In case you haven’t noticed, astrology is not in the business of telling the complete
truth, writes astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein. That’s why traits like “cheap”, “spiteful” and “ugly” become “thrifty”, “intense”
and “good personality”. Why pay good hard earned money to be insulted and called an
asshole (unless that’s your kind of a thing and hey, I have no problem with that).
Astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein brings you the
real truth about that megahunk at the end of the bar and suggests you first find
out his star sign and consult the following before you send over that bottle of
||CANCER June 22-July 22|
Cancer the Crab is an apt symbol. These people are crabby by nature and cast a pall
over any festive gathering with their rampant paranoia. Spending an evening with
them is like walking on eggshells laced with glass. Their moodiness is just a thin
veneer for a more pathological lunacy. But don’t worry; their more excessive displays
are usually saved for those they love. Lucky them! Mitigating factors: Revenge -
sit them next to your ex. Those born under the sign of Cancer include: Mike Tyson,
Franz Kafka and O.J. Simpson.
||LEO July 23-August 23|
Leos are tiresome divas who think they know everything and everybody. The fact is
that they can become so bamboozled by false flattery that they become unwitting
mouthpieces for hangers on and lounge rats. Astrology books say that Leos are “theatrical”
but that’s just another word for boorish, vain and loud. They are usually found
in noisy bars with scrapbooks. Mitigating factors: Eliminates need for having an
opinion or deciding anything. Those born under the sign of Leo include: Benito Mussolini,
Mata Hari and Leni Riefenstahl.
||VIRGO August 24-September 23|
Virgos are the cheapest souls in the zodiac who recycle gifts and never buy lunch.
They’re clean to the point of compulsion and always think that they are right even
in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary. Show me a sniveling, ferret-faced
nerd who periodically smells his armpits and I’ll show you a Virgo. Mitigating factors:
Do terrific laundry, immaculate bathrooms and kitchens. Those born under the sign of
Virgo include Yasser Arafat and Caligula.
For Entertainment Purposes Only. Madam Lichtenstein, a Sagittarian, doesn’t want to
hurt anyone’s feelings but can’t help it. © Charlene Lichtenstein, All Rights Reserved.