This Week - Bi confused, Condoms in relationships and Shaving

Docian asks: Hey James, I'm 20, and realised I might be bi about 3 yrs ago, but I still don't know. I've decided just to ride it and go with the flow. The problem I'm having is that I have no gay mates - I don't even know where to meet any and when I meet guys I like, they normally don't do bi confused people. I've tried some places on the net but they're too wierd. I'm not out to any of my circle of mates, so when it comes to sex life stuff, I have nobody to relate to. What do you think I can do?

James says: Hey, yeah it's difficult when you want to talk to someone about something but you can't meet the right people to talk to. What you could do with is meeting a few chilled out guys who are either bi themselves or gay, and interested in meeting other guys who are not openly gay like yourself.

Some gay guys who are out are only looking for other out gay guys to chat with and go out with and so they would not really have the time or the patience to chat with a guy like you who was working out what he wants. Other gay guys and bi guys have been through the same experience as you - let's face it not everybody knows about their sexuality from day one!

You said that you have been on the net but the people were weird. Have you tried some of the better personals sites such as the one on OutUK. Here you can meet normal guys and they place adverts that you can reply to so it is easy to find people who you think you would be suited to. They also state what they are looking for whether it be friendship, sex, a boyfriend, etc.

As with any site on the internet be careful as you will come across a few crazy people or people who are fake - a good way of overcoming this is to speak to them on the phone or ask if they have a webcam. If you arrange to meet anyone off the internet then be sensible and meet them out first in a public place. Only invite someone back to your place if you feel sure they are trustworthy.

Good luck! There are loads of other bi guys out there just like you - you just haven't met them yet!

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Lost has found this question: Hi James, I've just met this great guy. We have decided to make a go at having a relationship. I have always used a condom during sex. He wants us to have trust which I am all for. The problem is that I am not from this country and wouldn't know where to go for an HIV test and I don't really want to ask. I stay in Manchester and am non-scene. Please help.

James replies: It is a big step making the decision not use condoms in a relationship. You should think about how well you know the person and how much you can trust them before making such a major decision. Also consider how open and honest you are with each other. For example, if one of you were to slip up and have sex with another guy would you be able to tell the other person?

At the end of day even though using a condom does feel different, and can be less appealing, it will prevent you from catching HIV along with many other STD's.

For a list of clinics which do HIV testing in your area have a look at:

www.aidsmap.com/en/orgs/ux/clinics.asp

where they list the clinics by region. Just click on England as the UK region and leave the keyword as default and you will get a list of all the clinics in the UK. If you click on a clinic, they provide days and times of testing along with the type of testing they do and full contact details.

Some results will take around a week, others can be done as same day testing. There are also new tests around now which give the results in 1 hour through a thumb prick so it is worth checking what kind of test you want to do and where they do it. It can be agonising waiting for the results so many people go for the same day option now.

When you go there any information you give them will be treated confidentially and they will talk to you about why you want to be tested. Maybe you could also go along with your new partner and have the test together - that way you are both there when you receive the tests as well. They will also be able to advise you on the practice of not using a condom in a relationship and the issues of being totally honest with each other about any sex you have outside your relationship.

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A close shave for Joe: I shave my scrotum (balls) occasionally, and generally have endured no skin problems. However, what preventive steps can I take, or products should I use, after I shave to ensure the skin remains moist and no rashes or irritation develops?

James answers: Joe, if you want to shave your balls then the safest way is to do it with an electric razor or beard trimmer. The skin is very sensitive around the scrotum and that's why it is not such a good idea to use a razor - if you nip the skin, and its pretty easy to do with the loose skin in this area, then it will cause bleeding and discomfort, and could be a danger for infection.

Make sure that you stretch the skin as flat as possible so that the razor can glide more easily over the skin and not into the skin resulting in cuts. After you shave try using an aftershave cream - it would be advisable to use one for sensitive skin around the scrotum - but it is important to use one to replace the natural oils that have been removed from the skin by shaving.

Also consider trimming instead of shaving - it looks pretty much the same if you trim close and doesn't harm or damage the skin at all.

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