James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Leaking cum, Pulling out and Round the rim
Dewana can't contain himself: Hi James, I'm 30 and have this embarassing issue. Whenever I start talking to some one about sex or even talking with my partner I start getting wet all around my dick with precum. So many times I have also had premature ejeculations. I'm very worried, and don't get much out of sex as it's all over so soon. Please can you help me.
James says: When someone comes very quickly, or quicker than they would like to, it is usually termed as premature ejaculation. Typically it's caused by anxiety or nervousness about how well one will perform in sex. It can also occur more often during one of the first few sexual experiences you have.
All this is usually attributed to anxiety about sex but it could also be due to great excitement. Younger guys do tend to cum more quickly than older guys, and you will also find that the longer the period from when you last came the more likely you are to have a quicker orgasm. You can try a variety of techniques to build up the time between thinking about or starting to have sex and the time that you cum.
Try the stop start technique, where you start wanking and then stop when you are close to coming. Wait, and then start again, and keep this going quite a few times and then cum. This teaches you where your 'point of no return' is and you will learn how to control it more effectively.
Another technique is to learn how to use your PC muscle. Go for a pee and stop the flow midway without touching your dick. The muscle you clench to do this is the PC muscle. Practice exercising this muscle when you are not peeing and you will build in your ability to control it and also it will become stronger. While having sex you can then clench the PC muscle and that will delay ejaculation as well.
You can also try the squeeze method where you put your index finger and thumb over the tip of your dick and gently squeeze. Again this helps to stop ejaculation as well but only if you apply pressure early enough. Again you need to learn where your point of no return is.
There is also a spot under your dick just above the anus which when pressed will delay ejaculation. Some guys massage this while having sex to stimulate orgasm but by pressing on it firmly it can also act as a delay.
When wanking try using different pressures - the harder you wank yourself then the quicker you will come. While fucking try different positions too. Some positions such as spooning are more relaxed and less intense and will lead to you being able to go for longer.
Also try focussing on the parts of your lover that turn you on less! If the site of your partners chest really makes you want to come then fuck him face down so you can't see it! Also using thicker condoms will give you less sensation in your dick and so longer periods without coming. You can also buy desensitising creams from sex stores which numb the penis to a certain extent and that can also help delay you coming.
There are a few drugs available to help with a delayed ejaculation. It would be a good idea to visit your doctor and talk about this with him. If you think it will be far too embarrasing then just remember that around 30% of guys suffer from premature ejaculation problems so you will not be the first person to visit him asking about this.
It may also be that you just don't have enough sex! Some people need more sex than others as some guys are just more horny than others. If are not having as much sex as your body would like then this could also lead to you being over excited when you actually get down to having sex and that in itself could cause premature ejaculation. Try some of these ideas and see which ones work for you and with some practice you will be able to go for hours and hours soon!
Kev puts in this: In almost all the gay porn I've watched, at the end the top pulls out and wanks off to ejaculate! I always assumed that was because the punters need to see the cum shots. Is that true? Or is it sometimes because they can't cum in a fuck? I only ask because I can never cum inside guys. Is this normal?
James replies: Yes, you are right that when shooting porn we always cum outside of the guys we are fucking so that you can see it on film. Otherwise if we all came inside the guy we were fucking there would be no proper climax to the scene!
Most guys I know when we are filming are so turned on by the whole thing that it would be very easy for them just to cum inside the guy they are fucking but then that wouldn't be very exciting when you watch the movie!
Some guys do cum more easily than others as I mentioned above, and as such it is easier for some guys to cum inside their partner while fucking than others. You could also consider the type of condoms you are using. The thicker the condom the less sensation you feel so you could try using a condom other than the extra thick ones given out for free in most bars and clubs in the UK.
There has been a lot of research into the use of extra strong condoms for anal sex and a recent research study involving gay couples found that standard condoms are just as effective for anal sex as extra-strong condoms, so long as they are used correctly, in particular with lots of lube.
You will also find that the more you worry about not being able to come inside your partner then the harder it will get as stressing over sexual problems only makes them worse. There is a multiplier effect of stress in the sense that if something becomes an issue for you and the next time it doesn't get better then that only adds to more stress the next time and so on. It is important not to worry about your sexual performance as this could seriously affect your sex life.
You could also get your partner to be a more active bottom! Some guys just lie there and take it, whereas you may find you have much better sex with a bottom guy who is more responsive. Some guys know how to use the muscles inside their arse to great effect. This leads to much greater sensation for you as they are able to increase and decrease the pressure around your dick and this can easily stimulate you enough to come inside. So teach your partner how to be an active bottom! We have answered the question of how to be an active bottom before so check the Archive of Ask James for more on this!
Older man asks this old one: When you go down on a guy for rimming, how do you treat his hole? I mean do you munch on it, or just taste it with your tongue? I see in the movies guys pushing their faces into the asses of their partners and I wonder what happens then. I am wanting to do this to a guy I know, but I want to do it so he will want it again. I not really sure what to do once I get my face down there!
James answers: There are many different ways of rimming and it all depends on the situation really. A lot of the time in porn movies we don't immediately go and munch it as you put it. This is so that you can see the asshole and also see the other guys tongue.
In your private life it is up to you how you rim. Most guys will start by licking around a guys arse and then go and lick the asshole. How intense this becomes will usually depend on the guy who is being rimmed. If he likes it a lot, and you can tell this by the way he responds and the noises he makes, then you can take it further.
Guys who really enjoy being rimmed will love to have your face right in their ass and be rimmed as deep as you can. You could also try telling the guy beforehand what you would really like to do and see how he reacts. If he says that he loves that too then you have no problems and can just go for it!