull your foreskin back gently a tiny little bit everyday. Over a period of time, months or even a year, many people are able to stretch their foreskins this way and the foreskin is able to retract back more and more.
You say you can't pull your foreskin back fully so it would seem that your situation is not so severe - some people can't pull back their foreskins at all. You should however see your GP as he may decide that circumcision or having your foreskin opened is necessary. Don't be embarrassed by the idea, doctors get to see everything in their working life, and you won't be the first person with this problem.
The reasons for circumcision would be to stop pain during sex and to prevent cum from getting under the foreskin. If you are not able to wash your cum away it will cause you hygiene problems as well as smelling bad, and it has been said to cause the penis to bend. If you do need to go for circumcision then you shouldn't worry about it as nowadays it is a fairly straightforward exercise. Typically you can expect it to hurt for a week or so and you should be back to a normal sex life within a month or two.
Now you also say that you have a boyfriend but you haven't yet had sex? You may need to consider how long he will be happy not to have sex with you, and what you want from the relationship. There really is nothing to worry about with your foreskin unless it is really painful for you so if you want to have sex with your boyfriend then you should try it and enjoy it!