This Week - Dating a +ve guy, Rimming precautions and Gagging

Paul is unsure: I've got friendly with a guy who's been quite open about his situation, telling me that he is HIV positive. I admire his honesty, and he seems to be a nice guy, but I'm a little confused about meeting him. What do you think?

James says: Hi Paul. This question applies to so many but you should realise that a lot of people don't have such honesty and do see other guys without telling about their HIV status. You should admire the fact that this guy has been totally honest with you. I assume you are confused about meeting him because of the risks of catching HIV from him?

Well currently all the research suggests that the highest risk of catching HIV comes from unsafe sex and that means fucking without a condom or barebacking as it is often called. It doesn't matter if you are active or passive you are still at high risk, although a passive partner stands even more risk and again there's even a higher risk if the active man cums inside.

You should always be careful as guys can ask you things like 'Are you safe?', indicating that they are HIV negative and if you are too, then perhaps you can bareback. Frankly, all this means nothing and you shouldn't ever assume that anyone is HIV negative, even if they tell you. Barebacking is high risk, no matter what.

Research between couples of which one is HIV positive and one is negative has shown that if they always participate in safe sex (i.e. with condoms) then there is a relatively low risk of HIV infection in the HIV negative partner. When they practise sex without condoms then the risks and the infection rates are much higher.

Really the main factor in not catching HIV is to use a condom when having anal sex. There are also some risks with Oral sex, especially if the positive guy comes in the mouth of the other. You might like to look at the question below for more on this.

Unfortunately barebacking is more and more on the increase and yet rates of HIV infection in the gay community should really be stabalised and falling by now because of our knowledge and education. Quite simply, they are not!

Being HIV positive is not a nice thing. Although medical knowledge has improved a lot since 20 years ago, when HIV was first discovered, the medication prescribed can still be very harsh on the body and there is still no cure. Side effects from the drugs are often very unpleasant, life expectancy is reduced, and aging of the body seems to occur faster amongst HIV positive people.

It is not so difficult for a gay man to stay negative. Always use a condom for anal sex and remember that every person you have sex with might well be the one with HIV. This guy you are chatting with now has to be admired as he has been very open with you about his HIV status. You need to talk it through with him, and let him know your fears, and if he is special to you, the two of you can face the issue together in a defined and controlled way.

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Simon says: I have always enjoyed rimming - but friends of mine who don't are really repulsed that I like it. They all say I should take precautions, and some say I should be vaccinated against Hepatitus. Am I a bad person, or are they just overreacting ... and what about those precautions and the jab?

James replies: Hi Simon, I am wondering what friends you have as rimming is not so repulsive!

You are right that there are some risks attached to it and you can catch diseases including Amebiasis, Cryptosporidium, Giardia, Hepatitis A and Shigella, however you can't catch HIV from rimming unless there is blood present which can happen after fucking or fisting or if someone has hemorrhoids.

If you want to avoid any risk of catching these diseases then you can use a dental dam or a cut up condom to use as a barrier although a lot of guys don't like this as there is little feeling through the dam.

You mention being vaccinated against Hepatitis. Every sexually active man should be vaccinated against Hepatitis. Visit your sexual health clinic and speak to someone there. They will explain to you the different forms of Hepatitis and also the vaccines that are now available. Even if you don't do rimming you can still catch Hepatitis so for the sake of an injection you really should go and have that done.

Of course the most important thing before rimming a guy is to make sure that he is totally clean around his ass. Also if he is going to be passive then douching before is also important if you want to have 'clean' sex. We have talked about douches before which can be either hand held or attached to the shower. Both are available from the OutUK shop ShopGay.

It would seem that your friends are not very experienced sexually as rimming does form quite an important part of sex for a lot of people. When shooting porn we pretty much always do rimming and a lot of guys who are bottom really enjoy it as it prepares them mentally for being fucked later and is an important part of anal foreplay along with fingering.

So enjoy rimming as it doesn't make you a bad person! Make sure that your partner is clean when you do and also visit your STD clinic for the Hepatitis vaccination and maybe even educate your friends so they too can enjoy a more varied and fun sex life.

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Matt needs tuition advice: I have just started dating and guy who was a virgin when we started so I want to make sure I teach him correctly to suck cock. I like to come in his mouth and I want him to deep throat me. I have tried to override his gag reflex, but with no success so far. I want to bypass his mouth altogether, and come in his throat. Is this possible? I am pretty well hung (7 1/2 inches) which may be a problem.

James answers: Hi Matt, is there a correct way to suck cock? Surely everyone is an individual and we all do it in a way that we enjoy? Sex is meant to be fun for both of you so try not to place too much emphasis on what you consider to be the correct way of doing something, instead concentrate on enjoying what happens naturally between the two of you.

You should remember that oral sex does have risks for your partner including possible HIV transmission and these risks are greatly increased when one partner cums inside another's mouth. Does your partner like you to cum in his mouth or is he doing it to please you and does he understand the risks of this?

Again for deep throating, is this something your partner wants to do or purely something you want him to do for you? Deep throating can be great although very few guys are really able to do it and an even smaller number are able to do it comfortably. The key to deep throating is actually the position you are both in and the angle of insertion. The bigger the dick the harder it is to deep throat. If your dick is large then it can actually be quite uncomfortable to deep throat it.

The best position to try is with your partner lying face up on the bed with his head off the side of the bed so that his throat is almost flat.

You need to realise that the gag reflex is an inbuilt function of the body to prevent large objects going into our mouths. You cannot overcome someone else's gag reflex as it is controlled by their brain and not yours! If you have been trying to overcome this reaction by shoving your cock in his mouth then it's not surprising he has been gagging.

What you need to do is to let him be in control, in order that he is able to overcome his natural reaction to gag. Most guys fail in this by trying to force their dick into their partner's mouth. This only works with people are very experienced in deep throating.

Let him take control of the situation, and each time see how far he can go. It takes practice and needs to be done in a relaxed way otherwise he will gag and lose his confidence. Take it slowly and in a few months he may be an expert cocksucker if that's what HE wants. Good luck!

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