This Week - Straight talking, Watching others and HIV

Jeff is smitten: For the first time in my life I have fallen in love with someone - I only met this guy a year or so ago but my feelings for him are so intense. Up to now we've got on well, and joke flirted with each other though he's officially straight. I could cope with this and treat it as a fun crush but last time I went and stayed with him he ended up putting his hand down my trousers though he wouldn't kiss me. I told him everything and he was really nice about it all though, and nothing happened after this. Since then he has been pretty distant on some occasions and then really friendly at other times though this can change from minute to minute - do you reckon it's worth me holding out for this guy or is he just a straight guy playing games - I know for a fact I'm not the first guy he's played around with.

James says: Hi Jeff well this is a difficult one and as long as you are happy with what is happening then there is no real danger in it. Of course the only worry is that you might end up getting hurt if he really is straight and just playing games with you but you will have to analyse the way he acts and talks to make up your mind about this.

There is also the fact that you say that this is the first time in your life that you have fallen in love. Would it be so easy for you to give him up if you are now in love with him? You need to look at your feelings and how he reacts to you and make up your mind as to what is the best way to play this. He may come round as being gay but usually that takes time and could be very hard for him.

Another alternative is that he will open to you at first but then close up again and this would make a relationship very hard for you. Think about the way he reacts with you, sometimes on sometimes off, and how that makes you feel. Be sure that this is something you can cope with having not had the experience of being in love before. What I am really saying is that the only way this will work for you would be to continue with this relationship not expecting anything to come out of it long term. If it does, well great, but please don't set your heart on it right now. Good luck!

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Jon has his eye on this: James, where's the best place for me to watch guys having sex. I'm a voyeur really and just love to go to saunas and the like to take a look at other guys but increasingly find that people don't enjoy being watched. So where in the UK or Europe can I go and watch live sex easily?

James replies: Hi Jon, well you need to be careful with this, as you are right in saying that a lot of guys are not so keen on being watched when having sex! The only types of guys who would enjoy being watched having sex would be the more outgoing, exhibitionist types and they would probably be the kinds of guys who go to saunas and sex parties.

One good way of watching other guys would be to get invited to private sex parties. These are always very relaxed and although not everyone has sex with everyone else there is normally a good chance for you to be able to watch other guys having sex without them really minding.

There are a lot of guys' cruising sites online now so maybe that could be a good way of getting to these types of parties. Saunas as well should be a good way of watching other guys having sex but you would need to go to a sauna which has open areas instead of one that just has closed private cabins.

The saunas in continental Europe like in Amsterdam or Berlin often have more open areas where people are happy to have sex in front of other guys. Likewise the more famous gay cities of Europe also have sex bars where there are many open areas for guys to have sex and of course a lot of the time they don't mind if you just happen to be there watching.

I guess it would be a little more tricky in the UK as a lot of British people are not so open minded about sex as they are say for example in Holland or Germany although having said that in London now we are beginning to get clubs with darkrooms just like on the continent where you do get a chance to see other guys having sex in public so maybe the times are changing here too!

Of course another interesting way of watching guys have sex is if you live in a sizeable and nice apartment you can offer it for a porn shoot. They are usually more than happy for you to stay during the shoot and watch if you like and this is a great way of watching some really hot sex take place in your own house! Try contacting the company I model for, freshsx, to see if they are interested, at casting@freshsx.com, or you could contact OutUK at models@outuk.com. They too might be interested, but you'd have to send pictures of yourself and your apartment.

Other alternatives to where you could watch guys have sex could be in adult cinemas, outdoor crusing areas, etc although as you say a lot of people want privacy so make sure you don't make a nuisance of yourself and if some guys ask you not to watch then find some other guys who don't mind so much!

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Marc needs some advice: Hi, James. I am a 19 year old who has been working as a rentboy (escort) since age 16. Every guy I have slept with has used a condom, and I am tested for HIV every 6 months. A year ago, I met the man of my dreams (8 years my senior) and he had no idea that I was working as a rent boy. We had known each other for just over a month, when I decided to give up working as a rent boy, and we waited for 3 months before I (and supposedly, he) was tested for HIV and other STD's. After my results came back negative, he told me that his had too and we started having a sexual relationship. During the course of the relationship, I plucked up the courage to tell him that I had worked as a rent boy before I met him, and this obviously caused problems (mainly for his pride), but we worked through them. A year on, our relationship is one that many people would kill for. Or was. Last month I had a full run of blood tests because I had been rather ill, and I was informed that I was HIV +. I know I must tell my partner about this, but I can't just tell him that it is possible that I infected him with the HIV virus. I was tested 6 months ago, and 3 months before that, and all of my tests came back as negative. Is it possible that the previous tests were wrong, or that the virus may take longer to appear in the blood than usual, and I may have been the one who infected my partner? Either way, I'm scared to tell him, because he will blame me regardless of whether it was my fault or not, because I worked as a rent boy. I never actually got any confirmation of his test results, and as a result I'm unsure of whether or not he was actually tested. If he infected me, I can deal with it - it wasn't my fault. But if I am the one who infected him, I wouldn't know what to do. Is there any way at all that I can find out if I did infect him or not without him knowing? I'm not sure who else to ask about this. I would be incredibly grateful if you could give me any advice at all.

James answers: Hi Marc, well the facts are that you do need to wait 3 months before having an HIV test as it can take that long for it to show up in the test results. If you had an HIV test 6 months ago and another 3 months before that and they were both negative then you can be sure that up to 3 months before you took the test you were HIV negative.

If since then you have only slept with your partner then it would seem that he is the one who has infected you and not the other way round. If you have had sex with other guys since the test then if you always used condoms there is a very small risk that you contracted HIV from this, as most HIV infections are transmitted from sex without a condom. There is a small risk from sucking without a condom but it is considered to be very low.

I am a bit confused by the dates you put in your question though. You say you have been together for 1 year and that you stopped work as an escort, but that you had an HIV test 6 months ago and then 3 months before that. If you were only having sex with your partner why were you being tested so much for HIV? Did you always have unprotected sex with your partner? Did you both agree to have a monogamous relationship?

If you were not working as an escort and was in a monogamous relationship why would you have had so many HIV tests? If you really haven't had sex with anyone else except your partner and your previous 2 results were negative then this means that he is the one who has infected you. What you need to do is talk with your partner about this.

If he infected you then that means maybe he didn't even do the HIV test when you both agreed to or maybe he did do the test and found out he was positive. The key to him infecting you would be that you didn't use condoms in your relationship and this has serious implications as the law considers knowingly infecting someone, even a partner, with HIV as a serious crime which could even lead to a prison sentence.

So, if you only had sex with him and no one else and your tests before were negative that would indicate that he has infected you with the HIV virus. You would need to find out if he did the test when you did yours and what the result was. Also you need to know if he did have unsafe sex with anyone else while he was with you.

EVERY gay man should read this question from you and the answer written here! Thank you so much for putting your question on the site as it is a massive thing you are going through. There is so much support offered to HIV positive guys now that you don't have to worry about receiving support and medical help.

The biggest thing that other guys can learn from this is that even when you are in a wonderful relationship you are not safe from HIV. Many many guys contract HIV from their partners because they stop using condoms. In a relationship the decision to not use condoms needs to be very carefully discussed first and is not a step to be taken lightly and it also calls for total honesty.

If you decide not to use condoms and one of you slips up then you must tell the other immediately, but how many couples are able to be that open and honest to each other? If it does turn out that your partner is negative then another important thing to remember is that there are many couples out there where one partner is positive and the other is negative and this doesn't affect their relationship at all. In fact more often than not they are able to be much more honest with each other because of it. The support and strength of love that can come from this kind of relationship is incredible!

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