James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Cheating bfs, Rimming worries and Bi disgusts
Kev's worried about love: I can't seem to get relationships right. I'm 25, quite insecure, good looking though so I am never without attention. But I met my bf 3 months ago on the net, and within a month of dating I cheated on him. I told him straight away, and he forgave me. Me being me, I was left wondering why he'd forgiven me so easily. So I got a mate of mine to message him online. He replied with some pictures and was keen to arrange a meet. When I confronted him about it, he said he knew he was being set up, the pictures weren't of him and made some lame excuse up about why he was on there. Another thing that gets to me, is when I see him looking at other guys, even when driving. I know everyone does it, but it makes me feel like he's looking for someone else. I do like this guy, and he wants to put this all behind us, but my friends tell me it's as clear as rain that he's on the net looking for other guys. What should I do now?
James says: Hi Kev, well your situation is not so dissimilar from many gay relationships. A lot of guys like the idea of being in a relationship but having one that is totally monogamous proves to be really difficult for them most of the time. You proved this to yourself by cheating on your boyfriend within one month of meeting him!
So what do you expect? It isn't really possible for you to want him to be OK about your infidelity and forgive you, and then behave like and angel himself! Plus it is really quite low to start trying to trick him by getting friends to send him messages online. That does not help build a trusting relationship at all.
I think you should have a look at your relationship and think about what you and your boyfriend actually want. When you are really in love with someone and want to be with them then you do not want to cheat on them and you don't want to play games of catch out with them either. You should also consider that if you are already playing games with each other like this after only a few months where will your relationship end up after 2 or 3 years?
Stop competing with one another and start loving each other more. Accept each other's needs, and talk about them to each other, try to understand what he thinks and what he wants, what's important to him and what's going to make him happy, and put his needs above those of your own - and he should do the same for him. That way you'll build a relationship together that you won't want to stray from.
Gary wonders: I want to rim guys. I fantasise about frenching a guy's anus and sticking my tongue deep in to his rectum and tasting and swallowing his anal mucous. This really turns me on. I also want to be rimmed as the feeling of saliva on my anus turns me on when I spit on my palm and rub it into my asshole and finger myself. Is this totally sick, or do other guys feel this way?
James replies: No it's not totally sick! It isn't a turn on for all guys but some guys are really into rimming or being rimmed. What is important is to make sure you rim the right guy, pick one who is really into it! Most guys who enjoy being bottom also like being rimmed but this does not necessarily follow, so check first. Ask him! Rimming is quite an intimate, personal activity so as long as you do it with a guy who really enjoys it you will have a lot of fun.
Remember that although rimming is considered to be safe sex when it comes to catching HIV you can easily catch other STD's such as hepatitis and other illnesses as well. A hepatitis vacination may be a good idea if you really intend to rim guys regularly. Go and see your doctor or make an appointment at an GUM clinic. Eitherway, it is a very good idea for both partners to wash thoroughly with soap and water before having sex to make sure you are clean. You can use a cut up condom or dental dam if you are worried about health risks but you will find most guys don't use them!
Michael's disgusted with himself: I am bisexual and feel compelled to fantasise about having sex with men. I have had a number of one-night stands. I often feel disgusted after I cum that I am engaging in homosexual activity, but I can't stop myself. I feel guilty for wanting and sleeping with men. I practice safe sex but am riddled with fears of catching STDs. I like to suck men's penises and have anal sex. How can I just enjoy having sex with men and stop worrying?
James answers: Well there is nothing wrong with sleeping with other men. Gay sex been around for thousands of years and in today's modern, liberal society it is no longer discriminated against in law by most western countries.
If you want to sleep with men then you should be able to do so without having feelings of guilt after or having to worry about STD's either. Feelings of guilt only come if other people you know feel it is wrong. Some young guys now live in environments where they don't even have to come out as being gay as it is accepted quite openly as part of normal life.
You should identify where your feelings of guilt come from and then rationalise them with what you know to be the truth! You need to learn how to enjoy sleeping with men and not feel ashamed about it. Maybe you should find a friend who is gay as that might help you? At least then you can talk to someone who has a different viewpoint from you and one who is going to be much more positive about gay sex than you are.
As for catching STD's through gay sex that is really something you should be actively working on but shouldn't be worrying about. Learn what being safe means, by using condoms for anal sex, not letting guys come in your mouth, and staying away from high risk activities. Take a look at previous columns of mine in the Archive of Ask James for more advice on gay sex and being safe, start reading some gay magazines and newspapers, make sure you get in the company of some more gay guys and generally get yourself more information on a normal gay lifestyle that you have yet to experience, then perhaps you won't feel ashamed about something that is entirely normal.
On an informational point you may like to know that STD rates including HIV are rising quite worryingly within the straight community whereas within the gay community in most European countries they are now more under control. Having said that you always need to be careful as some diseases such as syphilis are now on the rise within the gay community so read my previous advice and go an get some expert information from your doctor or local GUM clinic.