James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Just starting out with BJs, Sex and Chatting Up
Lance needs some tips: Hi James, I'm 18yrs old and I know I'm gay! There a gay guy I know and really fancy and I want to give him a blow job, but the thing is I've never given anyone a blow job before. I'm scared that I will not please him, also I don't really know what to do when giving a blow job. Could you please help me.
James says: Well amazingly enough, the less you actually think about sex the more you enjoy it, in fact a lot of people suffer from worrying too much about sex, and this actually inhibits performance.
When you are sucking a guy's cock there are loads of different ways of doing it and you need to try out different stuff to learn what's best. This all takes time so you don't need to try it all on your first time. It is really important that you relax and enjoy yourself as well!
The best way of learning about sex is to copy what's done to you, but only if it is enjoyable of course. The more sex you have, the more you learn and of course if you have sex with different guys then you will be able to compare what they do and find out what's really horny and turns you on most. Then you can try these things on other guys you have sex with.
As for blow jobs apart from the fact that his dick is obviously in your mouth there are loads of different variations you can try. You can vary the speed that you suck his dick, maybe starting slowly and then going faster. You can also vary the pressure to which you suck - the harder you suck the more pleasure it will give. Then you can also take his dick further into your mouth or even try to deep throat although with guys who have big dicks this really does need quite a bit of practice to be able to take it all.
You don't have to just suck his dick either - you can try licking around the head and the shaft, licking his balls, or even slapping his dick against your face. Just experiment and notice when you are being sucked what works for you and try copying this on other guys.
You could also watch some porn movies and notice all the different ways porn stars suck dick for some more ideas! Remember that you can catch some STD's from sucking and there is a very small risk of catching HIV as well but the risks are low and as a result most guys do not use condoms for oral sex BUT when you have anal sex you must ALWAYS use a condom! Be safe and enjoy yourself! xx
Matt too needs help: Hi, I'm just starting out with gay sex. I don't know what to try first so could you advise me. What sex do guys like best with other men? If you've never done it, what should you start with?
James replies: Hi Matt, you know the first time you have sex with a guy it is always a very memorable experience so it is really a good idea to do it with someone who you are very keen on, and is special to you.
There is also often the feeling that you want to try everything at once but what you shouldn't do is rush into things that you aren't very comfortable about. Some things are perfect for a first time such as kissing and sucking and wanking. Anal sex can be a bit more tricky especially for the bottom guy so you may prefer to leave this for another time. Again it is up to you and what you feel comfortable with.
I think the best thing is not to rush things as you have so much time to enjoy sex and, as I said to Lance, remember that whatever you do always make it safe so that means never have any anal sex without a condom!
David asks: How can you tell a guy is homosexual? I know that sounds silly, but is there some sort of code? What should you ask a guy. I don't want to just come out and say it, in case he's not, so is there an easier way?
James answers: Hey David, you know there is no code such as a secret signal or handshake to tell if someone is gay. In the past guys used to use different coloured hankies in their pockets as secret codes to other gay men. Nowadays you can usually tell, and I say usually, if a guy is gay when you look into his eyes as there is a different look between gay guys and straight guys. You get used to this the more you are on the gay scene.
Straight guys will look at you but for different reasons and in different ways. However, this is only a general situation and you won't always be able to tell if someone is gay just by looking at them or from the way they look at you and you can also misread the clues as well and think that someone is gay when they are straight.
You should also remember that a lot of guys consider themselves as either bi or straight but at the same time also sometimes enjoy sex with men. Because it is not so easy to sort one from the other a lot of gay men choose to go out to gay bars or clubs as then the question about 'Is he gay?' doesn't exist and it is so much easier!
I guess if you really want to find out if a guy is gay or straight then you would start by asking a few pointer questions such as 'Do you have a girlfriend?'. If he says yes then you have your answer! If he says no then find out why!