James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers featured in previous editions of the column. Ask James

This Week - Commitment, Losing it and Adams Apples

Lee ponders this: Hi James, I have a friend who I regularly have sex with. He does keep in contact with me when we are not together, but our lives are very much separate. I do not spend any quality time with him, he just calls and invites himself over when he's horny. He says he likes me a lot but does not want to rush things. How do I get him to commit more to me?

James says: Hi Lee, well I don't really think you can make anyone rush into something if they don't want to. The best way is always to let them come round to an idea themselves but having said that a little bit of clever suggestion may also help.

I think the key here is not to be too pushy as that can really be off-putting. If you are seen to be too keen or trying to rush things then he may get scared that you are asking for too much too soon. Instead let him come to decision himself but make him realise how much he does miss you when you are not together. Ask him how he feels when you are not together, find out his real feelings for you and hopefully he will say that he really misses you and thinks of you and wants to spend more time with you.

The more he reacts this way the more it makes it easier for you as you can also tell him how much you miss him when you are not together and you can build a strong connection together and once he realises that he is missing you too much he will be the one who will say that you need to spend a lot more time together.

You can also try and find out about his past experiences. It may be that he has been hurt before in a relationship or had relationships that have failed because they were too rushed into so spend some time one day talking about previous relationships to see if this could also be a reason.

You also need to bear in mind that he might just be looking for sex at the moment and is not ready for a relationship and if that is the case then be careful because if you come on too strong you may end up scaring him away. Take it easy and see how it goes!

Tommy is straight up with this: James, I am having a problem keeping my erection. I have no problems when I'm by myself, but I lose it when with someone else. So far I've always been a bottom boy but lately I've really wanted to try and top, but it's too embarrassing to even try. How can I sort this?

James replies: Hi Tommy, well there are various reasons why you might not be able to keep hard. To get and maintain and erection you need to sexually stimulated in some way but there are a lot of guys who are more bottom who do not maintain an erection during sex. Many of them say that they enjoy it very much even though they just naturally lose their hard on.

There are other guys who get hard within seconds and stay totally hard till they cum! It seems that we are all physically different and some people get and maintain an erection much more easily than other people.

You do say that you have no problem in getting hard when you are on your own and this would tend to indicate that the reason you are losing your erection when you are with someone else is due to anxiety. Worrying about getting an erection is a vicious circle and the more you worry about getting an erection the harder it actually is to get one!

Then there is also the fact that if on one occasion you do not get an erection and then before the next time you worry about it, it only adds to the anxiety you have the next time you have sex and so this makes it even more difficult to get hard and so it can go on.

You really need to find a sex buddy who you relate to and feel totally relaxed with. That way you can try and remove the anxiety. If you are with someone who is very understanding then you can try and tell them about this so that they can help. You may find it also helpful to have a drink or two before having sex, however remember that for a lot of guys alcohol and even some other so called relaxants such as recreational drugs and poppers can also make it harder to get and maintain an erection.

You might also like to consider taking viagra. More and more young people are trying it and although it is not recommended to be taken too regularly it can really help in keeping an erection. It shouldn't be taken if you have heart problems nor should it be used with poppers as that can be very dangerous but in most people they do find that half an hour after taking it they find it much easier to get hard and also easier to stay hard! It may not be a long term solution but you could try it once and then once you see that you can get hard with another guy you will have the confidence to try again but without the viagra.

Jude asks: James, I' ve noticed a lot of gay men have more pronounced Adams Apples. Call me crazy but this seems to be the exception rather than the rule. With me it has made me extremely self conscious so much so I' m considering surgery. Chronrolaryplasty I believe is the term. Is any of this true?

James answers: Hi Jude, I really don't think that there is any real evidence to say that gay men have larger Adams Apples! It would be a bit like saying that gay men have larger cocks or bigger feet! I personally have never noticed the size of someones Adams Apple and I think you will find neither do most people!

The surgery you mention I think is Adams Apple or thyroid cartilage shaving and is designed for men who want to become women as in women the Adams Apple is much less pronounced and visible so unless you are considering having surgery to become a woman you shouldn't even be thinking about it!

Everybody looks different in one way or another, and this is just another way that you have your own individual look, nothing more. Don't worry about it.


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