This Week - Ending Relationships, Just too quick and Straight love

zeus_0001 asks: Hi James. I have been in a relationship for 17 months which has just ended badly. In reality it ended 3 months ago but we have been trying to be friends which has not worked. The past few weeks have been the worst. I am not out at work but last week a couple of work colleagues ended up putting two and two together and coming up with the right figure after my ex phoned my mobile 12 times in a row and my work 7 times in a row claiming to be someone he was not just to speak to me. I love the guy a lot and we had some great times, but he is emotionally and psychologically unstable which is why I had to end it. The problem is that I am trying to move on but can't stop thinking about him. I love him and almost hate him at the same time for what he has done in the past but I can't get over him enough to move on. He is my first serious boyfriend and I did fall hard when I first got with him. Not really sure what to do or when I will be over him. Any advice?

James says: Hi, you know relationships can be so much fun but also cause so much heartache and pain at the same time! Some people are lucky and go through life with one partner who they meet when they are 17 and never have any serious problems. Others go through life with all the ups and downs of meeting guys, having fun, seeing it all go wrong and then having the horrible part of when you have to split up and then get over the relationship.

What you have to realise is that being in a relationship is a great thing and even if it doesn't last as long as you may have liked, you have to look at the positive things that you shared together. The big problem with splitting up with someone is that if you were the one who engineered the split and other guy still wants you back, then it can get very difficult especially if he keeps phoning you and wants to see you.

The easiest way to split up with someone is to move on and not see them, and not talk to them. This is a kind of 'out of sight, out of mind' approach. However it doesn't always mean that you are dealing with your true feelings and you may actually just be running away from how you really feel. If you split up with him for a reason then even when he calls you or talks to you or you meet, you try and remember why you split up. It is all too easy to start to think about the good times you had together and how much you miss being with him, and then get back together again.

If you were the one who split up then sometimes you just have to be strong. Having said that a lot of guys are just looking for absolute perfection nowadays and will split up when the minutest thing goes wrong! This is unfortuntely one of the new signs of our modern society and could explain why some 50% of marriages are not succeeding now. It is important to know that nothing is perfect and when you are with someone you have to be with them for who they are, and not who you want them to be. When things go wrong you need to stick by each other and help each other as that is what being in a relationship is about. It is not about jumping off the boat as soon as the water starts to get a bit choppy!

I think guys nowadays are getting a lot more selfish. People are tending to live a lot more for the moment and that in itself means people are living more for themselves. That makes it harder for people to share things with their partners. Some people are also a lot more selfish in relationships now and don't have the will to stick at them and make them succeed - you really do have to work at a relationship!

Most guys get out as soon as the initial fun is over but what is important to realise is that true love only shows itself after the initial period of lust and attraction has faded. True love is what some people are never lucky enough to discover and many people get confused between this, lust and sex!

At the end of the day your decision is not an easy one but it is something only you can decide. And just remember that you are not alone on this! I and many other guys have been there with you on this and we all know how difficult and upsetting it is, so good luck and take care, James x

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Nick quickly shoots us this: Hi, I'm a gay guy and do enjoy sex but want it to last longer. I just get too turned on and cum to quickly! So with a short session, what can I do to make it last longer. Thanks Nick.

James replies: Nick, getting turned on and cuming quickly is quite normal although can be a bit of a pain if you were looking forward to a bit of a longer session. It can also often be quite embarrasing with the other guy if he wasn't expecting it to be so short! If you think you do cum too fast then this is medically called premature ejacualtion and you can do some things to help this.

One of the best things you can do is tune into your body and learn to understand yourself more. Find out where your 'point of no return' is. You can try this while wanking - it is the point where even if you stop wanking you will not be able to stop yourself from cuming. You should practice yourself by getting yourself almost to the point where you want to cum and then stopping, waiting for a bit and then repeating. Do this a few times and you will have shown yourself how to make the time before you cum last longer. Then the next time you have sex you can do the same and slowly you will get used to having longer peroids of sex without cuming.

Remember not to drink alcohol or take drugs as these seriously affect your ability to control orgasm. You also need to breathe deeply while having sex as this also helps control when you orgasm.

There are some creams on the market but it is important to realise that these just dull the feeling and are not really a solution to the problem - they simply mask it! You may also like the check the Ask James Archive as we have answered this topic before for some more information!

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Freddy follows up: James, I wrote a few weeks back about if I should flirt with a married friend of mine (best friend) who I thought was bi-curious but wasn´t sure. We have had a threesome experience before (mwm) and he has always seemed curious. Last Friday I was at his house and we started drinking as usual, nothing out of the oridinary. We started seeing some pics on his computer and then he asked me if I wanted to see some nude art pics, which I said yes. Among those pics were pics of men (many) and he said he likes to see men with good bodies in nice-sexy poses. After that he then showed me some pics he had taken of himself and I was very horny at this time. Well, I followed your suggestion in asking him straight if he would let me have oral sex with him. After a couple of minutes talking he said he felt tempted by my suggestion and so we did engage in oral sex. After a couple of minutes he asked me to stop, and I felt he was feeling odd about it. After that he wanted to touch my penis and after struggling with his thoughts for few seconds he grabbed it and to my surprise he put my penis in his mouth and sucked it for a few seconds. After that he stopped and I knew he felt odd. I headed home and he texted me saying that I had "opened a door". I answered back saying it wasn´t my intention but that I was totally aroused. He replied saying that although he might deny it he was also very aroused too. Next day he texted me saying we should finished what we started and after talking some more I knew he was struggling with his thoughts. He said he didn´t like it but that he would do it again, so I am in a loss here. Have I messed his mind ? What advice can I tell him ? He is definitely sending me mixed messages and I know he feels awkward.

James answers: Hi, I am always very curious the way people interpret the way things are written and this is a great way of understanding what someone really wants by the way they read things. My original advice to you was to take it very carefully as you wouldn't want to ruin your friendship with this guy and only to do something if he showed you some kind of interest. It is interesting how you interpreted this as a suggestion that you should ask him directly for oral sex!

If you look at the way you have dramatically changed a suggestion from being extremely cautious to one of direct confrontation then you can see what you really want! You obviously want to have sex with this man and now it seems he wants to have sex with you. If he says it is strange for him then that is normal, especially if he is married. You should try and talk about your experiences together as that will help him a lot, otherwise what may happen is that he will internalise his feelings and get more and more confused or unhappy about what he is doing with you.

If he says he wants to do it again, that means he does like it as most of the time people are not so keen to do things they don't like! The fact he says he doesn't like it is a way for him to protect himself and try and convince himself he is not attracted to men. Once he gets over the guilt and the other negative feelings he has towards gay sex then he will probably stop talking like this as well. Good luck!

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