This Week - Coming out to family, Am I and My boyfriend is so shy

Peter comes out with this: Hi James, I'm desperate, I just can't keep the secret that I am gay to my family, I want to come out but I just don't find the moment and if I do find the moment I am too scared of what will happen, The repercussions may be not too favorable for me after I come out, as I don't know how they will react. Please give me some advice.

James says: Hi Peter, you know this is all too common and is pretty much the same for most guys when they come out. The main reason for not coming out or for delaying coming out is the fear of what might happen.

For most guys though they actually find that when they do come out life gets easier to a certain extent as the anxiety of how people will react has already past. You should remember that society is much more accepting of gay people nowadays and this has come about from gay people being more prominent in all areas of life from tv to politics. Equal Marriage, Civil Partnerships and a broad range of other equity issues have also made gay lifestyles more prominent in the news.

It is generally much easier for gay guys to come out now and a lot of guys I know have been surprised at how easy it was and just how unshocked most people were when they found out! Don't be surprised if a lot of them have already guessed, or just don't care. At the end of the day it is your decision and you'll have to consider what your family and friends are like and how shocked you think they would be, but you may be surprised when you come out just how easy it was and how much your life has changed for the better.

Initially some people can be a little difficult, especially your mum and dad but usually with time they get used to it and they realise that you are still the same person but you have been able to be honest about yourself and what you want from life! Good luck!

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Jon asks: Hi James, yesterday I was in the shower and my best friend came into the bathroom. I'm straight and I'm pretty sure he is, but neither of us seemed to mind. Does this make me gay?

James replies: Hi Jon, just because you are in the bathroom with a friend doesn't mean you are gay!

If you were turned on by the thought of being in the room with him or the sight of him turned you on then that would be something to think about. Also the fact that OutUK is a site designed for gay men and you use this site may also indicate that you are curious about all things gay and that may also be something for you to consider.

One incident like this means nothing, but think about what you actually want from your life, and work out whether you in fact prefer men or women sexually. That will answer the question in your mind much more than what happened in the bathroom on one particular day.

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Phil is worried: Hi James, I have been with my bf for 2 months now, we both are very cute and young. I am 22, he is 27. He is the kind of person I would like to be together with as a soulmate as we are very caring & understanding of each other. The only problem is he is very shy to have sex, he can suck me and jack me off and make sure I cum, but he never cums himself, not even jacking himself while sucking/wanking me. He is even shy about exposing his penis to me sometimes. I have to act as sexy as I possibly can, but even then he cannot overcome the problem! We haven't had any anal sex at all. What can I do so he can get excited then cum? How do I teach him? Thanks for your help!

James answers: Phil, sex is a very personal thing and people react to it differently. When it comes to sex no two people are the same and we all have different things which really turn us on or really turn us off.

Some guys just don't like anal sex for example. Other guys do find the issue of sex embarrassing or prefer not to think about sex. There can be various reasons for this and it can be a result of their background, family, religion, problems with accepting being gay or past experiences.

One of the key issues in being able to enjoy sex is to be relaxed with it and to be able to talk openly about it although that is easier said than done for a lot of people. In order to make your sex life more fun you would really need to be able to find out from him how he feels about different sexual activities, what his fears are and also what he likes.

He may be reacting like this with you due to anxiety over various sexual issues. One may be to do with dick size as a lot of guys are embarrassed or are not fully comfortable with themselves due to a perception that their dick is small, or too large, or wrongly shaped. Research has shown that most of the time these fears are exaggerated and that often someone's dick is actually a good deal larger, smaller or better looking than they perceive. If you suspect this is an issue with your partner then some reassuring comments about his dick and how much you like it may help.

Another reason may be a bad past experience. If he has had issues before, especially with sexual dysfunction where maybe he has had problems with getting hard or problems being able to cum, then this can cause anxiety each time he is about to have sex. The fear over his ability to perform can be compounded over time whereby previous problems lead to fear about performing which itself makes sex harder and this leads to increased fear and further problems.

If you think that this may be an issue with your partner then the way to help would be to talk openly about it and help each other conquer this. Fear is always compounded by not communicating. Talking around an issue always helps as it highlights other points of view which may not have been considered. It would not be advisable to ask him outright about this. A much more sympathetic way would be to talk to him one day about a problem that you have in sex and see if he is willing to talk about it. If he is then maybe he will also open up and talk to you about his problems and fears.

If he has limited sexual experience then this may also be a reason and again talking about it can really help. The real issue here is probably not that he doesn't find you exciting but that he has fears being unable to do something in sex or that he doesn't like certain sexual activities. If you are able to start talking more openly about your sex life then you should be able to find a better balance and you will also be able to understand him more. If anything sharing each others concerns will bring you closer together, and will definately improve your sexual enjoyment.

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