This Week - Getting over it, Gay grooming and Cheating

Chrysley says: Is it normal to think about someone everyday even if you don't see each other anymore? It's been four years already but I still think of this guy everyday. He was a classmate of mine back in college. I had a real crush on him and we exchanged glances several times. He seemed interested when he started texting me saying he remembered me when he saw my name in a big store sign. We exchanged text messages a few times but it stopped a long time ago when I changed my number. Recently I found out that he teaches at my cousin's school. I have a boyfriend now but I still can't stop thinking about him and what it feels like to be with him. What might have been. Am I obssessed with him? Is it possible to learn to love someone that way? Do I need to stop? Can I stop?

James says: Hi there, you know it is always hard getting over someone especially when you really think you like them but sometimes you just have to get on with your life.

Four years is a long time to still be thinking about someone and if you have a boyfriend at the moment then it is not really fair to still have thoughts for someone else. You need to move on to be honest and try and get over this guy and start to build a happy life together with your current partner.

Feelings are hard to manage and deal with but try and take your mind of him and also try and think about what you really want. If you do want to see if he does like you then it is a big step. It would mean splitting up with your current boyfriend and you'd have to meet this guy face to face again. What would you do if he doesn't like you the way you want him to? What would happen to all your fantasies and illusions then? Maybe that is what this is - a fantastic fantasy - that you share with yourself?

He may in reality be nothing like he was, or now is in your thoughts. Everybody remembers people in their lives with a much better or much worse gloss than the reality of the situation. You may find that nowadays he has nothing appealing about him at all, he might have completely forgotten who you are, he might not be the right type of person for the you of now, rather than the you of 4 years ago.

If you are absolutely sure you wish to rekindle this flame then you should - but be careful you may end up causing yourself a lot of grief.

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Sasha is wondering: I would like to have some insight on grooming measures that are best - the gay scene is new to me. Specifically what is the best option in terms of hair removal, do I shave my chest, my pubic area, my balls and arse or not. What's really expected by other gay men. Also, what precautions should I take before having sex with a man for the first time. Any tips would be a great help.

James replies: Hi Sasha, well usually it is best to keep your body hair nice and trimmed unless of course you want to go for the hairy look. Chest and pubes usually look best when they are trimmed. Balls and arse can be trimmed or shaved depending on which you prefer.

Nowadays a majority of guys don't like lots of hair all over the place so it is best to keep your body hair under control! Just like the hair on your head you need to keep pubes, underarm hair, and all the rest of it, looking neat and tidy, so you look your best at all times.

When having sex just keep in mind that you should only be doing things you want to do so don't be forced into doing things that you are not happy about! And whatever you do just make sure it is safe and that you use a condom. The Ask James Archive has loads of answers to previous questions about all the different aspects of first time sex. Take a look - you'll find that we've covered just about every eventuality.

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PandB asks: I have been in a relationship for some time now. So how would you recommend cheating without being caught?

James answers: Hi, I think the main issue here is to ask yourself why you are wanting to cheat on your boyfriend in the first place? Are you bored with your relationship? Is your sex life not as exciting as it used to be? Also, why are you not able to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and desires?

A relationship between 2 people should always be based on trust and honesty. If you want to cheat on your boyfriend then you need to find out the reason why. If your sex life has gotten boring then try and spice it up! Use toys, different locations, watch movies together, join a porn site, swap roles, food sex! etc. There's loads you can do to make sex more fun but you do need to put a bit of effort into it and be a bit creative!

You also need to think about talking through all this with your partner. Some guys are able to lead a very committed relationship while also being allowed to sometimes sleep with other guys as an open relationship. Maybe you need to talk to your partner about this as well?

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