James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers featured in previous editions of the column.

This Week - Straight 3somes, Bloody Sex and Smelly Boys


Edwin is confused: I had sex last week with my best friend who is straight. He did it because he was drunk, and his girlfriend asked him to, so she could watch. I did it, because I'm gay and fancy the pants off him. She did it cause she got turned on seeing him getting fucked. Now I've fallen more in love with him than ever before and want a repeat performance, she is jealous of me but got so turned on she wants a repeat performance, I'm getting jealous of her and want him without her watching, and he is just confused and won't talk about it! Where do we go from here?


James says: Edwin, this is quite a complex thing that is going on here as the various people involved all seem to want different things. You are falling for your best friend who is officially ‘straight’, and he enjoys being fucked by you but won’t talk to you about anything, and his girlfriend just enjoys watching you fuck him!

In an ideal world you wouldn’t have got yourself into such a difficult position in the first place! One of the main issues here is that he is your best friend so you need to consider what is more important for you - having a best friend or someone to have sex with?

It does not really make sense that his girlfriend is jealous and at the same time wants a repeat performance! Anyone who is experiencing such envy would never want the thing that made them jealous to happen again! But hey, it seems everyone here is confused. Whatever way I look at it, it would not be very sensible for this situation to continue as it is ... if she is jealous and you are jealous and he is confused, it doesn’t really seem that this situation is beneficial to anyone.

If you have sex with him again then you will just make things even worse, and more intense. There's no gain to be had here except from stopping it now. If you continue then do you really think he will choose to be gay or at least bisexual and leave his girlfriend? I doubt it. And what will happen to your friendship as well? Don’t you want to keep him as your best friend? Surely that must be a major consideration.

You need to put this behind you as a one-off not to be repeated. You must get back your friend as a best friend and not a lover. To be honest, when you have to cut off your emotional feelings towards someone like this, it is hard at the beginning but after a time it gets much easier as you begin to gain control of your feelings once again. How ever painful short-term, that long-term is the right thing to do.





John asks: Hi. I had anal sex for the first time recently - I was reasonably relaxed and tried to push out as the guy was entering me. I was scared it was going to hurt - it did a little and then it wasn't too bad - we had sex in the missinary position and then doggy. Whilst in the doggy position, I found it much easier to take, and wasn't as aware that he was fully inside me except for the fact that I could feel his balls hit my ass. Afterwards I noticed blood on the condom and there was a bit of blood on my ass. It took a good number of wipes to get rid of the blood. I did enjoy the experience and would like to do it again but am frightened that I will bleed again which could be embarrassing - any advice? Thanks


James replies: Hi John, well no it isn’t good if there is blood left on the condom when you have anal sex with someone. Occasionally however, this can happen and I think it could probably be due to the fact that this was the first time you've had anal sex.

Although you say you enjoyed it and it didn’t hurt what has probably happened to you is that one of the blood vessels inside the anus has split and the result is the blood you saw. Medically this is called a fissure. The blood vessels inside the ass are quite delicate and whilst having anal sex they can sometimes rupture. This normally happens when the sex is particularly vigorous or if it is too dry.

This is one of the reasons you must always use lots and lots of lubricant every time you have anal sex. It is also advisable to use a silicone based lube as well, as you will find this lasts much longer than the water based ones. If you do decide to use a water based lube then make sure you reapply it regularly as it will go quite quickly resulting in friction which can cause the blood vessels to split.

It is also important to realise that for the vessels inside the anus to split it is not necessary for you to actually feel pain – often the first time you will know something has happened is when you see some blood on the sheets or on the condom when you pull out, or maybe when you go to the toilet just after.

When this happens you shouldn’t worry too much. Of course if it happens regularly then you should be concerned but if it just happens once then it isn’t something to be particularly worried about. The bleeding should stop quickly – if it doesn’t then ask your doctor. The vessel that has been bleeding will need time to heal again and this would normally take a few days so it is always best to avoid anal sex until it has healed! Be aware however, that abrasions like this may take longer to heal if they happen to reopen when you go to the toilet.

There's one other possibility. The blood you had may have been caused by a hemorrhoid, which is a swolen vein in the anal canal. Hemorrhoids can usually be felt though as a small lump. They also go with time but for both fissures and hemorrhoids you should try taking warm baths, using analgesic creams to stop any pain and also make sure your poo is soft by having a high fibre diet and trying some stool softening tablets as well.

If you are worried or are still having pain or bleeding then seek some medical advice from your doctor or STD clinic. Blood like this is not an issue if it happens just the once, but it is if it reoccurs. So see a doctor if you experience anything like it again.





Jason's got a bit smelly: Help! My dick has gone all funny and has a nasty white powdery mess around it sometimes. I do keep myself clean, but in the last few weeks it's got much worse, and sometimes it even smells a bit. I can't see a doctor I'd die, so what can I do?


James answers: Hi Jason, well there are loads of reasons why things like this happen!

This may be a sexually transmitted disease, which would need to be diagnosed at an STD clinic and treated if it is the case that you have one.

If the white powdery mess is more like small spots it's also possible that it is what's termed as pearly white papules. These are totally normal and harmless and some guys have more than others. They are very often confused with warts however. Again a doctor at a clinic would be able to tell you exactly what you have.

A third possibility is that it is just a build up of smegma which will have the appearance of being white and if left will also cause a smell. If you are uncircumsised then you do need to have a good hygiene regime, and this means keeping your dick clean and healthy too. However that doesn’t mean washing it with a strong soap or shower gel. Gently pull back the foreskin and clean underneath otherwise your dick may get smelly and be a cause of infection. You must make sure that you use just water or if you want to use a soap then it's a pH neutral one as other cleansers can be too strong and actually strip away all the bacteria, including the good stuff that helps keep you healthy!

The most important thing for you to realise is that this can happen to anyone and often does so you shouldn’t be so embarrassed about it. As always when something medical is wrong with you, you should seek advice from a doctor. Believe me, they have seen everything before so they aren’t going to be shocked in the slightest! Seek proper advice from a doctor who can examine you and give you a more accurate diagnosis.

White and powdery and smelly is not attractive. Get it sorted now!




 

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