This Week - Hard sex, Special times and Bathroom urges

Carl likes it rough: James, I read quite a bit of your advice about doing damage to one's insides during sex. The answer seemed too simple for me. I like to feel some pain during intercourse and in the face I like it nice and hard. What kind of damage can be done? How do I know if there was any damage? What should one not do? Besides the broomstick? If it's just a really big dick and I enjoy the agony and the ecstasy, what should one take care not to do? Is bleeding a big no?

James says: Hi Carl, there is nothing wrong with rough sex if that is what you are into but you are right that you should be aware of the dangers involved. In it's many different forms the body tells you when something is just not right by sending out signals of pain. There are of course different levels of pain and different people have different thresholds as well, but never just ignore a pain that you are feeling.

Some people find that they have a certain degree of pleasure in pain. The thing here is to find your own level at which you are comfortable, and make sure it is a level that ensures you are not doing yourself damage.

Some of the things that can occur due to rough sex include hemorrhoids, pain and bleeding from small tears and small fissures. These can be painful and can be caused fairly easily from rough sex. The normal way to avoid these is to take sex more slowly, stop when it is painful and also use loads of lube. If you do notice any bleeding then this serious and you need to do something about it. Bleeding is particularly dangerous for risks of infection from Hepatitis B and C as well as HIV.

If you need further advice visit your local clinic who may be able to offer you some help. You could also check out the courses offered by GMFA and PACE on www.metromate.org.uk. These are specialist courses on rough sex and SM which deal with the issues of safety and they are presented in a very down to earth and helpful way.

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Craig is making a special effort: Hi James, I am so lucky I have just met the man of my dreams. The slight problem is that he is still a virgin and I have had sex about forty times. I want his first time with me to be very special. I was wondering if you could give me some advice as to how to make his first night memorable. I want it to be the best of his entire life without any embarrassing or painful moments for either one of us.

James replies: Hi Craig, yes the first time any person has sex should be special and there are a lot of expectations that go along with this memorable occasion in your life, as well as nerves and a lot of apprehension mixed in with excitement.

It is best not to worry too much about exactly what happens, it really should be left much more to what feels right at the time. There is a tendency for guys who haven't had sex before to want to have sex with guys who are more experienced as they can 'show them the ropes'. This is all very well but try not to let the education role take over from the enjoyment role.

The best way to avoid any embarrassment or pain is to talk about things openly beforehand. There shouldn't be any problems with kissing and sucking, but anal sex is not so easy the first time and so it really is best just to see what happens. Obviously have condoms and lube ready as that is a must, but also make sure that the whole event is something that does not end up being forced or rushed.

You have had sex before and therefore have experience of anal sex and the choice of being top or bottom or versatile. You need to use this to your advantage. Ideally you'll both be versatile and then you can both take turns to play with each other's arses. Before you start to fuck try fingering with lube and see how it goes.

For your partner it is not going to be easy at first so you must be very patient. If he doesn't feel comfortable with it then maybe that is the time for you to step in as a bottom and wait till next time to top him. Learning how to be a bottom takes time and patience and some guys never get there so take things easy and don't rush him!

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Bristolian asks: James, I'm a 24 year-old guy and have recently started dating a 30 year-old. Everything's great in the relationship, but he has a really high sex drive. After the first time he fucks me, I start getting quite sore and get rather embarrassed because while he's inside me I often feel like I need the bathroom urgently. This problem is made worse by the fact that it takes him about 30-40 minutes to cum. Is there anything I can do to stop it from hurting so I can give him more sex, and to stop myself from feeling like I need the bathroom when I actually don't? And is there any way I can make him cum faster? I would really appreciate some advice on this.

James answers: Hi there, well I think you need to talk more! If the relationship is as good as you say it is then you need to be able to talk about sex openly and this means telling your partner that you aren't able to fuck for as long as it takes for him to cum.

He doesn't have to cum inside you whilst fucking to make sex a 'success'. Try suggesting that you fuck for a while and then do other things for a bit like kissing and sucking. Sometimes he should come inside you, and sometimes he should not - vary it and it will take the pressure off both of you.

You should also discuss with him why it takes so long for him to cum. Are you changing positions regularly? Do you stop and then start again? Is he fully excited before he enters you? Are you using the right condoms and the right lube?

If you fuck in the same position for a long period of time then there is very little feeling left after a while. Changing position makes it more exciting for both and changes the feeling for the two of you as well. Stopping for 5 minutes can also lead to more sensation when you restart.

You could also consider using normal condoms as opposed to the thicker ones as that'll give more sensation for him which may make him cum quicker. Whatever you do always use a good quality condom with a British kitemark. That will ensure that the two of you play safely.

A final thing that will certainly make him cum quicker is if you are able to control the muscles inside your ass more! Do some research into exercising your kegel muscles, which we have talked about in previous columns several times. Take a look in the archive section for more details. If you follow my instructions you'll see that you can make him cum way way faster, and you'll enjoy things more too!

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